“You go ahead without me.” “I’d rather be by myself.” “Nobody will play with me.”
Shyer kids are more hesitant and anxious in certain situations, and so they’re often shortchanged — kept from experiencing life to its fullest. Not being able to join a group, make friends or be included is also painful and lowers confidence. But the good news is that parents can help shy, lonely kids feel less tense and more comfortable in social settings.
Here are a few ideas:
Accept your child’s natural temperament. This isn’t about changing your introvert into a social butterfly. Don’t even try. Chances are your child was born with a more hesitant temperament. Her genetic code causes her to be more tense and anxious in certain situations. And that fear your child shows is real. Shyer children generally need structure, time to warm up, understanding and sensitivity and calm adults to preserve their dignity. Your first strategy is to ask, “What am I doing to tailor my parenting to my child’s natural shy tendencies?”
[Read: 9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids.]
Allow warm up time. Shyer kids often take longer to warm up in a social setting, so give your child time to settle in. Let him watch from a distance and figure out what’s up. You might offer a suggestion as to how he could get started, but let him set his own time frame to join. Preparing the child for an upcoming social event also helps decrease anxiety. You might describe the setting and who will be there. Then help him practice how to meet others, making small talk and even how to say good-bye.
Use books. One way to help a shyer child talk about his feelings is by reading books about a character who shares the same concerns. A few of my favorites dealing with shy, hesitant kids geared toward children of different ages are “Shy Charles,” “Little Miss Shy,” “I Don’t Know Why … I Guess I’m Shy,” “The Goat on a Boat: If Your Are Shy, Give it a Try,” “Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life.”
Create a worry scale. Shyer kids often have a hard time verbalizing concerns. Create an imaginary worry scale from 1 to 10 to help your child talk through her concerns. Explain: “One is no fears. You feel calm and confident. Ten is when you feel really tense or worried.” Whenever you realize that your child feels uncomfortable about a social situation, ask, “How worried are you on a scale of 1 to 10?” Once you know the extent of her anxiety, you can help her cope. For instance, you could say, “If it’s a 1, then maybe just finding one person you feel comfortable with might help.” “If it’s a 6, you may need to leave the scene and take a number of slow deep breaths and talk back to your fears.” One self-talk idea might be for your child to tell herself, “Go away fear, I can handle this.” Teach your child: “Take a deep breath and slowly let it and worries out through your nose while you count to five.”
[Read: How to Help Kids ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ in Uncertain Times.]
Teach friendship skills. Being new, feeling left out or lacking pals is scary, but you can help your child make friends by teaching him how to meet someone, start a conversation or ask if he can play in a game. Kids learn social skills best by watching, then trying. Introduce yourself to your child, so he can see what it looks like. Then find opportunities for your child to see you using the skill in the real world: Deliberately introduce yourself to another person in the grocery line, at school or at the park. Practice the skill until he is comfortable to use it on his own, and then teach other skills using this same system of modeling them first.
Find outlets that attract peers . Look for opportunities for your child to practice friendship skills and meet kids, such as recreation programs, Boys and Girls Clubs, the YMCA, 4-H, church groups or sports teams. Community centers and libraries usually offer schedules of kids programs and events. Also, seek activities that match your child’s interests or strengths — like tennis, swimming, music, art or skateboarding — since kids who share the same interests are more likely to want to be together.
Find a buddy. Knowing just one classmate can minimize first day jitters at camp, scouting or school. The two kids don’t have to become soul mates — just acquaintances — and that can be a confidence booster! Ask parents, coaches, church groups or neighbors if they have a child around your son or daughter’s age attending the same session. Do a little sleuthing at nearby playgrounds and parks to see if you can find a peer who will be in the same club, class, grade or school. Volunteer to join the PTA, be a team parent or help the organization so you can meet moms and dads who may be able to introduce you to parents who have kids your child’s age.
Emphasize past success. It’s natural for a shy, lonely child to focus on past failures, so help him recall positive experiences. “You begged not to go to swimming lessons, but you met a new friend.” “You didn’t feel comfortable going to your classmate’s house at first, but you had a great time.”
[Read: Helping Your Child Overcome Social Anxiety.]
Any and every effort your child makes to be even a tad more social deserves a pat on the back: “I saw how you walked up to that new boy today. Good for you!” “I noticed that you really made an effort to say hello to your friend’s mom. She looked so pleased!” Gradually your child will gain confidence, make friends and feel more comfortable with others.
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Help for the Shy and Lonely Child originally appeared on usnews.com
