Although attending life celebrations and marking milestones for loved ones and friends is certainly a wonderful and memorable experience, the reality of paying to attend these social functions can be daunting.
If your financial situation doesn’t include that kind of discretionary spending, you must decline the offer with decorum.
Here’s some expert advice on how to send your regrets so you can stay out of debt.
Decide What’s Best for You and Yours
Social invites include joyous occasions like weddings, sweet 16 parties, anniversary celebrations, retirement parties, bar and bat mitzvah celebrations and special birthday parties.
Although it can be uncomfortable to turn down a heartfelt invite to share a momentous occasion with someone special, it’s more important to decide what’s best for yourself, your family situation and your budget, Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert with the Protocol School of Texas, said in an email.
[Read: How to Make a Budget — and Stick to It.]
“Reasons to decline a social event invitation include your finances, ability or inability to take time off from your job and costs associated with the wedding, such as travel, lodging and other miscellaneous expenses,” Gottsman said.
Break Down the Costs
First, consider how much your attendance will cost.
“Travel, hotel, food and gifts are a good place to start,” Michael Liersch, head of advice and planning at Wells Fargo, said in an email.
“Plus, hotel rooms and plane tickets can cost thousands of dollars, especially if the invitation includes a ‘+1’ or your immediate family,” he said.
Once you’ve determined all the costs involved in attending, add them up, then make a decision.
Answer the Question: Can I Afford It?
Only you know for sure if you can afford to go, so be honest as you contemplate the decision.
“Think about your future self: If you can’t afford it, will you be better or worse off (financially) if you go?” Liersch said. He said if the answer is “worse off,” consider RSVP’ing “no” as soon as you’re able to give the host ample time to plan.
[Wants vs. Needs In Your Budget — How to Tell the Difference]
The important lesson here is that your financial stability should be your priority. If you have to run up your credit card or use your rent money to attend an event, then you shouldn’t go, according to Blanca Cobb, a communications analyst.
“You’ll be paying off the good time at the, say, wedding, long after your friends return from their honeymoon,” Cobb said in an email.
“Plus, you could also cut into your ability to use your credit card for any emergencies that may come up. If you dip into the cash for your living expenses, then you’ll create a firestorm for yourself when you can’t pay your monthly bills,” she added.
How to Decline Gracefully
When declining an invitation, Gottsman recommended doing so promptly.
She said you can say something such as, “I appreciate the invitation and unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend, but I will be thinking of you.” Or, send good tidings such as “I’m so happy for both of you, but unfortunately I have a conflict.”
According to Gottsman, it’s not necessary to go into detail unless it’s a close family member and they’re asking.
Liersch said often people wait to say no.
“There’s a temptation to push it off — especially if you feel like you’ll be judged or embarrassed — but implying you might come or being nonresponsive can make a straightforward, honest decline more emotionally charged,” he said.
Be Prepared to Face Possible Pushback
Unfortunately, you may get some negative feedback.
“Most people will understand and if you are doing what is best for yourself and your own situation, you can feel assured that you made the right decision regardless of the pushback,” Gottsman said. “Friends and family will understand and not hold it against you.”
If turning down the invite breaks up the friendship, it’s a telltale sign of how things would go if there was another type of conflict in the future, she said.
Send a Gift
It can be a nice gesture to send a gift in lieu of your attendance. When deciding what type of gift to send, Gottsman said this depends on the relationship you have with the people hosting the event.
“If it’s a wedding, sending a gift from the registry is optimum because you’re giving them specifically what they request” and there are typically a lot of price points to choose from, she said.
[Read: The New Wedding Registries: What Newlyweds Want Now]
But if you prefer to send money, she suggested sending a check in a nice card with your sincere congratulations.
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Liersch said to avoid judging yourself or being hard on yourself when it comes to making decisions around whether to spend money on attending other people’s events or not.
It’s not a crime to say no to an invitation when it doesn’t fit in your schedule or budget. “Good friends and family will understand because they have the same decisions to make when it comes to invitations and their own personal obligations,” Gottsman said.
“The bottom line is that it’s your life, and if living it in a more intentional, financially sustainable way would make your life better, then embrace that,” Gottsman added.
More from U.S. News
How Much Money Should You Give for a Wedding Gift?
Costs to Consider When Adopting a Pet
Money Habits to Start Right Now
Money Manners: How to Say No to Pricey Social Events originally appeared on usnews.com
