Being a good parent is, of course, what every parent would like to be. But defining what it means to be a good parent is undoubtedly very tricky, particularly since children respond differently to the same style of parenting. A calm, rule-following child might respond better to a different sort of parenting than, for example, a younger sibling.
Fortunately, there’s another sort of parent that’s a bit easier to describe: a patient parent. Children of every age benefit from patient parenting. Still, while every parent would like to be patient, this is no easy task. Sometimes parents get exhausted and frustrated and are unable to maintain a tolerant and composed style with their kids. I understand this.
You’re only human, and sometimes your kids can push you just a little too far. And then the inevitable happens: You lose your patience and either scream at your kids or say something that was a bit too harsh and does nobody any good. You wish that you could turn back the clock and start over. We’ve all been there.
[Read: How Parental Stress Negatively Affects Kids.]
However, even though it’s common, it’s important to keep in mind that in a single moment of fatigue, you can say something to your child that you may regret for a long time. This may not only do damage to your relationship with your child but also affect your child’s self-esteem.
If you consistently lose your cool with your kids, then you are inadvertently modeling a lack of emotional control for your kids. We are all becoming increasingly aware of the importance of modeling tolerance and patience for the younger generation. This is a skill that will help them all throughout life. In fact, the ability to emotionally regulate or maintain emotional control when confronted by stress is one of the most important of all life’s skills.
You may be reading this and feeling terribly guilty. Perhaps your teenager got under your skin by asking you the same question multiple times. Teens are very good at pushing parents to their limits. You tried to stay calm, but after your teen asked you to go to one more sleepover for the fifth or sixth time, you lost your patience. You screamed at your daughter and told her just how annoying she is.
This resulted in slammed doors and two days of silent treatment. Or maybe your young child had a tantrum, your head started pounding, and you threatened a consequence that left your child in tears and you with the knowledge that you couldn’t follow through on this threat because it was just too unreasonable.
Certainly, it’s incredibly hard to maintain patience at all times with your children. A more practical goal is to try, to the best of your ability, to be as tolerant and composed as you can when faced with trying situations involving your children. I can promise you this: As a result of working toward this goal, you and your children will benefit and emerge from stressful moments feeling better physically and emotionally.
[Read: Social-Emotional Learning: a New Dimension of Education.]
So what, you ask, are the skills to become a more patient parent? There are many ways to work toward this, but keep in mind that you will not become more patient overnight. Here are five things I’d recommend doing:
1. Practice self-care. Take good care of yourself. You will be better equipped to be patient if you feel good. This means getting enough rest and eating well. Exercise will also help you feel better. And, you will be an even better role model to your children if you practice self-care.
2. Always keep your expectations of your kids reasonable. Think about what they’re developmentally capable of — and what they’re not yet able to do. Just as a 5-year-old can’t be expected to remain silent for hours, you can’t expect a teenager to engage in conversation with you for an extended period of time. If your expectations are age-appropriate, you will be less likely to be disappointed in your kids.
3. Don’t react on impulse. Try very hard not to react immediately to your child’s demand, behavior or lack of action. Take a deep breath, or try counting to 10. Just allowing a little extra time before you respond can be enough to catch your breath and maintain control of your reaction.
4. Ask for an assist. If you feel like you’re unable to control yourself or at the end of your rope, consider asking your partner or another family member to step in. Remember that it does indeed take a village to raise a child well.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
5. Say you’re sorry if you lose your cool. If you lose your patience, you can always apologize after the situation has calmed down. Kids, just like adults, benefit from the discussion of reactions gone awry.
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How Can I Become a More Patient Parent? originally appeared on usnews.com
