WASHINGTON — Everyone’s expected to be cheerful this holiday season, but it can be a tough task for those dealing with the death of a loved one.
“Everybody is looking … as if something’s wrong with you, and of course there is something wrong with you, you’ve lost a very important person in your life,” said Dr. Donald Schumacher, president and CEO at the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization.
The clinical psychologist said when it comes to helping people deal with loss and grief, hospice professionals are the experts. He said everyone needs to know that bereavement and grieving are a normal part of the human experience.
Schumacher said holiday gatherings can heighten the sense of loss.
“That empty chair can be very very difficult,” and people just don’t know what to say to a person who is grieving.
Schumacher said ask the person what you can do that might be helpful.
“Let them know you really don’t know what to say,” he continued. “‘Cause nothing we can say can ever take away the pain.”
Although some people find strength in long running family traditions, others may want to do things differently.
“Think about creating a new tradition in your family,” Schumacher said.
For instance, rather than having that big dinner on Christmas Day, have a family lunch or family breakfast.
He said if the grieving person wants to withdraw, get the family together and discuss the withdrawal. A little time is fine, but it should not last too long. If it lasts six months to a year, Schumacher it’s time to bring in professionals.
Though if the person was married 50 years, “you can’t expect to be done your grief and sadness after only a year,” Schumacher said.
Grief depends on the depth of the relationship and impact that death had on the person left behind.
You might hear people who are grieving say they’re in a fog. Schumacher said the fog isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but “remember you’re trying to protect yourself.”
If it goes on too long — like a year or two — then it’s a significant problem. He said don’t wait too long to reach out for help.
Another part of the grieving process that is very natural and normal, he said, is feeling like you’re good one day, then the next day, the wave of grief overwhelms you.
He said that’s when you need to be gentle with yourself and allow time to heal.
When it comes to regrets, he said it’s not easy, especially with someone who has died. Schumacher said if you are struggling with this issue, you might want seek professional help.
He said that’s why you need to wipe the slate clean everyday with everyone in your life.
