Divorce filings peak in March and August, according to University of Washington research. But online searches for “divorce” surge earlier in the year. Caregivers are particularly susceptible, with 80 percent reporting strain on their relationships. Estimates of the divorce rate for couples in which one spouse has a serious chronic illness are as high as 75 percent.
So can caregivers maintain healthy relationships with their spouses? Yes, with these strategies.
Two Types of Caregivers
First, you have to understand that there are two types of caregiving scenarios taking place. In one scenario, a husband and wife might be taking care of a parent, and the relationship between them could suffer. In the second scenario, a spouse could be caring for the other spouse, who has a chronic condition or dementia. Each situation has unique issues.
In the first, one spouse may be caring for her mom and, in turn, it’s only natural that the time she’s able to spend with her family and spouse will suffer. Coming from a Catholic background, I know all about guilt, and that plays a part as you struggle with whether or not you’re doing enough for your mom or dad.
While some who provide care to their spouses feel the experience strengthens the bond between them, the caregiver can still feel stress and resentment, especially if he or she feels like their relationship has become one-sided. The spouse receiving care may worry that they’re becoming a burden. Physical and emotional intimacy may suffer.
[See: How Music Helps People With Alzheimer’s Disease.]
It Takes a Team When Caregiving for an Older Relative
They say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to relationships, the bonds between husband and wife are paramount.
You can never be too busy not to sit down and communicate with one another. Take the time to talk to your spouse, whether it’s about the caregiving or more mundane matters.
Kim Andreaus, the aging and eldercare program manager for SAS Work/Life, urges people to keep the romance alive. “Try to find small, regular moments for you and your partner to connect. This can be making time for morning coffee together, a special show that you make time to watch or an evening walk with the dog.”
Adopt a team mindset. When I was caring for my mom and my wife, Kathy, was caring for hers, we each saddled more of the burden in our respective situations. But we also helped each other. If I was busy, she would visit mom. And when she went to Philly to help her mom, many times I went along.
Of course, you need to find humor in the situation at hand. That was never in short supply as we cared for my mom and watched her interact at her senior living home.
Finally, get help if the burden is too big.
[See: 14 Ways Caregivers Can Care for Themselves.]
Readjusting Expectations When One Spouse is Caring for the Other
According to Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, family therapist and co-author of the book AARP Meditations for Caregivers, “Ill spouses should continue to try to do whatever they are capable of — simple chores, listening well, giving thanks. Well spouses should refrain from hogging the glory by taking over all responsibilities and disempowering the ill spouses.”
Maintain social networks. My wife and I are already setting a precedent: She has many groups and charities she is involved separate from the ones I am involved with. And while we have many mutual friends, we also have our separate social circles, and these are invaluable — especially when we need to lean on others for support.
Realize relationships change, and consider whether you can adapt. I know people who are divorced but when the former spouse later became ill, the other stepped in to care. We have seen dementia patients form relationships in senior living with others, unaware of who their husband or wife is. We saw that with Chief Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, for example, who valiantly stood by and accepted the relationship her husband had. Likewise, in some marriages we’ve seen the ill spouse support the other in pursuing relationships. It’s not for everyone.
Seek Out Resources
In terms of just easing the burden, caregivers need to enlist family members to help and pay for help as needed.
In terms of relationships, certainly there are professional resources to help, such as a marriage counselor or pastor.
Companies are starting to step up to offer complete caregiver solutions beyond leave. Some have caregiving advocates who work directly with a person. They’re starting to provide fraud monitoring and resolution, Medicare assistance and estate planning. All of these things help ease the caregiver burden and help preserve and strengthen relationships.
[See: 9 Habits That May Reduce Your Risk of Developing Alzheimer’s.]
While relationships can become strained in caregiving situations, knowing the land minds before a crisis occurs can help things from blowing up later.
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How Can Caregivers Maintain Their Relationships? originally appeared on usnews.com
