Virtually every parent of a newborn has one universal thing in common: total and utter sleep deprivation. It’s unhealthy, unsafe and unimaginably unpleasant. It’s jet lag without the benefit of travel. During the early days of parenthood, sleep deprivation will be the reason you may find yourself admitting to your spouse or partner that you never wanted the baby in the first place. Or worse, that the baby is the lovechild between mom and the mail carrier.
Whenever anyone who has children learns the news of a pregnancy, they inevitably say “get sleep now while you can.” This might be the most understated advice any expecting parent can get, and until experienced in the first person, the sensation of parenting a newborn — and the sleep deprivation that is associated with it — is unimaginable.
By definition, you’ve created a new human who, theoretically, will resemble one or both of the parents, and this process has, as a result, taxed the physical, psychological and hormonal systems — which were all fragile in the first place. Nothing — except for the sky remaining blue and the hum of the refrigerator being louder at night than during the day — is the way it used to be once you enter life “post-partum.” This is due to the new “dependent” (bonus: baby’s a write-off), who is just a few days, weeks or months old, having zero ability to function on its own and therefore relying entirely on a parent (and then some) to live. That sensation you have somewhere between your gut and the throb of your head? That’s called “survival mode.” It’s basically altitude sickness caused by anxiety, panic and not knowing what to do with yourself or your baby.
Some tips for surviving those first few weeks as a new parent:
1. There are 24 hours in a day, and every one of them is fair game for tending to the newborn — so if your pre-baby sleep pattern was, for example, a banana, imagine putting that banana into a blender and pushing the “liquefy” button. That’s your new sleep pattern, so knowing this — intellectually — will help you cope, and it at least explains why you’re doing stupid things like putting the ground coffee beans into your cereal bowl and the cereal into the coffee maker. The more you get this through your head now, the less it will frustrate you when you take a sip of that cereal coffee.
2. Don’t be shy about asking for help. Preferably from someone who has done this before. This is where family comes in handy. In the old days, “it took a village” literally meant villagers would come together to help care for the neediest and newest member of the family or tribe. Today’s version might be someone helping the new mom out by getting a long enough phone charger cord to reach her feeding chair, taking care of housework like the pile of laundry large enough to ski down or provisioning for diapers and their accouterment.
3. For couples in this together, delegate responsibilities or divide and conquer. During overnights (and well into daytime), there are three essential tasks: feeding, burping and changing diapers. If there are two people around, one person shouldn’t do all three things. If you’re flying solo, see number two.
4. Do everything you can to build a little “sleep zone” for yourself and your partner, so that you can take advantage of any moment (and they’ll only be mere moments) when sleep is feasible. Invest in a good eye mask, so you can sleep during the day or when lights are on. There’s a reason fancy airline amenity kits include eye masks: because they work, and wearing one goes a long way to at least a single coveted REM sleep cycle. Also, keep plenty of water, earplugs and comfortable pillows and blankets handy. Ditch the cell phone or tablet habit in bed, because the blue light emitted from electronic devices messes with your sleep cycle on a good day, let alone when you’re desperate for a few precious minutes of sleep.
5. Lay off the alcohol and drugs. Drinking alcohol makes it harder for your brain to sleep. If you find yourself saying “I need a drink or six,” and you will, do yourself a favor and substitute water or tea for that wine, beer or tequila you’re craving. Staying hydrated is crucial. Getting drunk while sleep deprived is like trying to run a marathon in ski boots.
6. Regarding diapers, there are two essential lessons: First, you can’t overstock them. Impossible. Babies, especially newborns, will go through more diapers than you think. Second, learn how to change a dirty diaper in under 20 seconds, with your eyes closed, and one hand behind your back. Need practice? You’ll have 92,000 chances to get it right. Make a check list and post it near the changing table — the same way pilots keep check lists in the cockpit — because making one mistake or going out of order during a diaper change is like trying to land a plane without landing gear. It’s bound to eventually hurt, and it’ll redefine the term “skid mark.”
7. Be really careful in the kitchen and/or while operating heavy machinery (including a car). Sleep deprivation takes its toll on response times, judgment and depth perception. Don’t chop vegetables if you don’t have to — you need as many fingers as possible to change those diapers.
8. Stay positive! Things get better. If all goes well, your baby will grow up and no longer be a baby — and then your sleep deprivation will be the result of a new driver in the family, a first date or any of the other zillion reasons for parental anxiety. By this point, alcohol and/or drugs might be sensible — in moderation.
Getting past the challenges of a newborn is worth it — or at least this is what we’re told. In theory, it’s so worth it that the moment you acclimate, and your newborn becomes a toddler, you want to do it all over again.
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A New Dad’s Advice on Coping With Sleep Deprivation originally appeared on usnews.com
