It has been said that failure is the best teacher. What I learned surprised me.
Communication between me and my siblings stopped once I became my father’s caregiver.
Unfortunately, sibling squabbles are more typical in families than we admit. A series of events worthy of a memoir result in relationship rifts. Each sibling has a unique perspective on why things turned out the way they did. Here’s my story.
[See: 14 Ways Caregivers Can Care for Themselves.]
As the youngest of three, I was different. I was more outspoken and socialized more. I was a rebel since birth. My parents were expecting a boy. Unlike my smarter brother and sister, I had to work hard to achieve a 4.0 GPA. I carved out my niche by asking questions. I couldn’t accept, “Because I said so,” or “That’s the way it is.” Unfortunately, such behavior spelled T-R-O-U-B-L-E in our household. My brother teased me about being adopted. (I wasn’t, but I wondered, after hearing it enough times!) The result was, I was not expected to amount to much.
While my parents supported my brother and sister with school tuition and more, my father warned me before my 15 th birthday, “I’m going to retire next year. I’ll be on a fixed income. Because you’re still young, you’ll need to continue going to school and you’ll have to pay your way.” (So much for the youngest being spoiled!) Shortly after I turned 18, and in my second year of college, I flew out of the nest. While finishing my education, clear through graduate school, I served as a university professor and leadership and communication consultant, both noble professions in my parents’ eyes. Eleven years after leaving their home, I moved to California.
My brother stayed in the nest and my sister, close by. They took turns helping our father tend to our mother’s needs. She struggled with congestive heart failure. Toward the end, when her lungs filled with fluids and she gasped for air, she refused an ambulance. My sister and brother endured the stress of racing her to the ER.
[See: 17 Ways Heart Health Varies in Women and Men.]
After our mother died, our father grew increasingly forgetful and disorientated. Although I visited him at least annually, I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until the department on aging case worker called and said, “Something has to be done for your father.”
From 2,000 miles away I tried to coordinate with professionals. Within weeks, it became clear that my father needed assistance. My husband and I agreed to move him from his Wisconsin home of 45 years into our California home. It was then that communication broke down entirely. My brother, sister and I have not communicated or seen one another since 1997. Even when our father died, we corresponded indirectly regarding estate-related matters through attorneys.
Life isn’t so much about our failures but what we learn from them. If we use what we learn to improve the lives of others, even better.
Are You Willing to Manage Sibling Squabbles?
While I failed to repair relations with my siblings, my experience enabled me to prevent failures in other families.
We’re raised in society to solve problems. What if we can’t?
What I learned was surprising.
I can’t fix a broken relationship by myself. After nearly two decades, I’ve come to terms that my siblings must also want to preserve what remains of our immediate blood family. By pushing to the left the ego’s need to be right and lessening our grip on what we perceive went wrong, we may be able to rebuild our family ties.
I’ve reached out to both over the years. I’ve left voice messages after our father died and sent “happy birthday” letters. As the youngest of three, I’m missing pieces of childhood history that my older brother and sister might better recall.
What we experience is not wasted if we learn from it and use it to help others.
The years are gone and I’m without the relationship I had hoped for with my siblings. My pain and willingness to accept what is enables me to be more sensitive when applying the tools honed during my career. These are the things I learned while caring for my father.
Families Can Take 2 Steps Now to Overcome Sibling Strife
1. Discuss What’s Important, What Matters, Now
Feuding or non-speaking families who are willing to visualize a future filled with RAGE — Regret, Anger, Guilt and Ego — may succeed and reconcile enough to focus on what matters. While caring for my father, I learned that relationships matter. I learned that the little things matter. Finally, providing quality care matters, a lot.
[See: The Best Ways for Nursing Home Residents to Stay Active.]
When family members share their perceptions and feelings, they’re also releasing what they’re harboring. A respected third party can help by skillfully moderating the discussion among contentious family members while ensuring equal time for expression. Often, it’s not an issue that needs resolution but the need to feel heard. This is a major step in opening up the lines of communication, reducing RAGE and moving toward healing.
2. Work Together to Ensure the Best-Possible Care for a Loved One
Ultimately, what matters is working together to ensure mom or dad receives the best care possible.
Not all family members will be able to provide care for a parent. Usually, one will take the responsibility. Once family members work through the first step above, they can decide how willing each is to contribute. If one sibling’s career is on hold while caring for a parent, the others can contribute financially or with gift certificates for a day or weekend of respite care, as needed.
Years ago, during the Q&A portion of a keynote address I delivered, a family member, one of 13 siblings, shared how she and her siblings worked together to care for their mom. While some took turns staying with their mom in her home, others helped financially or took mom to her doctor’s appointments.
Caregiving is hard enough with its many twists and turns and uncertainties. Each day, self-doubt casts clouds over our decisions. There’s no sense in beating ourselves up because we can’t reconcile broken relationships. We forge ahead and do the best we can for those we love.
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How to Manage Sibling Squabbles When Caring for an Aging Parent originally appeared on usnews.com
