Ask any parent of a teen, and they will tell you that trying to make conversation with their child is no easy task.
Parents wonder why it is that their formerly chatty children are now responding to their questions with eye rolls, sighs, and not uncommonly, door slamming. But what may seem like an inexplicable and abrupt change in the way you and your child interact actually has its roots in normal development.
Teens are entering a phase of life where they have a strong desire to limit how much information they disclose about themselves. This is very much connected to figuring out who they are and becoming independent. Nonetheless, they do want to communicate with their parents, but on their own terms.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
As a clinical psychologist, in working with teens and their parents for more than 25 years, I’ve observed the dialogue between parents and teens flows much more smoothly with time and practice. Based on my experience, here are some ways to improve communication and conversational flow with your teen:
Ask subtle and indirect questions. For instance, you might inquire, “How many kids were at the party?” That’s a better start than asking straightaway, “Were there drugs at the party?” Teens are much more likely to talk if it doesn’t feel like you’re just probing for information. An innocuous question gets the conversation going, and then you’re more likely to get the question that you’re really curious about answered.
Listen, listen and continue to listen without interrupting. Once you interrupt your teens are likely to shut down. Just let them talk and vent, and they will be so appreciative. Like everyone else, teens love to express themselves.
[See: How to Be a Good Listener.]
Don’t be overly emotional. If you overreact, your kids will stop talking, because they will get the impression that you can’t handle the information they’re sharing. Yes, you may be getting upset, but breathe deeply and present as calm so that your teens will continue to be open with you.
Try very hard not to be judgmental. Teens are very sensitive to how their parents perceive them, and if they get the slightest inkling of disapproval — even from non-verbal cues — they are likely to end the conversation. Hear them out. If you need to address distressing information, wait until you’ve been completely filled in and are calm before you state your concerns.
Be physically present and available. Teens tend to see their parents as unavailable, which always surprises parents. When your kids are in a room with you, consider turning off your computer, so that you can give them your full attention. Surprisingly, teens are extremely sensitive to rejection and to what they perceive as a lack of interest and unavailability — even though they may often act uninterested.
Initiate one-on-one conversations. These conversations — when there’s no other audience present — will be much appreciated because teens are both self-conscious and private.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Good communication between parents and teens is so important, and it’s always worth the effort to make that connection with your adolescent child. Teens who are able to communicate well with their parents tend to make better decisions, are less susceptible to peer pressure and tend to have better self-esteem.
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6 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Anything at All originally appeared on usnews.com
