When it comes to the trait of empathy, when and how you show it to your kids can have a big influence on how they act, both through adolescence and as parents themselves years later. Researchers at the University of Virginia say the trait is one that’s passed down through generations, beginning with moms.
That’s the conclusion of a study that followed nearly 200 people from the time they were teenagers to when they had their own kids more than 20 years later. The UVA research team filmed each pair discussing a problem the teen needed help with then noted how much empathy the mothers exhibited to their children. In all, three generations were studied for more than two decades.
“I think one of the things that was most interesting is that the social skills that teens were practicing with their close friends during those adolescent years, ended up being really important for the way they parented,” said Dr. Jessie Stern, a psychologist and research scientist at the University of Virginia. “So the amount of empathy that teens were showing with their close friends, and just the amount of practice that they were getting in those close friendships, seemed to predict their own kids’ later empathy.”
Stern said it became clear over time that empathy was something that needs to be taught and modeled to younger people.
“When teens were bringing a problem to their mom, the mom was doing more validation, showing understanding of the teens problems. The teen had firsthand experience of feeling understood, of receiving empathy,” Stern said. “And then they were able to pay that forward in their friendships.”
She said researchers realized that teenagers are far more caring — and in fact, not as apathetic — as believed.
“In parenting, being able to show that you understand your kids’ emotions and to respond appropriately builds positive relationships and secure attachment,” Stern said. “So if you’re parenting a teenager, and you want to earn their trust, one of the ways to do that is to show empathy, to show understanding of what they’re going through, and just curiosity about their experiences.”
Stern said it goes beyond parenting.
“In close friendships, or in more adult relationships, too, being able to understand where another person’s coming from, and take their perspective, goes very far in resolving conflict, and in sustaining a relationship over time,” she said. “So I think in pretty much any social situation, empathy is a useful skill to have in your back pocket.”
The study is being published in the journal Child Development.
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