All parents want their children to have a close relationship with each other. But in many cases, what they get is bickering, jealousy and the need to constantly referee arguments.
Of course, some sibling stress is normal. However, there are several steps parents can and should take to reduce rivalries and create a childhood sibling relationship that grows into a strong adult bond.
In some cases, sibling stress reflects a clear case of the apple not falling far from the tree. This is because the way a parent treats a child strongly influences the way that child treats others — especially a sibling. For example, when Mom or Dad yell a lot, give stern, non-negotiable orders frequently or don’t spend enough meaningful time with a child, he or she is more likely to mirror this behavior when interacting with a sibling. So, if you see that your child is bossy, yells a lot or is dismissive of a sibling, it’s important to reflect on the way you interact with your children — and with others.
Modeling healthy interactions does not mean that discipline gets replaced by being “nice” and letting your kids do whatever they want. Instead, it means becoming more thoughtful in how you deliver your messages about rules, expectations and consequences.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
When one child does express frustration or anger with a sibling, try hard not to become angry or resentful. It’s enormously beneficial to siblings when a parent empathizes with both children involved in a conflict rather than taking sides. Always reprimanding or punishing one (usually the older) sibling will create long-standing resentment and jealousy between your kids.
Another parenting strategy that may inadvertently create sibling rivalry is trying to give your kids exactly the same things. It’s almost impossible to provide siblings with precisely equal life experiences, and creating the expectation that you will do so is bound to lead to jealousy. I advise parents to tell children that “everyone gets what they need.” This establishes an understanding that siblings may not get the same things, but that you will do your very best to be fair and meet the needs of each child.
One child may need a tutor, but another might need support socially. You will spend extra money on the tutor, while spending a great deal of time (and gas money) driving around to social gatherings. You’re providing different things for each sibling, and yet it’s equivalent, because each child’s needs are being met.
When I tell parents that the surest way to create sibling stress is to compare one child to another, everyone insists that they would never do that. However, in a great many cases, parents are doing so without even realizing it. Asking a younger child to get math help from a slightly older sibling, for instance, might seem logical to you; but the younger child could experience resentment due to an implied message that the brother or sister is smarter at math. Suggesting that a child should look to a sibling as a role model for “good behavior,” “better decision-making” or “healthier choices” will have a similar negative impact.
[Read: How to Prepare Your Child for the Arrival of a New Baby.]
In the same vein, it’s important not to pit siblings against one another by encouraging them to report the other’s bad behavior or by complaining to one child about the other. Parents must clearly differentiate tattling from sharing important information that may impact a sibling’s health or safety. Also, in general, resist the urge to make any of your children your confidante. This is a role better reserved for another adult.
A key to creating close sibling relationships is to teach children to tolerate their differences and help each one see that there are many ways to successfully navigate life. For example, being very social may be the key to happiness for one sibling, but having one or two close friends may work best for the other. Similarly, being very neat may be important to the daily functioning of one child, whereas a creative mess may be highly valued by the other. It’s a parent’s job to recognize, accept and teach kids to accept and value each other despite differences, because this can be a lynch pin in the development of healthy sibling bonds and positively impacts all relationships outside the family.
Children are more strongly influenced by their parents’ opinions and values than by those of anyone else — even peers. So express how important it is to you that your children have a good relationship with each other. Make sure to recognize and appreciate valued sibling interactions, such as when siblings play together, share, help each other or stick up for one another. In fact, it’s useful to create opportunities for siblings to spend cooperative time together. You can have your children work together (and with you if necessary) to assist with a project, such as cooking or gardening — any activity that doesn’t take too long to complete, so siblings can feel jointly proud of their achievement.
Regardless of how hard a parent works to create sibling harmony, there will be times when siblings argue or fight, and parents need to know when and how to intervene. To begin, your goal should be to try to strengthen the sibling relationship once the conflict is over. One common prevailing school of thought is to let kids work things out, and in some instances, this is helpful. However, there are times when it’s better to step in than to let children try to independently problem-solve. If you witness one of the following circumstances, it’s best to intervene:
— The argument escalates very quickly.
— One child does not have the ability to advocate for himself or herself.
— One sibling is bullying the other.
— The kids start to fight physically.
— One or both of the siblings become verbally abusive.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
It’s sometimes difficult to take the extra steps necessary to support sibling bonds, but it really pays off. Siblings that get along, and hopefully remain close as adults, will grow to understand the deep value of close family bonds.
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What Parents Can Do to Help Siblings Grow Their Bond originally appeared on usnews.com
