No. It’s a full sentence. When dealing with children and teens, however, it can often seem like saying no leads to a battle of wills, spurring a longer conversation. But that doesn’t mean you should just give in and say yes.
Instead, it’s important to understand the power of no and the benefits that it has for your child and her development.
There are many reasons why it’s so hard to say no to children. Many families have two working parents who are busier than ever. Time spent together is more limited and guilt may increase as a result. When families do get to be together, parents may be more inclined to say yes to avoid conflict and promote positive experiences. According to David Walsh, author of “No: Why Kids — Of All Ages — Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It,” “The job of being a parent today is harder than ever because media and advertising have brainwashed us into thinking that our kids should have more, that everything should be fast, easy and fun.”
[See: 6 Ways to Help Kids Combat Materialism.]
There is also a false belief that saying no will negatively impact a child’s self-esteem. Of course, if you are saying no for no’s sake, this is a possibility. But self-esteem is not bolstered by the things your children owns. It’s supported by guidance, love, connection and, believe it or not, limits and boundaries. Self-esteem is also promoted by knowing that there are going to be days you feel good about yourself and days that you don’t. If adults help children feel good through overindulgence, kids will never learn how to deal with more difficult emotions or circumstances.
So it’s important to keep perspective when children get upset at not getting everything they want. Here are a few ways setting limits and boundaries by saying no sometimes can benefit kids:
It can spark creativity and teach kids to be more resourceful. If you don’t buy that new doll, your child will eventually learn how to use what he has in new ways. He will learn that there are many solutions to a problem; he just has to figure out what they are. This promotes flexibility in his thinking, too, which will help him as he develops.
[Read: Take the Bubble Wrap Off Your Child.]
Experiencing real world letdowns help kids regulate emotions. Saying no sometimes teaches your child how to deal with disappointment. If you move all the barriers away, they won’t learn this incredibly important skill. Life is full of disappointments. If you don’t help your child understand that early on, they are going to be ill-prepared to handle letdowns as an adult.
Saying no can teach kids patience. We live in a culture that’s obsessed with immediate gratification , and that can make it hard to wait. But having patience improves our decision-making abilities and emotion regulation as well as enhancing our overall sense of calm. When we fail to teach kids patience, we risk raising entitled, self-focused adults.
It provides security. Believe it or not, children like limits and boundaries. Too many choices or inconsistency can make them feel anxious. While it may seem helpful to negotiate with your child, doing so can make them feel insecure, because they won’t really know where they stand. When you provide clear boundaries and set firm limits, your child can put their trust in you fully and will feel safe and cared for. With this foundation, their self-esteem will improve and they will feel more confident.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
A final element to consider is why you, as the parent, feel the need to say yes. Are you doing it to assuage your own guilt? Are you doing it to avoid a confrontation? Are you doing it to avoid having to manage their disappointment? If you say yes to any of these questions, step back, take a breath, and determine if no is the better answer. Then go with it. You can tolerate what comes next.
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The Power of No originally appeared on usnews.com
