It was an image ready-made for controversy: The pale-skinned high school boy in a red Make America Great Again hat, seemingly staring down a Native American elder. At the foot of the Lincoln Memorial, no less.
Almost immediately, the boy at the center of the photo, Nick Sandmann, and his classmates from Covington Catholic High School were publicly pilloried for their behavior toward Nathan Phillips, a member of the Omaha tribe. The students’ chants, tomahawk chops and overall rowdiness were interpreted as disrespectful and racist. Countless people called Sandmann’s pressed-lips expression a “smirk,” with writer Ruth Graham describing it in Slate as “the face of self-satisfaction and certitude, of edginess expressed as cruelty … both punchable and untouchable.” Graham and many, many others, both online and in private conversations, conflated Sandmann’s face with that of Nazis, of Klansmen, of proven and accused sexual harassers and assailants, including current Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
I get it: In today’s climate — one that has shown many of us that we have tolerated racism and sexism and other forms of hate and inequality for far too long — many of us now have a hair-trigger. None of us wants to ignore evil in our midst. We now know that “boys will be boys” is not an acceptable excuse for anything. But as a parent, I beg you: Let’s stop assuming the worst about boys. Even boys in MAGA hats.
In preschool and on playgrounds, boys are often assumed to be the aggressors, the ones at fault if someone is bullied or injured. In classrooms, boys — and statistics — tell us that teachers often overlook girls’ misbehavior but come down hard when the boys engage in similar behavior.
[Read: Parents Talk About Race in Different Ways.]
A 2018 research article, ” The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom,” by University of Illinois professor Lynn Barnett revealed that teachers’ attitudes negatively affect boys’ classroom achievement and self-image. Playful kindergarten boys are frequently regarded by their teachers as rebellious and intrusive, Barnett found, and by third grade, both the boys themselves and their classmates had assimilated their teachers’ negative perceptions. Thanks in part to negative assumptions and expectations, boys today are far more likely than girls to be suspended and expelled from school, and far less likely to enroll in or graduate from college.
According to the American Psychological Association, black boys are often assumed to be 4 to 5 years older than their chronological age and less innocent than white boys of the same age — an unfortunate assumption that some believe contributed to the 2014 death of Tamir Rice, a 12-year-old who was shot on a Cleveland playground by a police officer, and the deaths of countless other black boys.
Quick and unconscious assumptions are dangerous, for all of us. Humans tend to live up to expectations, and some boys internalize the negative messages that surround them. Some withdraw from larger society, finding solace online. Some join terrorist organizations. Some shoot up schools. Some suffer silently.
As a parent of four boys, I’ve learned to offer my boys — and all boys — the benefit of doubt. Instead of assuming the worst in any given situation, I pause. I listen to my boys’ side of the story before jumping to conclusions, and I seek out additional information. My children are male, and their gender has historically been associated with violent, oppressive behavior. But that fact doesn’t tell me anything about my boys’ current behavior.
Many people who saw footage of the now viral incident in Washington, D.C. jumped to conclusions based on the boys’ MAGA hats and early news stories which claimed the boys were “taunting” indigenous people. The fact that the boys are students at an all-boys Catholic school further inflamed public opinion. After all, didn’t Brett Kavanaugh attend an all-boys school? Isn’t the Catholic Church a corrupt institution that protects known child molesters?
[Read: Child Sexual Abuse: When Trust Gets Shattered.]
Kavanaugh did attend an all-boys school, and yes, the Catholic Church does have a troublesome history and continues to grapple with sexual misconduct. But those facts tell you nothing about the boy in front of the native elder.
Where so many saw a smirk, I saw a relatively neutral expression, one that could indicate discomfort or even an interest in the drummer that he doesn’t quite know how to express. I’ve spent enough time around teenage boys to know that their facial expressions and body language don’t always convey their internal feelings. Teenage boys, in fact, are frequently confused and often don’t know exactly what they’re feeling or how to react. Sometimes, they laugh because they are uncomfortable.
Few people extend teenage boys grace, however. Collectively, we filter our perceptions of their behavior through our knowledge of the misdeeds of the men who came before them. We’re inclined to view them as the bad guys. This haste to assume the worst of boys and men, by the way, is why some people are upset about the now infamous Gillette ad, The Best Men Can Be. Two boys wrestling in the grass, as portrayed in the ad, could be an act of aggression, or it could be play. We can’t tell without context.
In my opinion, the longer, nearly two-hour video of the D.C. encounter adds important details. A third group, since identified as Black Hebrew Israelites, hurled hateful words at the boys and the indigenous people in the area. The boys gathered in number. They began chanting loudly in an attempt, they said, to drown out the other group’s words. At one point, a high school boy near the front pulled off his T-shirt and his classmates cheered wildly. When Nathan Phillips approached with his drum, the boys continued chanting.
It was not an eloquent display. It was, however, wholly in line with typical teenage boy behavior. When threatened, they gather in a group. Like birds puffing up their plumage before an encounter with a rival, they try to make themselves seem larger and more fierce. They jostle and play, rather than admitting to discomfort. As a group, they push things further than any would alone.
[Read: 5 Ways to Help Boys Make Good Choices.]
The situation certainly calls for continued discussion. But publicly crucifying boys with still-developing brains does not help. Let’s stop assuming the worst about boys based on their gender, clothing or skin color — or even, frankly, immature behavior. Let’s instead offer our boys compassion and grace as we guide them to full maturity.
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Don’t Assume the Worst About Boys originally appeared on usnews.com
