Penny Vogt, 67, has experienced the good and the bad of dating as an older adult.
Whether they’d just gotten out of a long marriage, were too eager to jump into a relationship, weren’t interested in fun activities, or were dealing with their grown children’s disapproval, the men she’s dated have largely been difficult to connect with.
“My goal for dating is for companionship, a partner to do things and go places with,” says Vogt, who was married for 21 years before divorcing. “I miss the daily interaction with a partner as well as having someone in your life who cares about you and that you matter to. Your kids grow up and love and care about you, but they’re involved in their own lives. I’m not looking for marriage material — just someone who is decent, kind and fun!”
Vogt’s dating dilemmas are all very familiar for seniors seeking a new special someone.
Here’s how to navigate the new rules of dating as an older adult, and what to be aware of when you do find someone who makes you feel as giddy as a teenager.
Dating as an Older Adult: Rediscovering Love and Companionship
The human need for connection to others doesn’t diminish as we age, and neither do the butterflies we get when dating someone new.
“Many of the highs and lows of the dating roller coaster are the same: Will they text or call me, did they like me, was I too loud or pushy or quiet on our date, when should I have sex with this person?” says Janie Steckenrider, a professor at Loyola Marymount University who studies aging and sexuality.
Older people also experience the same excitement around emotional connections and physical intimacy as younger people do. That includes sex.
“People don’t like to think about their grandparents being sexually active, so it’s easier and more comfortable to buy into the myth that they are asexual and uninterested in sex,” Steckenrider says.
However, in a recent study, 91% of older adults said sexual chemistry is important for a romantic relationship.
The growth of senior living facilities and retirement communities has provided more opportunities to meet others at social events.
“This clustering of older adults promotes opportunities for both intimacy and hook-ups,” Steckenrider says.
Benefits of dating for seniors
Loneliness affects both physical and mental health, so romantic connections offer benefits beyond mere enjoyment. In fact, romantic relationships have health benefits for seniors, including:
— Less stress. Research has shown that seniors in satisfying relationships have lower cortisol levels, indicating less stress. This may also lead to better heart health.
— Reduced depression. Social isolation is a risk factor for worsening mental health in seniors. Positive social connections, on the other hand, have been linked to lower rates of depression.
— Improved mood. Physical intimacy, including cuddling, hugging and sex, releases oxytocin, the “feel-good” hormone, increasing happiness.
— Healthier behaviors. Seniors in active relationships tend to get more physical activity. They also tend to have better personal hygiene.
— Better health outcomes. Research has shown that strong relationships are linked with better recovery after surgery, less chronic pain and improved well-being for those with serious health conditions, including cancer.
— Increased lifespan. Ultimately, close connections with others lead to a longer, more fulfilling life.
Embracing your life experience and confidence
Dating as an older adult also means you’re more comfortable and confident in who you are, making it easier to be open and honest with potential partners, as long as you’re not too set in your ways.
“With age comes the awareness that life is short, so you are far less likely to put up with any nonsense or drama,” Steckenrider says.
In addition, the pressure to “settle down” and start a family is gone. Relationships at this time of life are solely about enjoying another person’s company.
[READ: How to Make Friends as an Adult]
Understanding Your Relationship Goals and Interests
Finding a romantic relationship when you’re older involves soul-searching to figure out what you’re looking for at this point in life and making sure your partner is on the same page.
“Communication is key! Engaging in open and honest conversations about desires and concerns can help older adults navigate these decisions,” says Amanda Krisher, the associate director of behavioral health for the National Council on Aging.
Ask yourself:
— How do you define romantic fulfillment?
— What activities help you feel connected to your partner?
— What creates a “spark” between you and a partner?
— What do you value most in a relationship?
— Do you want to get married again?
At this point in life, marriage may not be necessary or desired, but if it is, there are certain considerations.
Talk with your partner about:
— How this decision might impact each person’s financial status
— Family members’ concerns and how you’ll respond
— Each person’s future care plan — to age in place or move to a senior living facility, for example, and how the other person will fit into this plan
— Expectations each person has regarding sex and intimacy
“Once you have answered these questions, you can discuss them with your potential partner, having them answer the same questions,” Krisher says.
[READ What Are Attachment Styles and How to Find Yours]
Where and How to Meet Other Older Singles
According to surveys, many older people feel unsure how to meet new people or act romantically when they do.
Even with the abundance of modern technologies available for connecting, considering “old-fashioned” methods that may put you at ease.
Through friends
If you’re alone for the first time after divorce or the death of a spouse, friends and family may be eager to set you up when you’re ready to date again. Take the leap and let them.
“There’s an inherent comfort in meeting someone through another person you already know and trust,” Krisher says.
Through your own hobbies and interests
Pursuing activities you enjoy can lead to shared connections with potential partners. Get involved with:
— Your community garden
— A book club
— Game nights
— Volunteer work
— Senior center social activities
Online dating
Online dating apps are also gaining popularity among older people,.
One survey found that 1 in 6 people over 50 had ever used an online dating website or app, with more people in their 50s using them (23%) and use decreasing with age.
“We will likely see the use of online dating options increase for those generations who have been more exposed to this option, as Americans continue to age,” Krisher says.
In the survey, older people cited the same reasons for online dating as younger people: to find a long-term partner or spouse, to date casually, to have sex or to meet new friends.
Popular dating apps and websites for older people include:
— Match
— eHarmony
— OkCupid
Dating sites and apps geared specifically for seniors include:
— OurTime
Tips for Staying Safe When Dating
Older people may overlook the need to safeguard their physical, emotional and financial security when opening themselves up to potential partners.
1. Practice safe sex
The number of cases of sexually transmitted infections among seniors has doubled in the past decade, due in part to:
— An increase in sexual activity in senior living centers
— Low use of condoms
— Lack of knowledge about STIs
“People over the age of 65 ‘came of age’ when using a condom meant preventing a pregnancy,” Steckenrider says. “Now that they are older and there is no pregnancy risk, hence (they think there’s) no need for a condom.”
Protection is necessary because older people are just as susceptible to STIs.
Doctors, though, may not bring it up.
“They assume that older adults are not sexually active, so they don’t ask,” Steckenrider says.
Even if you have to initiate the conversation, it’s important to discuss with your doctor how to stay safe.
2. Protect your physical safety
When first connecting with someone online, safety is key, so keep your guard up:
— Stick to chatting through the dating app rather than giving your personal email or phone number.
— Always meet in a public place, arrive on your own, and let someone — such as your children or a friend — know where you’re going and with whom.
— Keep early dates brief, such as coffee or a drink, then move on to lunch and dinner as you get to know each other better.
— Refrain from sharing your last name until you get to know them better.
3. Avoid online dating scams
Online dating poses a significant risk to older adults due to the rise of financial scams, often referred to as “catfishing.”
“Older people can be susceptible to individuals who target them with stories of romance and requests for money,” Steckenrider says.
Almost half of older online daters reported being in contact with someone they thought was trying to scam them, according to a Pew Research Center study.
Be suspicious if your new connection avoids video chats or makes excuses not to meet in person, as this could indicate they’re not who they claim to be.
Most importantly, never give money or your financial information to anyone you meet online.
You should be suspicious of anyone requesting this information.
4. Talk with your children
Your grown children may be rightly worried about you being targeted by romantic or financial scammers.
Getting your kids involved can help prevent that, as younger people might be more attuned to the potential dangers of the internet.
Discuss your online safety plan with your children to ensure you’ve taken the proper precautions.
When online dating, enlist your kids’ help if any online contact feels “off,” or if someone asks you for personal information or money.
Although your children may be concerned about your dating, it’s still your choice, not theirs.
“Grown children can find it hard to see their parent involved romantically with someone, especially if their other parent has died,” Steckenrider says. “They also may be very uncomfortable with the thought that their parent is sexually interested and active.”
As long as you feel safe, refrain from oversharing your newfound love life with your children, even if you’re excited.
“The parent should share these details with their friends, not their children who don’t need or want to know the details,” Steckenrider says.
Bottom Line
Dating at an older age presents new challenges, but people strive for romantic connections at any age, whether you’re looking for a dinner companion, someone to travel with, a sexual partner, a long-term relationship or even marriage.
“For many people, dating when you’re older is to fulfill that human need for emotional intimacy,” Steckenrider says. “Dating can just be about the experience of enjoying another person.”
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Dating for Older Adults: Is it Really That Different? originally appeared on usnews.com
