‘Tis the season to give … and to give in — to family expectations, party invitations and our children’s wants and wishes.
Kids are making their lists. But neither they nor their parents are likely checking them twice — like, say, to see if that long list of wished for gifts could be whittled down a bit. For so many parents, the pressure intensifies unnecessarily because of their inability to say no to their children.
Why Parents Can’t Say No
We all want what’s best for our children. Whether they’re toddlers or teenagers, a parent’s natural tendency is to strive for content and happy children. To meet that goal, parents readily slip into a pattern of granting most requests whenever they can. No time is that more evident than during the holidays. Yet, being a parent who gives in is, in fact, detrimental to children’s development.
In the extreme, saying yes to what can feel like endless wants morphs into a damaging cycle that I call “yes-parenting.” For well-meaning “yes-parents,” the word no is a response steeped in negativity, the very thing they try to avoid. Some parents may argue that it makes them happy to say yes to their children. That’s valid to an extent. But the reality is that children benefit developmentally when parents say no.
When conducting research for “The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say it and Mean it — and Stop People-Pleasing Forever,” I discovered myriad motives at the heart of yes-parent behavior. For example, you may give in or give permission, even if it makes your life more difficult or stressful, to alleviate guilt you have for not being able to spend as much time as you would like with your children. You might say yes to buying unneeded toys or a shirt that your child’s best friend has so your child doesn’t feel deprived. Or, you might allow your teenager to attend a holiday gathering you are concerned about to be popular with your teen or to win your teen’s approval.
[Read: The Power of No.]
Similarly, you might have been raised by indulgent or accommodating parents and equate a giving demeanor with good parenting. On the flip side, you might be striving, consciously or subconsciously, to offset the childhood you had — one in which your requests or wishes were routinely ignored or refused.
Perhaps you bend to societal pressure to raise “star children” — recognition you may have wanted for yourself growing up. You buy expensive sports or electronic equipment your children don’t really need thinking it will give them an advantage. When the desire to be recognized or stand out is driven by a parent, a “yes” is on the tip of that parent’s tongue.
More typically parents say yes to keep the peace. For holiday-stressed parents, saying yes may make sense in the short run when compared to dealing with a child’s frustration or disappointment with your denial.
The Benefits of Saying No
Despite its negative connotations, the word no is positive for helping children become responsible, resourceful and engaged adults. When firm, direct and strategic, saying no curbs a child’s sense of entitlement. Setting limits also gives children behavioral guidelines that will be useful in many areas of their life.
You will get pushback; children don’t much care what’s best for them when they are focused on what they want at a given moment, especially during the gift-giving season. Making difficult choices that build character and caring is a parent’s job. You are their guide, mentor and best role model.
[Read: The Importance of Setting Limits for Your Child.]
In Preparation for the Holidays
The holidays are a good time to flex your no-muscle and impart your values. Here are steps you can take to turn some of the holiday focus away from your children and move it in a compassionate direction:
— Have your children locate the clothing and toys they have outgrown, and donate them to homeless shelters. Make it a family project. As you work together, you’ll share with your kids the merits of community and caring.
— Start mandatory giveaways at your house at least twice a year, perhaps at birthdays and end-of-the-year holidays. When you realize that each new child in a household translates to more unnecessary possessions accumulating in bedrooms and garages, you will be happy you initiated a plan to thin out the clutter.
— Keep a donation bag or box handy for each person, including you. And announce when you add to yours.
— Choose a charity or group that needs support. Volunteer or donate as a family on a regular schedule — monthly or on special days each year.
— Request an explanation of why your kids want some things on their lists that seem frivolous to you.
— Give their wish lists back to allow them to rethink and whittle down their lists. To minimize disappointment, be open about why they may not be getting a new cellphone, a TV for their bedroom or the toy their best friend is probably going to find under his tree or at the table on the fourth night of Hanukkah.
— Talk about advertisements for products that haven’t “delivered.” Remind them of a toy or household item that did not live up to the marketing claims, or that they quickly lost interest in. This is an important step in turning kids into savvier, more responsible consumers.
Children get over disappointment far faster than adults, and that is particularly true amid the bustle of distractions that are the holidays. Saying no is ultimately about raising caring, responsible, respectful children. Your children may even thank you one day for what they learned from your no’s.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
You’ll be saying no, or you should be saying no, for decades, so park your guilt. When your children reach adulthood, they will find something else to fault you for — and it won’t be the toy or electronic gadget they didn’t get or the family holiday gathering you insisted your reluctant teenager attend.
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Making Their Lists, But Not Checking Them Twice originally appeared on usnews.com
