It’s a rare parent who doesn’t agree that children need a strong moral compass.
Moral convictions help guide kids to ultimately do the right thing without us, and yet most of us believe we’re failing to teach children to become good people. According to a Gallup Poll, 77 percent of Americans feel the nation’s moral values are getting worse.
Certainly there are examples to support this. That includes widespread cheating in high schools and colleges; experts note that many adults’ and kids’ attitudes have softened toward this academic indiscretion as kids seek to get an edge by any means possible. Harvard research also found that two-thirds of adolescents ranked their own personal happiness as far more important than their goodness.
But science shows that parents do play a significant role in nurturing our children’s moral growth. These critical lessons are first learned at home.
[Read: 9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids.]
Here are nine proven strategies to help your child learn right from wrong, develop a strong conscience and act right even in the face of temptation. So let’s roll up our sleeves and get started.
Commit to raising a moral child. Research finds that parents who feel strongly about raising a moral child usually succeed because they devote themselves to that effort. So make the commitment, and follow through.
Be a moral model. Science confirms that parental conduct has a considerable effect on a child’s developing code of morality. So, tune in to your behavior: Are you modeling the moral behaviors you want your child to adopt? Of course, you’ll falter, but when you do, open up about your mistakes. It’s another chance to talk to your kid about moral values and your beliefs.
Use discipline as a moral lesson. Hope that your child is well-behaved, lends a hand and cares about others? Then use what’s called inductive discipline. Plainly explain why the behavior was hurtful and draw your child’s attention to the victim’s distress: “You made your friend cry. I expect you to treat people kindly. What will you do to make your friend feel better?” When used consistently, this simple technique is proven to help children understand the impact of their actions, improve their ability to connect with others and understand things from another’s perspective.
[Read: How to Close the Empathy Gap.]
Share your moral beliefs. Speaking frequently to your child about values is called “direct moral teaching,” and studies find that parents who raise moral kids do it often. Look for moral issues, such as those featured in TV shows and the news as well as situations at school or at home. Tell your kids how you feel about the issues and why. Check out films and read stories that are rich with moral examples, such as “Aesop’s Fables,” “Charlotte’s Web” and “The Velveteen Rabbit.” Just make sure your talks are aimed at your child’s level of understanding.
Create a family mantra. Kids who act morally have parents who expect them to do so. Parental standards help form children’s moral identities and define their beliefs. So call a family meeting and clarify your core values. Start by asking questions such as, “What do we stand for? “What kind of family do we want to become?” “How do we hope people describe us?” Brainstorm a list of values, like kindness, fairness, helpfulness, honesty and service, and put them down on paper. Discuss each, and choose one or two your family deems most significant. Then create a catchy family motto that describes your value. “We look for the good.” “Our family steps in to help.” “We care.” Post it as your screensaver, tape it on a wall, and continually repeat and reinforce your mantra until it becomes your children’s behavior guide.
Ask the right questions. Experts agree that posing the right questions can expand moral growth. Take a few minutes to discuss moral dilemmas that crop up in the news, films or your children’s behavior. Here are a few conscience-stretching questions: “Was that part of our family’s values?” “Why do you think I’m concerned?” “How would you feel if someone treated you that way?” Try withholding your views at first so your children can freely express their opinions, but always help them understand when a behavior is wrong and how to make it right.
Use nouns, not verbs. Research of 3- to 6-year-olds found that even minor changes in word choice can affect moral behaviors. Researchers at the University of San Diego began by talking to children about helping. In one experiment, helping was referred to with a verb, noting that some children choose “to help.” In another experiment, helping was referred to as a noun — that some children choose to be “helpers.” Then children were given opportunities to help the adult. Kids invited to be “helpers” were far more likely to help than kids who heard the verb wording “to help.” Describing prosocial behaviors with nouns seems to motivate kids to lend a hand. So, if you want your kids to see themselves as a caring people, use nouns! Children who view themselves as kind or caring are more likely to lend a hand because they’ll want to behave in ways that are consistent with their self-image.
Reinforce moral behaviors. We’re so quick to reprimand kids for doing the wrong thing. But one of the simplest ways to help kids learn new behaviors and develop good character is to reinforce positive actions as they happen. So purposely catch your child acting morally and acknowledge her good behavior by describing what she did right and why you appreciate it. “That was so kind of you to comfort your friend. You made him feel so much better. I love that you’re such a caring person!”
Become a charitable family. Community service projects can help kids see themselves as good and caring people, and teach them about fairness, kindness and justice. So, encourage your children to lend a hand. Find a cause that concerns your kids and matches their passions and interests, from working at a local food bank, bringing toys to a children’s shelter or reading to the elderly. Earn extra credit points by pitching in with your kids!
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
Helping our children learn standards of goodness takes time, patience, commitment and love. Keep in mind that every day is a learning day when it comes to moral growth. Just remember: Our ultimate goal is to wean our kids from our guidance so they finally act right on their own.
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9 Ways to Raise a Really Good Kid originally appeared on usnews.com
