General Burgundy N. Gold
After settling for a lackluster team name largely to avoid potential copyright issues with the more popular Red Wolves moniker, Washington steps right into more legal headaches anyway by selecting a mascot eerily similar to the general from the discount car insurance commercials. Is there a more fitting way for this organization to begin this new chapter than by leaning into the military theme way too hard (and with such an unoriginal idea)? Methinks not.
— Rob Woodfork
S. Squire
In the same breath of the former owner Jack Kent Cooke (also known as “The Squire”), S. Squire would wear a burgundy suit and gold tie and hold a brief case full of lawsuits — so many that they are sticking out of it. The other prop will be a can, which the mascot will kick down the sidelines, just like current owner Dan Snyder does with the current lawsuits he’s dealing with, and he will also charge fans who want pictures with or of S. Squire.
— J. Brooks
Former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe
He actually played a General in the highly-beloved/ignored AMC series “TURN: Washington’s Spies,” so he could don the garb again with a Burgundy and Gold hat and sash — and if for some reason the team moves across the Potomac River to Virginia, I can’t think of a better human mascot for the Commanders.
— Dave Preston
Colonel Commander
This one is an obvious spin on the fictitious G.I. Joe character Cobra Commander that many on Twitter have already spoofed, simply changing his trademark all-blue suit to an all-burgundy ensemble. Given Snyder’s association with treachery, this might be the most fitting choice of all.
— Rob Woodfork
Related story: The irony of the Washington Commanders
Smilin’ Kurt
This mascot would be most enjoyed by long-suffering Washington fans who keep their spirits up strictly through gallows humor.
Smilin’ Kurt would be a drawing of former Washington and current Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins. He wears a polo shirt, khakis and a very broad grin on his face. In the face of all adversity, Smilin’ Kurt never gives up and never really gets the job done either (as fans who scream “skol” have by now discovered). He’s called “Kurt” in honor of a certain former team president who seemed insistent on calling him that instead of his proper name, “Kirk” — especially after the two sides could not agree to contract terms.
— Dimitri Sotis
