WASHINGTON – It’s hard to believe, but it’s almost that time of year again.
With Baltimore and Washington set to square off in each team’s first preseason game this week, get ready to pore over mock drafts, over-analyze “expert” predictions, and search the bottom of your black, pun-loving heart for the very best fantasy football team name you can muster.
This marks the third edition of this guide, and I’ve tried to ensure none of the names offered are too close to last year’s crop. I also tried to keep them as relevant and up-to-date as possible, and to stay within the boundaries of (relatively) decent taste. That said, if these don’t inspire you, feel free to look at lists from the past two years, or to use the ideas as a springboard to something more, uh, risqué.
So, to be clear, there will be no Anthony Scaramucci jokes. There will be no lewd references (if you think Show Me Your TDs is the funniest name you’ve ever heard, this list isn’t for you) or anything else you’d be embarrassed using in a work league. It can be a tough line to walk between humor and civility. Hopefully this helps you along that tightrope.
Bow? No: Football
This week, the NFL decided that Josh Norman’s bow-and-arrow celebration was too violent for a game that (it appears, based on mounting scientific evidence) causes severe and permanent brain damage the longer one plays it. The “No Fun League” name was always kind of lame, but the NFL is doing everything it can to live up to that moniker.
Anyway. Those that grew up in the era of Bo Jackson know that Bo Knows any and every sport, probably even archery. If you find yourself in that group, this name might be for you. You can then explain to anyone under the age of 25 who Bo Jackson was and feel like the oldest man on earth.
(AP Photo/Chuck Burton)
Colin All Angles
We’ve heard any and every angle for why no NFL team has signed quarterback Colin Kaepernick this offseason, all while the likes of Mike Glennon are getting $45 million and Jay Cutler is getting yanked out of the broadcasting booth. At this point, it’s become a fun guessing game as to what the next team that has a starter that goes down will choose to say other than “some of our fans don’t like him for his silent protest.”
AP Photo/Marcio Jose Sanchez
Franchise (Tag) Quarterbacks
Is Kirk Cousins a franchise quarterback? That all depends who you ask. One thing we know for sure: he’s a franchise tag quarterback for the second straight season. At this point, that’s the only thing we know about Washington’s continuous carousel behind center.
(AP Photo/Michael Ainsworth)
Las Vegas Taxpayers
Who benefits most from the Oakland Raiders’ relocation to Las Vegas? It’s not the Oakland fans, losing their team. But it’s definitely also not Las Vegas, which is getting stuck with an enormous bill for a new, publicly-funded stadium. No, only the owners — who are splitting the $378 million relocation fee the team is being charged — are the real winners. Looking to make a statement about the way the NFL treats its fans? Here you go.
AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin
The Booking of Ezekiel
Despite Cris Carter’s report this week, we have yet to hear if the league office will suspend Cowboys star running back Ezekiel Elliott, who has managed to be alleged by his ex-girlfriend of domestic violence, exposed a woman at a parade, and involved himself in a bar altercation all within his first calendar year in the league. Will he end up getting suspended? That all depends on the infinite wisdom of everybody’s favorite commissioner, who usually displays, uh, sound judgment in these matters.
(AP Photo/Michael Ainsworth)
Look, it’s hard not to be political with names this year. Honestly, compared to recent years, the NFL offseason has been pretty…boring? But if you don’t want to alienate half your league, you’ve gotta be careful in how you address today’s current events.
So for those inclined to name their team after an animal, as most real teams do, I bring you good gnus. Good, fake gnus.
(Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)
Getty Images/Mark Kolbe
LA Seat Fillers
Oh, the poor Chargers. They’re being shipped up to Los Angeles, a city that already has one football team it doesn’t particularly want, and being forced to play their home games at the StubHub Center, a 27,000 seat soccer stadium. That’s about half the capacity of the next smallest venue in the league, and more than 50,000 seats fewer than MetLife Stadium, home to the Jets and Giants.
Meanwhile, the Rams enjoyed record crowds their first season in LA…when they went 4-12. Based on early returns, don’t expect anywhere near that level of interest this year at the mammoth, 93,000+ seat LA Coliseum. Perhaps they can hire the same seat-fillers that keep awful, studio-audience shows full.
AP Photo/Richard Vogel
New Jersey Generals
For the uninitiated, the New Jersey Generals were the greatest, most amazing, most successful football team to ever last three seasons in a secondary professional league. They were owned by a prominent New York businessman, who attempted to muscle them and the rest of the United States Football League into a merger with the NFL. They were unsuccessful in this venture, but did secure an antitrust judgement in the amount of $3.
(AP Photo/Marty Lederhandler)
Tom Brady’s Undiagnosed Concussions
Tom Brady remains the biggest star in the world’s biggest league. And concussions (and their long-term effects) remain the biggest story plaguing the present and future of that league. But just how many concussions has the NFL’s leading man suffered? That depends on whether you believe the New England medical staff or Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen.
(Photo by Charles Sykes/Invision/AP)
Charles Sykes/Invision/AP/Charles Sykes
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