Oscar Rewrite: 2003


Best Picture: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Best Director: Peter Jackson (The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King) Gus Van Sant (Elephant)

Best Actor: Sean Penn (Mystic River) Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean)

Sean Penn was stellar in Mystic River, but we’re shifting Penn’s Oscar to Fast Times in 1982 and giving Johnny Depp his due as Captain Jack Sparrow after Edward Scissorhands (1990) and Ed Wood (1994).

Best Actress: Charlize Theron (Monster)

Best Supporting Actor: Tim Robbins (Mystic River) Will Ferrell (Old School)

Will Ferrell once sang, “No comedians at the Oscars.” Time to call his bluff with Supporting Actor for Old School, a hilarious middle-aged version of Animal House. While we’re at it, let’s throw in Elf.

Best Supporting Actress: Renee Zellweger (Cold Mountain) Marcia Gay Harden (Mystic River)

Tim Robbins won the Oscar with his insane “vampires” rant, but Marcia Gay Harden sold the scene with her genuinely terrified reaction to a husband she believes may have committed murder.

Best Original Screenplay: Lost in Translation (Sofia Coppola)

Best Adapted Screenplay: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Old Boy (Chan-wook Park, Jo-yun Hwang, Chun-hyeong Lim, Joon-hyung Lim & Garon Tsuchiya from Nobuaki Minegishi’s comic)

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