Maintaining a home is hard work. And as you age, house maintenance tasks can feel even harder. If you or a loved one are struggling to take care of or live safely in your current home, it may be time to downsize. Of course, downsizing a home with a lifetime of memories — and stuff — is no easy task.
What Is Downsizing?
Downsizing a home is a term used to describe the process of reducing the number and variety of items a senior has before moving into a smaller space. This smaller space might be simply a smaller home or condominium in the same town. Downsizing may also occur prior to moving into an assisted living facility or nursing home or moving across the country to be closer to loved ones. Downsizing often goes hand in hand with decluttering, which is the process of throwing away, selling, gifting or donating possessions that you will no longer need or have the capacity to store in your new space.
It is possible to downsize without decluttering — and to declutter without downsizing — but pairing the two together is a strategic way to reduce the amount of space and number of supplies you are responsible for.
[READ: Affordable Housing Options for Seniors]
Signs It’s Time to Downsize and Declutter
The need to downsize and declutter can increase with age. Particularly for older adults who continue to live in multi-bedroom family homes for years after their children move out, home maintenance challenges may necessitate a move to a smaller nesting place.
“Sometimes a house is just too big for one person,” says Becky Bongiovanni, cofounder and brand president of CarePatrol Franchise Systems, LLC, a senior care solutions franchise. She is based in Gilbert, Arizona.
She adds that many people consider downsizing after a spouse passes, which — among other extreme hardships — can increase the burden of housework for the remaining widow or widower.
Some signs that it’s time for your loved one to downsize and declutter — or to consider doing so — include:
— Your loved one is struggling to manage to house maintenance tasks around the home.
— Your loved one has lost their spouse and is living alone.
— Your loved one is struggling with mobility issues, and this complicates their ability to maintain or get around their home.
— Your loved one experiences safety risks in their home, such as being at risk for falling down stairs, tripping on clutter, forgetting to lock all doors or leaving on appliances in unoccupied rooms.
In addition, your loved one will need to prepare to downsize and declutter if they are planning to move to a senior living community or expect that they will do so in the near future. The size of their room or apartment in the senior living community will dictate how many possessions they need to part with, as will any rules and restrictions set by the community they are moving into.
“The need to downsize when moving to a senior living community is a normal occurrence, especially if an older adult is transitioning from a family home that they have lived in for many years,” Bongiovanni says. “Every situation is unique, but the common thread is that downsizing can be a necessary step on the journey to community living.”
[READ: How to Coordinate a Parent’s Care With Siblings.]
Unpacking the Emotional Baggage of Downsizing
Depending on how big your loved one’s house is and how many possessions they have inside it, downsizing and decluttering can be a lengthy, tedious process. And regardless of size or numbers, this process can be emotional.
“There will be a plethora of emotions that will bubble to the surface when going through the downsizing process,” Bongiovanni says.
Among those is fear, which can comes with any change, as well as sadness and grief as the person comes to terms with “leaving their past behind,” Bongiovanni adds. If you are encouraging your loved one to downsize, you too may experience some intense emotions, including feeling guilty for asking your loved one to do this or because you wish you could do more to help them, she says.
While such intense feelings may be uncomfortable, they shouldn’t deter you from talking to your loved one about downsizing. It is important to have open and honest conversations about these topics.
When initiating a conversation about downsizing, Bongiovanni urges people to be kind, respectful and receptive to their loved one’s emotions. Rather than commanding them to downsize, she recommends having a back-and-forth conversation where you not only share some of your concerns, but also take time to ask about their wants and needs for their housing and possessions.
“Most of all, listen,” Bongiovanni says. “Put yourself in your loved one’s place to better understand the feelings that can come up.”
In addition to approaching conversations with empathy, you’ll want to prepare yourself for an ebb and flow of feelings that may rise and fall while you help your loved one sort through their stuff. Different items may evoke different memories for your loved ones, and some possessions may be harder to let go of than others.
If this becomes true of your experience, Bongiovanni likes to remind people that it’s OK to feel uncomfortable emotions as you go through the downsizing process together.
“It isn’t easy, but your presence makes a huge difference,” she adds. “Be vulnerable, and provide support and hugs as necessary.”
[READ: Taking Over Affairs for an Aging Parent in Mental Decline.]
10 Steps for Downsizing Your Parents’ Home
Downsizing and sorting through all your things will take longer than you expect, so start early. When possible, start months ahead and sort one room or area at a time. That gives you time to think and is less draining than attempting everything all at once.
To stay on track throughout all phases of the task, it can help to follow a structure.
While there’s no one right way to go about downsizing, experts recommend following an order of events, such as:
1. Initiate conversations early
2. Listen to your loved one
3. Get the family involved
4. Start the decluttering process by sifting through clutter
5. Decide what’s most important
6. Sort and categorize
7. Secure important documents
8. Digitize possessions you want to remember
9. Allow time for processing the past
10. Get professional help
1. Initiate conversations early
Bongiovanni recommends talking to your loved one about the prospect of downsizing early on — before it becomes a nonnegotiable. That way, you will feel less rushed to get everything cleaned out right away and can calmly discuss their future needs.
2. Listen to your loved ones
Conversations about downsizing are not a one-way street.
Dr. Michael Wasserman, a geriatrician, and Sheri Wasserman, a daughter, mother and grandmother, are a couple based in Auckland, New Zealand, who both recently helped their parents downsize. Speaking from their experience, they say that unless you are dealing with an emergency scenario, it is important to listen to your loved one’s perspective and respect their decisions on downsizing — whether or not they align with your point of view.
“Don’t tell them what to do,” the Wassermans say. “Respect them as adults and let them make their decisions, whether you agree or not.”
They add not to presume that you know how your loved one feels about the potential of downsizing. Instead, ask and let them tell you.
“Come from a place of curiosity,” the couple recommends. “Listen to their needs, wants and concerns.”
3. Get the family involved
Downsizing can be a big job, but many hands make light work. Having family around can also help ease the emotional stress of jettisoning possessions.
Having conversations about who’s getting what and making decisions early will lighten the burden after you’ve passed. Families can be complicated entities, and it’s not always an easy process to sort out who gets what. If there’s a big potential for difficulties, consider bringing in a mediator to assist with the process.
Talk to family members and friends about items they might value, then consider gifting them with those keepsakes. Knowing a beloved item is going to a good home may help you part with it.
4. Start by sifting through clutter
After you’ve talked with your loved one and decided to begin the downsizing process, you can start decluttering. Bongiovanni says it can be helpful to initiate this by sorting through clutter — or getting rid of things that truly feel worthless and won’t be missed.
“It is easy to toss away the items that don’t have importance as you sift through clutter,” Bongiovanni says.
Toss anything that’s chipped, broken or stained. An exception may be stained but sound clothing, which Goodwill re-processes. Recycling is always admirable but may be overwhelming when divesting of an entire household
5. Decide what’s most important
Just because you’re downsizing and decluttering doesn’t mean you have to get rid of everything. When thinking about what is most important to keep, the Wassermans suggest asking yourself how you would respond in an emergency scenario where you had to quickly evacuate your home. In such a scenario, what would you take with you? Keep those items.
However, while this may seem like a simple formula, the Wassermans add that getting rid of possessions is not easy, and it is normal to second guess yourself.
“Even good choices can be stressful,” the couple says. “Even positive change is stressful.”
Consider carefully what you’ll need in your new space and write it down. Then, as you build your pile of things to keep, check off the items you know you’ll need in your new home. If you can, measure the storage space and rooms in your new place to determine how much you can keep. Consider taping off floor space in the home you’ll be vacating to those specifications to provide a helpful visual while sorting.
In addition, consider the distance and location of where your parents are moving. Whether the senior is staying local or moving to a different state can also change how you determine what to keep and what to part with. For example, a senior who’s moving from Maine to Florida can probably get rid of most of their heavy winter clothes. You may also want to research how expensive it is to move big furniture versus buying new if you’re moving a long way. It might end up being cheaper to buy new furniture rather than paying for it to be moved a long distance.
Similarly, think about the size of the new home. For example, someone moving from a four-bedroom home into a one-bedroom apartment probably doesn’t need more than two or three sets of sheets.
6. Sort and categorize
Create five categories to sort your things into: one pile for keep, one to sell, one to donate, one to give to family members and one to throw away.
This will help keep you on track and moving forward in the downsizing process. And be strict about not creating a “maybe” pile. If you’re not sure about an item, you probably don’t need it. Using boxes or colored sticky notes can help you stay organized while categorizing.
Online selling sites, including Craigslist, eBay, Nextdoor and Facebook can be helpful in finding buyers for possessions you want to sell or give away.
7. Secure important documents
Be mindful not to toss out important documents while decluttering. Pack these in a safe compartment and clearly label them so they are not confused with other items you are letting go of.
Some examples of important documents that you may want to secure include:
— Personal and identification documents, such as birth certificates, Social Security cards, passports and, if relevant, marriage licenses or divorce certificates
— Financial documents, such as bank statements and account records, including retirement account information
— Medical records
— Vehicle title and registration records
— Important insurance documents
— Important tax documents
8. Digitize possessions you want to remember
There will likely be items that your loved one does not want to give away. In some cases, they may be able to keep these. In other cases, there simply may not be room. If you cannot keep an item that is important to your loved one, consider how you might be able to preserve its memory digitally — such as by taking a photograph of it.
You can also scan and digitize important documents for added security.
Consider hiring a company to digitize old photos and important documents you might unexpectedly need later. This can significantly reduce the amount of paper you need to move, plus save a lot of space in the new home. Photos, awards, certificates and other documents that carry some importance but that you don’t need to have on hand in a physical form would be good to digitize.
Experts recommend creating a photo album of items you can’t keep but want to remember. This is particularly useful if you’re a collector of any particular type of item. Keep one or two, and take photos of the rest before passing them on to someone else who can treasure the bulk of the collection.
9. Allow time for processing the past
As more items are uncovered to be (potentially) tossed away, you and your loved one may find yourselves face to face with the past. Allow yourselves grace to look back on old memories and experience the emotions that come with them. While some of these memories may bring up pain or sadness, others may spark joy or even create opportunities for you and your loved one to bond.
“There are moments of joy as cherished belongings and treasures are uncovered during the process,” Bongiovanni says. “There is appreciation of sharing special items with family members and giving these gems new life with people who will love them. And there can be excitement for a new journey, filled with opportunities to socialize and relax in a senior community.”
10. Get professional help
Seniors might prefer to have assistance from someone who helps people downsize all the time. Senior move managers can help with the entire process of downsizing, especially if the senior will be moving into a new home or care community. The National Association of Senior Move Managers helps seniors with the physical logistics and emotional labor of downsizing, guiding them through what could otherwise be an exhausting and stressful process. You can find a senior move manager near you via the NASMM’s online search tool.
Bottom Line
Guide your parents gently. Understand that it will take time to let go. Your parents’ possessions did not appear in one day. Their lifetime of possessions likely hold an endearing emotion or special memory. Encourage them to share stories about some items you find interesting. Let them know what the item means to you. Maybe they’ll give it to you. Loved ones find it easier to part with items they know will be valued.
Depending on how much stuff your parents have and how emotionally tied they are to their things, the process may take weeks, months or even years. While your goal is to eliminate clutter, it’s important to preserve and strengthen your relationship with your parents. If you don’t have the time or patience, find someone who does — be it a sibling or a professional.
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How to Help Your Elderly Parents Declutter and Downsize originally appeared on usnews.com
