As a parent, it’s hard to get through a day of witnessing your child’s behavior without wondering, at least once, “Is this normal?” Then comes adolescence, and you find yourself asking that question even more frequently.
Adolescence is characterized by strong emotions, a need for independence, and some natural, expectable anxieties in regards to new social complexities, academic demands and family changes. “Teen angst” has taken on a larger meaning of irritability, moodiness and pessimism in teens, though the word angst actually has its roots in anxiety.
So how do you know when what seems, at first glance, like typical teen angst may actually be an indication of anxiety or depression? While there isn’t a clear-cut line, it’s important to heed certain signs and symptoms to you respond appropriately to your teen’s behavior.
[Read: Teen Hormones or Mental Health Illness? What Parents Need to Know.]
Symptoms of Anxiety and Depression
Depression is characterized by low mood most of the day every day, low energy, low motivation, increased or decreased sleep and appetite, guilty and self-critical thoughts, and at times, thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Angry outbursts can emerge, along with defiance or alcohol or drug use. This can be tricky to identify in teens, since some adolescents can continue functioning academically or brighten up while around peers despite the fact that they are very down inside.
Anxiety can also manifest in irritability. Teens may try to avoid things like socializing or school as well. You will hear a lot of excuses from an anxious child for not going to school, doing homework, going to birthday parties and attending after-school activities. Anxiety is often expressed by a lot of physical complaints. Stomachaches and headaches are common in anxious people; once medical causes are excluded by your pediatrician, consider anxiety as the culprit.
With anxiety or depression, it’s important to consider the degree, duration and dysfunction. Look for a lack of enjoyment. Look for withdrawal from family and peers. Look for poor sleep and long naps, and lots of time binge-watching TV series in a dark room and other increases in screen time. Look for your child “closing you off.”
The good news is, as a parent — whether you realize it or not — you have a lot of tools at your disposal to help your child through these challenging times. Here’s what you can do:
Stick around. The teen who seems to ignore you while interacting with peers day and night and who is busy with her own activities actually needs you around. Many parents interpret this independence as a signal they aren’t needed. Actually, my advice is to be home a lot and plan to be ignored, but keep your finger on the pulse of your child’s mental health and behavior. When called on, listen and be supportive. Be there to encourage healthy habits and enforce your rules around technology and curfews. Your teen may rail against these, but at the same time feel relieved the limits are set and held. (Don’t expect acknowledgment or gratitude for your rules, of course.)
Listen thoughtfully. If you want to get your teen to talk to you, be strategic. Don’t lecture, listen. If your child starts to share with you, don’t jump to give advice — keep a calm, cool demeanor. Mostly you should just nod and acknowledge what your child is saying. Ask your teen, “What do you think you should do?” For sensitive talks, bring in the parent or adult the child typically confides in.
[Read: 6 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Anything at All.]
Be present and fully engaged. First, put your phone down! Whenever your child is around, try to put aside that device. Be around at bedtime, while your teen is watching TV, or find an excuse to ride in the car together. Many times teens will absent-mindedly start to talk to a parent at these times. Use these opportunities to get to know what is on your child’s mind and help distinguish between angst versus something potentially more serious.
Talk to your child. If you’re concerned that your child may be experiencing anxiety or depression, explain your observations and your concerns, taking a non-judgmental, supportive tone.
See your child’s doctor. In addition to talking with your teen, make an appointment with your child’s pediatrician. Let the pediatrician know in advance what the visit is about — concern that your child may be dealing with depression, anxiety or both. Then, let your teen go into the office with the pediatrician alone, and first, before you. This indicates it’s the teen’s space. The pediatrician can screen or assess the child for mental health concerns.
Always take action if your child asks for therapy. Interestingly, I find that teens often ask their parents numerous times to see a therapist, indicating they know what they need, before parents take action. Don’t ever ignore a request by your teen to see a therapist. You don’t know what could be behind this request. If the waitlist is long or you can’t afford it, reach out to the school counselor to schedule sessions and the pediatrician for more options.
Ask about suicide and self-harm. It’s absolutely OK for a parent or a professional to ask a child if he or she is having thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Studies confirm that asking does not encourage suicide or self-harm, and that actually in many cases before an attempt, kids have told someone that they’ve had thoughts of suicide. In a calm voice ask, for example, “Does it get so bad that you want to disappear or want it to end?” or “Do you think about suicide sometimes?” or “Have you ever tried hurting yourself?” I know it’s difficult to imagine having this conversation with your child, yet it’s necessary.
[See: What to Do If Your Child Expresses Suicidal Thoughts.]
The teen years are exciting — a time of learning about your child’s independent mind and watching your child grow. Yes, you will have challenges. You will have to parent with your eyes and ears — and your intuition. Trust yourself to know that your child is “off” and get a second opinion if you find yourself asking whether you are observing normal teen mood shifts or something more serious. You are an expert when it comes to your child.
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How Do I Know If My Adolescent Child Has ‘Teen Angst’ or Depression? originally appeared on usnews.com
