De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar of Olivette, Missouri, decided to try dating apps after she became a widow. She started on one app and eventually used a handful of them.
As a sexuality and relationship therapist, Blaylock-Solar had a healthy approach to the apps.
“I tried my best to not obsess over them. I also limited my time on them and made a point to connect with family and friends who were in front of me,” she says.
As she’d been out of the dating scene for several years, she leaned on a friend who served as her dating coach.
“She helped me to understand that rejection on dating apps was not indicative of my worth as a potential partner or as a human,” she says.
Blaylock-Solar eventually met her current husband on Tinder and uninstalled her dating apps after they went exclusive. Her experience points out both the good and bad when it comes to mental health and dating apps.
[See: Apps to Support Your Mental Health]
Dating Apps: Good or Bad for Mental Health?
On the plus side, there’s the potential to find love or romantic fun in a specific, structured place and help fulfill a psychological need for connection.
“(The apps) can create a layer of safety from which to begin to get to know someone and empower users to negotiate the terms of engagement from the outset, decreasing misunderstanding and wasted time,” says Deborah Vinall, a licensed marriage and family therapist and chief psychological officer with Recovered.org, which provides information and resources for mental health and addiction treatment.
On the other hand, many people have heard or experienced firsthand dating app horror stories that can leave anyone mentally scarred. That can include rejection, ghosting and catfishing, as well as body image issues. “There’s a lot of pressure to look good in the profile picture just to capture other users’ attention long enough to engage, juxtaposed against the need for authenticity,” Vinall says.
[READ: How to Use Your Smartphone — and Protect Your Mental Health]
Mental Health Tips for Using Dating Apps
Still, there are ways to use dating apps without getting completely mentally fried. Here are some tips to keep your mental health in check while you’re on dating apps.
1. Plan your profile
Your profile is your first impression.
“As a rule of thumb, keep it simple, short and sweet, and get into more of the details of your life once you feel connected with someone,” advises licensed clinical psychologist Annie M. Varvaryan of Couch Conversations Psychotherapy and Counseling in Los Angeles.
Here are a few more dos and don’ts for your dating app profile:
— Don’t reveal sensitive personal information, like medical diagnoses, major life events or major work turmoil. Save those for dating conversations, once you feel comfortable revealing them.
— Don’t share financial information.
— Be authentic about who you are. Posting what you think someone else might want may capture attention, but the connection may fizzle or trap you into playing a role that isn’t true to you, Vinall cautions.
2. Make sure you’re ready
Because rejection and other common challenges that occur when using the apps may be tough to navigate, ask yourself if you feel mentally, physically and emotionally ready to use dating apps, Varvaryan says.
There may be times when you shouldn’t put yourself on dating apps. These include when you:
— Feel social anxiety from virtual social situations, although this is something you can work on overcoming in therapy
— Have a hard time accepting rejection, although this also is something you can work on therapy
— Are going through a significant loss or difficult breakup
“Consider taking some time off from apps to really heal from those experiences,” Varvaryan advises.
[READ: Tips to Heal a Broken Heart.]
3. Limit your time on the apps
Spending time on dating apps can start to feel like a full-time job, especially if you’re on multiple apps and chatting or going on dates with several people at once. To avoid letting the apps take over your life, set up specific times to use them. For example, you can plan to check them only once or twice a day at the beginning and the end of the day.
You may want to have other boundaries to avoid getting burned out, such as:
— Limiting yourself to the use of one app at a time
— Only chatting with one or two people at a time
— Limiting the number of dates you go on per week
4. Don’t let rejection drag you down
Experiencing rejection, whether outright or through ghosting, is just the reality of dating apps.
“Remember that someone is only seeing surface-level information and a few pictures. Try not to personalize or make assumptions about why you’re not getting new matches,” advises Valerie Ostrosky, a therapist and interim therapy lead for the virtual health platform PlushCare.
Everyone who dates experiences rejection. Being incompatible with someone doesn’t mean anything negative about you, your appearance or your personality. Everyone needs to find the person that’s right for them.
5. Find a therapist to talk with about dating
Dating in person or online can take up a lot of mental effort. Friends can cheer you on, but you may want to debrief about dating or your previous relationship patterns with someone who’s more objective, like a therapist.
Your therapist may already have asked you about dating or relationships. If not, start with a simple question, like “I recently went on a dating app and wanted to talk about that experience with you. Is that OK?” You can decide how much you want to share after that.
If you currently see a therapist but don’t feel comfortable discussing your dating life with them, it may be time to find a new therapist. You want to feel comfortable broaching the topic, which can become more intimate.
6. Be respectful but honest
Make a plan for how you want to let potential suitors know that they’re not a match.
“It’s always best to be honest, in the most respectful way possible, and move on,” Varvaryan advises. For example, she recommends a couple of ideas for communicating about how you feel:
1. “Thanks for going on a date with me. I think we’re looking for different things, but I wish you the best.”
2. “It’s been nice meeting you. I’m realizing I need more time to think about what I want from dating. I hope everything goes well for you, thanks for your time.”
At the same time, consider if that “great, but not for me” person could still be someone to have in your life.
“You may form friendships while getting to know others,” Blaylock-Solar says.
If you’re thinking of them as a friend rather than a romantic partner, you’ll need to have that conversation with the other person as well, who likely went into the experience looking for more than a friend.
7. Engage in some self-reflection
Self-reflection can help you figure out what you want from a relationship you may find on a dating app, even if it’s just something casual. It also can navigate you toward finding the right app for you. On some apps, you may need to pay for access to meet better matches.
You also may want to reflect on previous dating and relationship experiences to find out what worked and didn’t work for you.
“Consider keeping a journal of the dating process to be able to reflect and adjust as needed,” Ostrosky advises.
Use your journaling to write about:
— Your feelings about dating and how they may be evolving
— What you liked or didn’t like about the people you met via the apps
— What you’ve learned from previous relationships or dates and how you may do things differently in the future
Although Vinall firmly advises dating app users to not just settle, she also says it can be useful to distinguish your “must haves” from your “nice to haves” if you’re having many dates that you decide aren’t right for you.
“Is there room for grace on personality quirks while holding firm to ideals of shared values and being treated with respect?” she says.
8. Focus on you
“Keep dating enjoyable for you,” advises Marisa T. Cohen, a licensed marriage and family therapist and an expert for the dating app Hily.
This includes focusing on what you’re looking for rather than dwelling on what the other person might think.
“Before matching with others, consider the types of relationships you want and the qualities you’d like in a match. Don’t lose sight of yourself in dating,” Cohen advises.
9. Listen to your gut
That means tuning in to the dating approach that works best for you and leaves you feeling good. This can refer to the number of dates you choose to go on, how many people you match with or how many apps you use.
“There’s no one-size-fits-all magic formula,” Cohen says.
Keep this piece of advice in mind even if you have friends going on lots of dates or chatting with many people when you don’t feel like you’re in that same headspace or “heart space.” Make sure to do what’s right for you versus caving in to peer pressure.
10. Think about finding dates in real life
Consider finding ways to meet new people in person if the dating apps are starting to burn you out or in addition to your app efforts.
“Many of my clients using dating apps would prefer to meet someone in person, organically. I work with them to develop new hobbies, consider signing up for a new class and build up their relationships and social activities while still using the apps,” Ostrosky says.
A few ideas for meeting people in person include:
— Classes for things that interest you, like a cooking or foreign language class
— Special events and concerts
— Volunteering
— At a run club, the gym or in fitness classes
“The organic process will be slower, so don’t lose heart,” Vinall advises.
11. Don’t be afraid to delete
If the process of using dating apps is getting to be too much, you can always delete the apps off your phone — and reinstall them later if you feel up to it in the future.
“Get together with friends in real life and engage in activities that are just for you, that fill you up and that remind you of who you are away from the digital screen,” Vinall says.
Bottom Line
Using dating apps can be a whirlwind experience of high hopes followed by disappointments, yet they also may lead to real relationships. The key point is to keep your expectations realistic and don’t let them overtake your life.
“Just like with any other app on our phones that takes up time and energy, it’s important to create structure, boundaries and balance,” Varvaryan says.
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How to Take Care of Your Mental Health While Using Dating Apps originally appeared on usnews.com
