WASHINGTON — Are you looking to beat the heat … and the rest of the NFC East? Come on down to Camp Burgundy & Gold! There’s no better place to grow and maybe learn a new skill while making tons (up to 89 before cutdown day) of new friends!
Hail Victory!
(Camp Burgundy & Gold is not responsible for malfunctioning alarm clocks, defective tackling sleds, potato salad left in metal dishes too long in the sun, or sunscreen/Gatorade shortages.)
Kids of all ages! We are so excited you have chosen to once again to attend Burgundy and Gold Pines for multiple weeks of laughing and learning. Set against the historical backdrop of Richmond, Virginia, Burgundy and Gold Pines offers campers a chance to strive for a 10-win season as well as that elusive non-franchise tender.
“Uncle Jay” Gruden is back for his third year as head counselor. And you know that he and Uncle Bruce (year six) as well as Uncle Scott (year two) have plenty of fun planned. There might not be the re-enactment of the Jets-Sharks rumble they had last year with the troubled kids from the Houston Texans Hootenanny Camp, but rest assured there will be plenty of surprises. Plus, after a few days in the heat you’ll certainly be crying uncle. Please hydrate. I know with an average high of 88 to 90 degrees it seems like a nice break from the heat bomb that is D.C., but please make sure you replenish your fluids.
Have we mentioned that Richmond is a historic city set on the banks of the James River? Unfortunately this has nothing to do with the “James Gang” bandits or rock band of yore, but just thinking of Joe Walsh’s guitar riffs puts one in the happy camper mood. In other fun facts, Richmond also at one time served as a national capital! Back in the … um, never mind. Regardless, we can only hope to have Gov. Terry McAuliffe on hand to officiate the three-legged races … as the jousting competition reminds him too much of dealing with a hostile General Assembly.
Once again, a full array of activities is at your fingertips:
Architecture: Do you like to draw complex diagrams that stretch reality? Uncle Shawn McVay leads campers in designing an offense where everybody is happy with ball distribution and nobody gets blindsided by a blitzing safety. In theory.
Volleyball: Did you know that Uncle Ryan Kerrigan is from the hot spot of high school and club volleyball? The Muncie Central (Indiana) High School grad will run you through the paces of digging, setting and spiking in a fun and educational setting.
Improv: Have you ever wanted your own catchphrase? Uncle Kirk Cousins runs you through the stream of consciousness process that delivers winners. Not to be confused with former counselor Uncle Robert’s “spontaneously planned catchphrases” that failed miserably. We took your comment cards seriously in the offseason and have made changes … You Like That?
Aquatics: Would you like to experience being in the center of a waterfall? Uncle Chris Baker after each midday practice will stand on a platform and “shake off” several gallons of water for those lucky enough to be chosen. This does not count as hydrating and there sadly will be no lifeguard on duty.
Health & Human Services: The well-being of the camper takes precedence here with Uncle DeSean Jackson discussing the tricky process of not pulling one’s hamstring or injuring one’s shoulder after skipping the bulk of offseason team workouts. The first 15 minutes of every session will be an educational Q&A regarding the difference between “voluntary” and “mandatory” as well as “perception” and “reality.”
Choir Practice (mandatory attendance): Join in song with your fellow campers as you pledge to fight for old D.C.! Learn if you’re a tenor or a bass, and most importantly learn the lyrics to a time-honored classic. Fudgesicles and Popsicles will not be handed out until after everyone shows up for practice.
Ball Security: Campers learn what it means to have a football welded to their tummy in this avant-garde teaching tool. Sadly, Uncle Alfred Morris is working a different camp this year so Uncle Matt Jones will be filling in this summer. Please be patient. He’s trying. On another note, if any campers know of any unemployed running backs who would like to pick up some shifts, please let Burgundy and Gold Pines know. We’ll hook you up with some cool wristbands.
Genealogy: Sometimes a last name can make a great first impression! Visiting counselors Uncle Coy Gibbs and Uncle Kyle Shanahan will introduce you to the obstacles one has to overcome to succeed in a family business. Guest lecturers Uncle Bruce AND Uncle George Allen will treat the kids to ice cream on the last day.
Arts & Crafts: Have you ever wondered how a 30-something defensive back stays healthy enough to play in the NFL despite a decade of debilitating injuries? Uncle DeAngelo Hall takes you through the painstaking process of getting paper-clipped and duct-taped together just so he can continue to play in the league. Smoked turkey legs — fresh from Blacksburg — will be served for those who sign up for the full-day session.
Everybody’s Special (mandatory for first-year campers): Have you ever felt like an outsider? As if you don’t matter in the grand scheme of things? Uncle Tress Way and Uncle Dustin Hopkins will turn your outlook around by showing how life’s field position sometimes can change with a little special focus. Everybody’s favorite former counselor, Uncle Ethan Albright, will be a special guest this year.
