It’s a story I hear from parents at nearly every workshop.
In past school years, you and the other parents happily traded off hosting your child and a group of friends. Never knowing how many kids might be coming home with you, it was always a good idea to bring extra snacks to school pickup. But more recently there’s been a quieting of the play date requests. You tried to organize a few get-togethers, but everyone’s busy schedules conflicted, and now that the kids are older, they prefer to arrange their own social plans.
The once subtle changes are now happening faster and faster, growing louder and clearer with every shut door, every whispered conversation and every sleepover that does not include your child. You’re concerned that your child is being excluded from the friend group. And you wonder what this means for your own longstanding friendships with the parents of the other kids as well. You like hanging out with their parents.
In neighborhoods around the country, I see this dilemma play out over and over again. I see how these painful situations deteriorate further when kids document every moment of their social lives on Instagram and Snapchat. The emotions of the parents rise and fall in sync with the highs and lows of their children.
So what do you do as a parent? First, you need to assess whether your child is being left out as part of a natural social shift or whether she is being aggressively ostracized and bullied.
[Read: 5 Ways to Help Teens Set Boundaries With Friends.]
A Natural Social Shift Without Bullying
A natural social shift occurs when the other children have merely lost interest in hanging out with your child, but they still remain respectful toward her. Although they politely decline her invitations to get together and stop seeking her out for social events, they do acknowledge her instead of pretending she doesn’t exist. They work with her during interactions at school, and they are careful not to talk in front of her about plans that don’t include her.
In a natural shift without bullying, there can still be an immense amount of social pain for your child (and you). But your best bet is to hang back and let it play out. Reassure your child that she did nothing wrong and that her best option is to seek out some new or different friends, even though it might feel scary at first. No matter how hard we try, we can’t force other people to want to hang out with someone, and trying to join a group that has other plans can make the situation worse.
Here’s what I’d suggest doing instead:
— Advise your child not to seek revenge or lash out at former close friends in person or online. This is an impulsive response to hurt feelings that will backfire. At best, it limits opportunities for the kids to rekindle their friendship down the road, should that happen organically. At worst, it can shift the dynamics into bullying behaviors on both sides.
— Acknowledge with the other parents what is happening, and express your genuine interest in maintaining your own adult friendships, even if the children are growing apart. This can work successfully as long as the other kids remain respectful to your child.
[Read: 3 Ways to Help a Child Cope With Being Dumped by a Friend.]
Aggressive Exclusion With Bullying
If the other kids are repeatedly going out of their way to harm your child, this crosses the line into bullying. Some of these unacceptable behaviors include whispering and giggling about your child in his presence; telling other kids not to be friends with your child; starting rumors in person or online about your child; writing cruel comments on his social media posts; and physical aggression toward your child.
If you observe this type of bullying behavior, you need to take steps to address it and get the school involved. The school should focus on taking restorative steps only, because punishing the kids could lead them to retaliate against your child. The most promising actions include:
— Empathy training for the aggressors
— Restorative circle or conference with trained facilitators (only to be used if or when everyone is ready and prepared)
— Small group discussions with a social worker
— Clear communication by the school of which behaviors are not acceptable
— Social-emotional skills lessons for everyone
Should you call the other parents? The truth is, as children get older, it is difficult to achieve a good outcome by calling another parent. Whereas younger children can be very responsive to adult intervention, tweens and adolescents chafe at being told how to behave. Sometimes, however, the bullying behaviors are so egregious that you need to contact parents. At best, the bullying may stop, but it is unlikely that the aggressive kids will suddenly welcome your child back into the group.
If you need to have a frank discussion with an adult friend about what is happening with the kids, avoid labeling their child a “bully” or a “mean girl.” Instead, use nonjudgmental language to describe the specific behaviors that are occurring and explain how they are affecting your child, and simply ask for support in getting the behaviors to stop. If your adult friend is receptive and empathetic, this maximizes your chance of maintaining your friendship with that parent as you try to improve the situation for your child. However, if your adult friend is continually dismissive of your concerns, it is unlikely that your intimate friendship can survive. To be honest, that may not be the friend that is best for you either.
[Read: Talking to Kids About the Tricky Trait of Loyalty.]
When our children are toddlers, we have a great deal of control over their friendships, because we simply organize play dates with other parents whose company we enjoy. As the kids grow older and move in their own directions, we have to make adjustments. This can be as challenging for the parents as it is for the kids. Be gentle with yourself and with your child as you navigate this new territory together. Above all, let your home be a safe space where your family can enjoy spending time together, free from the social pressures of the outside world.
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What to Do When Your Friends’ Kids Drop Your Child From Their Group originally appeared on usnews.com
