WASHINGTON — I love guacamole. If you don’t love guacamole, don’t bother jumping down to the comments section, and don’t feel the need to read any further. This is for people who do, and who are sick of other people trying to ruin a good thing.
As you may know, on Wednesday, the New York Times tweeted a recipe to a Green Pea Guacamole. Of course, as any sane, self-respecting human being knows, peas have no place in guacamole (or most other dishes, for that matter; stop trying to make peas happen). Furthermore, peas aside, this is not a recipe for guacamole. The full ingredient list is peas (again, stop), jalapenos, cilantro, salt, avocados, scallions, lime and sunflower seeds. Really, sunflower seeds.
The Twitter response was swift and justifiably furious. Even President Barack Obama chimed in on Twitter through his newly minted @POTUS account, rejecting the Times’ recipe, while offering his own better, albeit flawed alternative.
Garlic is a wonderful flavoring that adds a wanted dimension to many dishes. Guacamole is not one of them.
Earlier this year, fast food chain Subway began pushing its own “guacamole,” which it attempted to sell to the American public by continuously repeating the word guacamole rather than focusing on its actual contents. Those contents were said to be simply “hass avocados and just a hint of jalapeno, to keep it interesting.”
That is a bunch of pulverized avocados and some jalapeno juice, or, if it resembles their avocado puree at all, avocado pulp. And maybe some ascorbic acid.
That is not guacamole.
Then there’s this.
That’s an affront on human decency, one which we don’t need to discuss any further.
According to most online definitions, guacamole includes mashed avocados, chopped onion, tomatoes, chili peppers, and seasoning. I wholeheartedly agree with this. My personal recipe includes all of these things, using sweet onions, minced serranos for peppers, and salt, pepper, lime juice and chopped cilantro for seasoning. If you’re allergic to cilantro, I sincerely apologize. There is no other reason for leaving out, unless you are masochistic about denying yourself the best possible guac.
One of the most frustrating parts of living on the east coast is the utter lack of cheap, quality Mexican food, which is abundant where I grew up. But that shouldn’t stop you from making your own perfectly delicious guacamole at home.
Now, here’s the thing. It’s not supremely easy to get fresh avocados here on the east coast. But it’s not impossible. Both Harris Teeter and Whole Foods have reliably decent options, so long as you can get them when they’re ripe, but not too ripe. I’ve ended up with plenty of stringy, brown-spot laden avocados over the years.
Assuming you make it home with quality product, the rest is fairly easy. Dice and mash your avocados (don’t put them in the blender — what are we, monsters?) and add your diced tomatoes and onion, about a half a tomato and a quarter large sweet onion per two avocados. Mince that serrano, about half a pepper per two avocados, squeeze in some lime juice, and grind a couple shakes of salt and a few more of fresh pepper. Chop a small fistful of cilantro, toss it on the top, and stir.
Serve with your favorite chips, or use it as a topping. Enjoy your enriched life.
And leave your peas, and sunflower seeds, and everything else that doesn’t belong in guacamole at the door. We’ve got an avocado shortage already. Stop wasting them on these abominations.