Don't dismiss a report from school that your child is being aggressive. Conference with the teacher and talk to adults who see your child in different social settings. Read advice to help you deal proactively and positively toward your child.
Young mom with her daugher at psychologist consultation(Getty Images/iStockphoto/alexsokolov)
Young mom with her daugher at psychologist consultation(Getty Images/iStockphoto/alexsokolov)
A mom told me that her son’s teacher says he bullies a classmate and deliberately slams and trips other kids. “He denies it and doesn’t behave like that at home,” she said. “My husband says it’s just a phase, so who do I believe?”
My advice to the mom: Listen to the teacher. Aggressive behavior is learned, can become entrenched and should never be considered a “phase.” The consequences of letting aggression go unheeded are disastrous to a child’s character and reputation. Here are nine healthy ways, from my book “End Peer Cruelty, Build Empathy,” to address childhood aggression:
Get details. Don’t dismiss a report from school that your child is being aggressive. Conference with the teacher and talk to adults who see your child in different social settings. Ask for details so you can find out what may be motivating this behavior: “Where and when did this happen? What started it? Who was involved? How frequently does it happen?” Then you can develop a plan.
[Read: How to Keep Teens From Turning Their Smartphones Into Weapons.]
(Getty Images/Ableimages)
Getty Images/Ableimages
Step in ASAP. The minute your child uses aggression, step in. In a serious tone, describe what is wrong: “That is mean,” “you were hitting” or “that is bullying.” Then discuss why you will not allow it. “In our family, you are always to be kind to others.” “You will not treat another person cruelly.” “We use our hands to help people, not our fists.” Let your child know you will supervise her when you’re around or check in regularly with the teacher regarding how she is acting at school. When kids realize that they’re being watched, they’re less likely to engage in inappropriate behaviors.
Require restitution. Insist that your child be held responsible for any hurtful action so he doesn’t think that he can get away with abusive behavior. Set a consequence that “fits the crime.” You might start by asking your child what he plans to do. If your son sends a cruel text to a friend, he loses his cellphone privilege. If your daughter spread vicious rumors about a peer, she is prohibited from going to a sleepover. If your son hurts his brother, he does his chores. Kids must learn that though they can’t take away the hurt they caused, they will be required to make amends and never let off the hook for aggression.
(Getty Images/Monkey Business/Monkey Business Images)
Getty Images/Monkey Business/Monkey Business Images
Teach a positive alternative. Work with your child to create a positive solution to stop the aggression. If she pinches because she doesn’t know how to express her needs, teach her how. If she bullies to find friends, teach her friendship-making skills. If he hits because of poor impulse control, teach anger management strategies like yoga, meditation, mindfulness or emotion regulation techniques.
Check the social scene. Kids can learn aggressive behaviors by watching others, so make sure the kids and adults your child is with are appropriate models. If your child hangs with kids who enjoy exerting their physical or emotional power over others, seek positive, alternative social avenues where your child can make new friends, such as a church group, scouting or a sports team. And consciously model kinder behaviors for her to copy.
[Read: Helping Kids Navigate a Virtual World Where Cyberbullying Is Common.]
(Getty Images/moodboard RF/moodboard)
Getty Images/moodboard RF/moodboard
Monitor media consumption. Studies show that entertainment violence can lead to increases in aggressive attitudes, values and behavior in some children. Does your child become more aggressive after playing certain video games or watching particular movies or television shows, or espouse the view that aggression is acceptable? If so, set clear limits on your child’s viewing habits.
Acknowledge positive behavior. Praise can do wonders to reinforce positive behaviors, especially for kids who are discouraged. When deserved, tell your son exactly what he did so he’s more likely to repeat the action. “Good job! You stayed calm when your brother made that sound you hate.” “You used your words to tell us what you needed!” Also reinforce caring behaviors: “That was so kind of you to tell your friend you’re sorry his Grandpa is ill. It made him feel better.”
(Getty Images/Top Photo Group RF/Top Photo Corporation)
Getty Images/Top Photo Group RF/Top Photo Corporation
Cultivate empathy. Repeated aggressive acts can diminish empathy. One way to help kids learn to consider others’ feelings is by doing something to help others. Make sure the experience is meaningful and involves face-to-face contact, like volunteering at a food bank, and matches your child’s interests and strengths.
Find professional help. If your child’s aggression does not improve, find a trained mental health professional who can create a plan to help your child develop new habits. Meet with the school psychologist or counselor or ask the pediatrician for a referral.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Aggression can be replaced, but sustained adult guidance is required. Your goal is to help your child recognize that aggression is not the way to resolve problems and learn positive new habits to replace inappropriate ones.
More from U.S. News8 Things You Didn’t Know About CounselingWhat to Say and Do If Your Daughter Thinks She’s Fat10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child9 Healthy Ways to Address Childhood Aggressionoriginally appeared onusnews.com
(Getty Images/iStockphoto/alexsokolov)
