2017 fantasy football team name suggestions

WASHINGTON – It’s hard to believe, but it’s almost that time of year again.

With Baltimore and Washington set to square off in each team’s first preseason game this week, get ready to pore over mock drafts, over-analyze “expert” predictions, and search the bottom of your black, pun-loving heart for the very best fantasy football team name you can muster.

This marks the third edition of this guide, and I’ve tried to ensure none of the names offered are too close to last year’s crop. I also tried to keep them as relevant and up-to-date as possible, and to stay within the boundaries of (relatively) decent taste. That said, if these don’t inspire you, feel free to look at lists from the past two years, or to use the ideas as a springboard to something more, uh, risqué.

So, to be clear, there will be no Anthony Scaramucci jokes. There will be no lewd references (if you think Show Me Your TDs is the funniest name you’ve ever heard, this list isn’t for you) or anything else you’d be embarrassed using in a work league. It can be a tough line to walk between humor and civility. Hopefully this helps you along that tightrope.

FILE - In this Oct. 2, 2016, file photo, Washington Redskins cornerback Josh Norman (24) celebrates his interception with a "bow and arrow," gesture during the second half of an NFL football game against the Cleveland Browns in Landover, Md. Don't twerk. Don't pretend to shoot a bow-and-arrow. Don't even think about playing basketball with a football. And, never take your helmet off. "This may seem crazy, but you can always just hand the ball to an official," Dean Blandino, the NFL's senior vice president for officiating, said in the video sent to news media and teams. (AP Photo/Chuck Burton, File)
Bow? No: Football

This week, the NFL decided that Josh Norman’s bow-and-arrow celebration was too violent for a game that (it appears, based on mounting scientific evidence) causes severe and permanent brain damage the longer one plays it. The “No Fun League” name was always kind of lame, but the NFL is doing everything it can to live up to that moniker.

Anyway. Those that grew up in the era of Bo Jackson know that Bo Knows any and every sport, probably even archery. If you find yourself in that group, this name might be for you. You can then explain to anyone under the age of 25 who Bo Jackson was and feel like the oldest man on earth.

(AP Photo/Chuck Burton)

Colin Kaepernick
Colin All Angles

We’ve heard any and every angle for why no NFL team has signed quarterback Colin Kaepernick this offseason, all while the likes of Mike Glennon are getting $45 million and Jay Cutler is getting yanked out of the broadcasting booth. At this point, it’s become a fun guessing game as to what the next team that has a starter that goes down will choose to say other than “some of our fans don’t like him for his silent protest.”

Washington Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins responds to questions during a news conference after an NFL football game against the Dallas Cowboys on Thursday, Nov. 24, 2016, in Arlington, Texas. (AP Photo/Michael Ainsworth)
Franchise (Tag) Quarterbacks

Is Kirk Cousins a franchise quarterback? That all depends who you ask. One thing we know for sure: he’s a franchise tag quarterback for the second straight season. At this point, that’s the only thing we know about Washington’s continuous carousel behind center.

(AP Photo/Michael Ainsworth)

Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis smiles as he steps up to the podium during a news conference after NFL football owners approved the move of the Raiders to Las Vegas in a 31-1 vote at the NFL meetings Monday, March 27, 2017, in Phoenix. (AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin)
Las Vegas Taxpayers

Who benefits most from the Oakland Raiders’ relocation to Las Vegas? It’s not the Oakland fans, losing their team. But it’s definitely also not Las Vegas, which is getting stuck with an enormous bill for a new, publicly-funded stadium. No, only the owners — who are splitting the $378 million relocation fee the team is being charged — are the real winners. Looking to make a statement about the way the NFL treats its fans? Here you go.

Ezekiel Elliott, Jeff Heath
The Booking of Ezekiel

Despite Cris Carter’s report this week, we have yet to hear if the league office will suspend Cowboys star running back Ezekiel Elliott, who has managed to be alleged by his ex-girlfriend of domestic violence, exposed a woman at a parade, and involved himself in a bar altercation all within his first calendar year in the league. Will he end up getting suspended? That all depends on the infinite wisdom of everybody’s favorite commissioner, who usually displays, uh, sound judgment in these matters.

(AP Photo/Michael Ainsworth)

RUSTENBURG, SOUTH AFRICA - JUNE 24:  A wildebeest stands in grass land at Pilanesberg National Park on June, 2010 in Rustenburg, South Africa. Situated adjacent to Sun City, Pilanesberg is the fourth largest national park in South Africa covering a 55 000 hectare area.  (Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)
Fake Gnus

Look, it’s hard not to be political with names this year. Honestly, compared to recent years, the NFL offseason has been pretty…boring? But if you don’t want to alienate half your league, you’ve gotta be careful in how you address today’s current events.

So for those inclined to name their team after an animal, as most real teams do, I bring you good gnus. Good, fake gnus.

(Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)

File- Surrounded by empty seats Los Angeles Rams fans watch their team play the Atlanta Falcons in an NFL football game on Sunday, Dec. 11, 2016, in Los Angeles. TV ratings declined 8 percent, with the presidential election partly, but not solely, to blame. Many of the league's highest-profile contests were boring blowouts, including eight of the 10 playoff games leading to Sunday's Super Bowl between the Patriots and Falcons.  (AP Photo/Richard Vogel)
LA Seat Fillers

Oh, the poor Chargers. They’re being shipped up to Los Angeles, a city that already has one football team it doesn’t particularly want, and being forced to play their home games at the StubHub Center, a 27,000 seat soccer stadium. That’s about half the capacity of the next smallest venue in the league, and more than 50,000 seats fewer than MetLife Stadium, home to the Jets and Giants.

Meanwhile, the Rams enjoyed record crowds their first season in LA…when they went 4-12. Based on early returns, don’t expect anywhere near that level of interest this year at the mammoth, 93,000+ seat LA Coliseum. Perhaps they can hire the same seat-fillers that keep awful, studio-audience shows full.

New Jersey Generals owner Donald Trump speaks to reporters after he and fellow United States Football League owners met in Teaneck, N.J., April 29, 1985. The owners reaffirmed their decision to switch to a fall schedule in 1986, but will do so without the Tampa Bay Bandits. (AP Photo/Marty Lederhandler)
New Jersey Generals

For the uninitiated, the New Jersey Generals were the greatest, most amazing, most successful football team to ever last three seasons in a secondary professional league. They were owned by a prominent New York businessman, who attempted to muscle them and the rest of the United States Football League into a merger with the NFL. They were unsuccessful in this venture, but did secure an antitrust judgement in the amount of $3.

(AP Photo/Marty Lederhandler)

Gisele Bundchen, left, and Tom Brady attend The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute benefit gala celebrating the opening of the Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons: Art of the In-Between exhibition on Monday, May 1, 2017, in New York. (Photo by Charles Sykes/Invision/AP)
Tom Brady’s Undiagnosed Concussions

Tom Brady remains the biggest star in the world’s biggest league. And concussions (and their long-term effects) remain the biggest story plaguing the present and future of that league. But just how many concussions has the NFL’s leading man suffered? That depends on whether you believe the New England medical staff or Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen.

(Photo by Charles Sykes/Invision/AP)

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FILE - In this Oct. 2, 2016, file photo, Washington Redskins cornerback Josh Norman (24) celebrates his interception with a "bow and arrow," gesture during the second half of an NFL football game against the Cleveland Browns in Landover, Md. Don't twerk. Don't pretend to shoot a bow-and-arrow. Don't even think about playing basketball with a football. And, never take your helmet off. "This may seem crazy, but you can always just hand the ball to an official," Dean Blandino, the NFL's senior vice president for officiating, said in the video sent to news media and teams. (AP Photo/Chuck Burton, File)
Colin Kaepernick
Washington Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins responds to questions during a news conference after an NFL football game against the Dallas Cowboys on Thursday, Nov. 24, 2016, in Arlington, Texas. (AP Photo/Michael Ainsworth)
Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis smiles as he steps up to the podium during a news conference after NFL football owners approved the move of the Raiders to Las Vegas in a 31-1 vote at the NFL meetings Monday, March 27, 2017, in Phoenix. (AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin)
Ezekiel Elliott, Jeff Heath
RUSTENBURG, SOUTH AFRICA - JUNE 24:  A wildebeest stands in grass land at Pilanesberg National Park on June, 2010 in Rustenburg, South Africa. Situated adjacent to Sun City, Pilanesberg is the fourth largest national park in South Africa covering a 55 000 hectare area.  (Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)
File- Surrounded by empty seats Los Angeles Rams fans watch their team play the Atlanta Falcons in an NFL football game on Sunday, Dec. 11, 2016, in Los Angeles. TV ratings declined 8 percent, with the presidential election partly, but not solely, to blame. Many of the league's highest-profile contests were boring blowouts, including eight of the 10 playoff games leading to Sunday's Super Bowl between the Patriots and Falcons.  (AP Photo/Richard Vogel)
New Jersey Generals owner Donald Trump speaks to reporters after he and fellow United States Football League owners met in Teaneck, N.J., April 29, 1985. The owners reaffirmed their decision to switch to a fall schedule in 1986, but will do so without the Tampa Bay Bandits. (AP Photo/Marty Lederhandler)
Gisele Bundchen, left, and Tom Brady attend The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute benefit gala celebrating the opening of the Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons: Art of the In-Between exhibition on Monday, May 1, 2017, in New York. (Photo by Charles Sykes/Invision/AP)

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