Some couples who are self-isolating together might be getting on each other’s nerves, but a D.C. behavior therapist has advice for having a good fight.
“All relationships will have conflict,” said George Washington University assistant professor of counseling Delishia Pittman. “My goal is to help you be better at handling conflict in your relationship. I want you to fight more effectively.”
Pittman advises fighting to be understood, not to win. Because, she said, fighting to win means someone has to lose.
“So, somebody in that exchange has to go unheard, misunderstood, without getting their needs met in a fighting-to-win dynamic,” Pittman said.
Behavior to avoid that signals you’re fighting to win includes stonewalling, withdrawing or walking away mid-argument.
To create a conflict management plan, Pittman advises couples to come up with a “safe word” that’s not part of everyday vocabulary but not so abstract you won’t remember it.
The safe word should be used when one or both people realize the conflict has escalated to the point where further discussion won’t be productive.
“Sometimes, using the safe word can also be about caretaking for your partner: if your partner has heightened physiological arousal, you see signs they’re about to blow, they’re withdrawing and just can’t handle the conflict anymore,” Pittman said.
When the safe word is used, what then?
- The conversation ends.
- You separate for an agreed upon time/space.
- Breaks should last 15, 25 or 30 minutes.
- Afterward, regroup to re-engage.
- If feelings still are too hot, hit reset on the break time.
- If four breaks don’t result in re-engagement, break for 24 hours.
“Then, you carve out time the next evening to have the conversation,” Pittman said. “Generally speaking, couples can resolve whatever the conflict is to some degree that feels amicable to both parties.”
Also, recognize some couples have perpetual conflicts. Pittman said some things happen in relationships that don’t have resolution: they have compromise.
“Recognizing that, ‘We’re going to have to revisit this conversation multiple times in our relationship,’ is not a failing of your relationship because you can’t come to some agreement,” Pittman said.
“There are some things that are going to change, because couples change, people change. And so you’re going to have to revisit that.”
Pittman provided those strategies for handling conflict productively during a virtual community webinar hosted by the D.C. Psychological Association.
Upcoming DCPA virtual events and support groups focusing on self-care, parents, and living alone/self-support are scheduled.
You can get details, register to attend and learn about new topics as events are arranged on the Events DC Psychological Association website.
Plans still are being finalized for veterans and LGBTQIA support groups, which will begin in mid-May.
