When an older loved one begins having difficulty completing the tasks of daily living — laundry, driving, shopping, managing a household and just plain looking after themselves — it’s time to talk about what happens next.
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But these conversations can be awkward and uncomfortable. It’s not uncommon for older adults to balk when a loved one broaches the topic of moving into a senior living residence. Being faced with one’s own mortality can lead to fear and denial.
“For someone experiencing physical or cognitive decline, it’s difficult to accept that we can’t do some of the things we used to do and took for granted,” says John Mastronardi, executive director at The Nathaniel Witherell, a short-term rehabilitation and skilled nursing facility in Greenwich, Connecticut.
These conversations, however, are important, and the following suggestions may make having it a bit easier.
Talk to Your Siblings First
If you have siblings, be sure you all agree that it’s time to have the senior care
discussion. Settle any disagreements among yourselves before you talk to your loved one. Presenting a united front is important when approaching a loved one about moving into senior care.
If you can’t agree, consider contacting a social worker or elder care specialist to help you resolve your issues. Sometimes, an outside perspective from someone who’s worked with others dealing with the same issues can help you find the best way forward.
[READ: How to Coordinate a Parent’s Care With Siblings.]
Know the Various Senior Living Options
There are so many different senior living options available, it’s important to have an understanding of what they are before you approach your loved one. Types of communities include:
— Continuing care retirement communities (CCRC)
Early on, your loved one may need minimal assistance, and hiring a part-time home health aide might be enough to keep them healthy and safe for a while. However, your loved one’s needs may change over time, and eventually, they may need to physically move into another facility, such as a nursing home or memory care facility.
To prepare for the conversation with your parent, research what senior living options are nearby. Search online and gather brochures or other marketing materials from places that look promising to show your loved one. Give them a chance to consider these options, and ask whether any of them look appealing and worth touring.
[READ What Are the Levels of Senior Living?]
Have the Talk Sooner Rather Than Later
Don’t wait for a medical or other emergency to force you to address the issue. It’s much harder to make good decisions in a moment of crisis. Procrastination is not helpful because you never know when an aging loved one may need help.
And when you do start talking about senior care, make sure your loved one knows you’re not blaming them or passing judgment.
“Take an ‘us’ point of view. We are in this together,” advises Maria Hood, director of admissions at United Hebrew of New Rochelle, a continuing care campus in Westchester County, New York. “We are a family. You raised me, now it’s my turn to help you.”
[READ: What Is Assisted Living: Services, Levels of Care and Costs]
Ask About Your Loved One’s Financial Situation
It’s never easy to talk about money, but it’s important to gain a solid understanding of your loved one’s financial situation when broaching the topic of moving into senior care. How much they’ve saved will have an enormous impact on what your next step will look like.
“Home health care, long-term care and related expenses are typically the largest costs people experience — especially toward the end of their life,” says Tyler End, CEO and co-founder of Retirable, a retirement advisory company based in New York City.
Ask how much they’ve put away and whether they have long-term care insurance or other financial assets that can help pay for their preferred senior care option. However, be prepared that your loved one’s financial footing might be precarious, and consider how you’ll help them navigate finding an affordable senior living option.
“Too many seniors assume Medicare will cover all their long-term care needs if and when the time comes, but unfortunately this just isn’t the case,” explains Whitney Stidom, vice president of sales and operations with eHealth, Inc., a health insurance broker and online resource provider headquartered in Santa Clara, California.
Medicare covers medically necessary services, such as hospital stays, doctor visits and certain skilled nursing care, but only for a limited period of time and under specific conditions. This means that most costs associated with long-term care are not covered by Medicare.
Focus on the Positives
Highlight the positives of a potential move to senior living rather than focusing on any negatives.
“Don’t make the conversation about their limitations,” Mastronardi says. “That will only remind someone they were once vital and energetic.”
For many people, it can be difficult to come to terms with that loss of independence. But you can soften the blow by making “the conversation about possibilities and supportiveness,” Mastronardi adds.
In other words, don’t stress what your loved one can’t do anymore: “Mom, you shouldn’t drive.” “Dad, you can’t climb a ladder anymore.”
Instead, present senior living as something that makes their life better. For example, they’ll no longer have to shovel snow or make their own meals when they don’t feel like cooking. There will be opportunities to socialize with other people who are at a similar stage in life.
If they object, be understanding. Remember, no one enjoys admitting to limitations.
“It’s important for people to retain autonomy. They have the right to say no,” Hood says.
Ask Your Loved One What Kind of Help They Could Use
One way to approach the conversation that may recruit more buy-in is to tell your loved one you’ve noticed they seem to be having a harder time taking care of things and you want to help.
“Then ask them, how do they see themselves needing help,” Mastronardi says. “Ask, ‘If you had a wish list, what kind of help would you like?'”
Maybe it’s getting groceries delivered, or maybe they would like somebody to remind them to take medications.
“You open possibilities that this might be helpful to them, and you empower them to be a partner in their own care, that they still have some independence and control over it, which they do,” Mastronardi says.
Work with your loved one to determine exactly what kind of help they want and what setting would meet their needs.
Ask the Experts for Help
Recruiting an expert to help you learn what’s out there and how to talk to your loved one can be super helpful.
“When a family member calls me and says, ‘I don’t know anything,’ I say, ‘Of course you don’t. That’s OK. That’s what I’m here for,” Hood says, adding, “This way, you are not doing it alone. You have experts supporting you through this process.”
Among the resources you can tap are:
— Local elder care facilities
— National aging organizations, such as the National Council on Aging
— Your loved one’s physicians
Be Prepared for Ongoing Talks
If your loved one isn’t ready to face the need for more care, don’t push it. Suggest that you revisit the topic on a regular basis — say, every few months — just to check in with them and see if their views have changed.
“Approach your loved one with respect, and if the person is not ready, you have to back it off,” Hood says. “Chances are, this won’t be one conversation. It will be several over time. And that’s OK.”
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Having the Conversation With a Loved One About Senior Living originally appeared on usnews.com
Update 05/22/24: This story was previously published at an earlier date and has been updated with new information.
