2019 NFL Week 16 Recap

Packers 23
Vikings 10

Despite having a shot at even a first round bye and forcing Green Bay into three first-half turnovers, Minnesota was held to only seven first downs — their fewest in a home game since 1971 — and fell under the broom of a two-game sweep that delivers the NFC North back to the Packers. That’s about as damning a stat as there is for Kirk Cousins, now an NFL-record 0-9 start to his career on Monday Night Football.

Chiefs 26
Bears 3

Look, I’m not advocating for bribery … but maybe Cordarrelle Patterson really should bring doughnuts for the refs.

But Kansas City already has a sweet treat in Patrick Mahomes. In his 30th career game, he became the fastest player to reach 9,000 passing yards and 75 touchdown passes, and trolled the most notable team to pass him by in the 2017 draft. If T-Sizzle helps that Chiefs defense stay on its hot streak, this is the only real threat to Baltimore in the AFC.

Cardinals 27
Seahawks 13

In the most stunning upset of the day, Seattle apparently misinterpreted Pete Carroll’s plea for a blowout. The Seahawks need only beat the 49ers at CenturyLink Field to clinch the division, and perhaps, home-field advantage, but with three home losses already, is anyone particularly confident that matters to Seattle anymore?

Cowboys 9
Eagles 17

Dallas’ consistent failure in one-score games is exactly why Jason Garrett is basically done in Big D, and why Philly is about to steal the NFC East. Don’t be surprised if the woebegone Redskins deliver the deathblow to the Cowboys — especially if, you know, they can’t get back home for the game — and the Eagles come up short against the Giants but win the division by default.

Raiders 24
Chargers 17

Believe it or not, the Raiders enter their last game associated with Oakland with playoff hopes still alive at 7-8. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad for a team with a big name coach working under a 10-year contract.

However, it’s unequivocally bad the Chargers have such a home-field disadvantage they have to take drastic precautions to combat cheering for the opposition’s fans. Somehow, I don’t think that’s going to change in their swanky, new stadium.

Lions 17
Broncos 27

It’s mostly coincidental but Denver is 3-1 with Drew Lock starting at QB. Von Miller’s soul needs that to continue in 2020.

Giants 41
Redskins 35 (OT)

The Redskins won (?) the battle for the second overall pick in 2020, and presumably, the right to get Hyattsville-native Chase Young in Burgundy and Gold. Yet, the Giants’ future seemed brighter, with Daniel Jones becoming the first rookie to throw for 350 yards, 5 TDs and no picks and Saquon Barkley churning up 279 total yards. If the first Giants game had Dwayne Haskins sick, it figures to be awhile before this matchup soothes his stomach.

Ravens 31
Browns 15

Baltimore avenged one of their few losses by continuing the torrid pace to rewrite the rushing record books, becoming the first team since 1978 to top 200 rushing yards in at least eight games in a season, while Lamar Jackson set a franchise-record with his 36th touchdown pass to tally the most ever by a QB before his 23rd birthday. The road to the Super Bowl officially comes through Baltimore, and it’s hard to see anyone stopping this juggernaut.

Steelers 10
Jets 16

The New York Jets’ 2019 season summed up in one play, ladies and gentlemen.

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh’s already-improbable playoff run now requires a victory in Baltimore AND a Tennessee loss in Houston. Even if the Ravens rest their starters, the Steelers may be too banged up to hold up their end of the bargain.

Bengals 35
Dolphins 38 (OT)

Now that Miami no longer has to tank for Tua, the Dolphins have won four of their last eight games to fall to fifth in the draft order, while Cincinnati is now officially on the clock for the No. 1 overall pick. Joe Burrow would probably love to stay in school another year.

Saints 38
Titans 28

Behold, the record-breaking catch by the NFL’s most prolific receiver from the NFL’s most prolific passer. If the road to the Super Bowl goes through New Orleans, the Saints will march right into Miami for a matchup with the Ravens. Book it.

Meanwhile, Tennessee grabbed control over the last playoff AFC wild card despite remaining on pace to make much less-desirable history. Here’s hoping their regular season finale comes down to a last-second field goal.

Panthers 6
Colts 38

Greg Olsen may call this “a collective failure” but Christian McCaffrey helped get me into my fantasy football championship game so I respectfully disagree.

Jaguars 12
Falcons 24

Jacksonville finally got their clocks right but not in time to save their lost season, while Atlanta finally looked like the team it should have been all along, going 5-2 after an awful 1-7 start. It’s hard to make a case for Dan Quinn to return but it’s also easy to see the Falcons replacing him with someone worse.

Rams 31
49ers 34

San Francisco got the kind of emotional victory that sparks a championship run, while Los Angeles suffered the kind of loss that leads to rebuilding. You know the Niners are hot if they’re making 3rd-and-long fun.

Bills 17
Patriots 24

If Josh Allen is Michael Jordan, he’s clearly still in the Can’t-Beat-The-Pistons stage of his career. Tom Brady had his best single-game completion percentage in over two years to hold off Buffalo (and the buzzards) and win New England its NFL-record 11th straight division title. The Patriots aren’t dead yet.

Texans 23
Bucs 20

Much like their quarterback “The Great Equalizer,” Tampa’s fascinating turnover fortunes once again keep them close but ultimately short of victory. Houston won’t get so many holiday gifts in their winner-takes-division matchup with Tennessee next week.