As the summer season approaches, kids are more likely to have opportunities to spend some nights, and even perhaps longer periods, away from home. Sleepover parties, overnights at Grandma’s house, sleepaway summer camp, road trips — these ventures can vary in length from one day to several weeks or even a couple of months. While these rites of passage are often a lot of fun for kids, many experience homesickness.
My daughter was especially nervous for an impending first-time overnight at her day camp last summer. She wanted to go but she was scared. Often, when kids are going to sleep away from home for the first time, anxiety becomes a byproduct of the imminent unknown. Questions loom. Parents, too, may worry about whether or not a child is ready.
So what can we do to help alleviate this impending homesickness? Here are a few steps I’d suggest taking:
1. Check yourself. It’s normal for parents to be nervous and to absorb some of our children’s apprehension when they are sleeping away from home for the first time. This is your baby we are talking about! If this happens to you, do your best to keep your worries out of the discussion with your child. Instead, talk to your friends, your therapist, your partner or even your dog about it. If you talk to your child about it, his or her concerns may grow and include worrying about you worrying about him or her!
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
2. Put a label on it. Some parents might be reluctant to talk about anticipated homesickness head-on as they fear that merely by bringing it up, they might cause it to happen. This concern, while normal, is unfounded. Just like talking to kids about drugs or sex does not make it more likely for your children to engage in these (in fact, research suggests the opposite effect), talking about homesickness and labeling that feeling of missing home simply gives children a language to talk about their emotions. When we help kids talk out their feelings, it can help them cope in healthy ways.
3. Get their questions answered. With my own daughter, I wanted to help her dissect the insecurities at the root of her expectation that she’d be homesick. Of course she was afraid that she would miss me — but there was much more than that happening in her little head. I asked her to sit down, on her own, and write down the questions she needed answered in order to feel “less scared and more calm.” Unprompted, she wrote down questions like, “What if I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?” or “What if I can’t sleep?” The next day, when she went to camp, she got all of her questions answered and was much more prepared for her overnight.
4. Make the unfamiliar familiar. When I present to parents who are sending their kids away for the first time, I lay out what is often the crux of anticipated homesickness or worry: fear of the unknown. To get ahead of this, as much as possible, try to familiarize your child with who they’ll be spending their time with and where they’re going. For, say, a sleepaway camp, if you have the opportunity to visit the new place, walk the grounds, visit the buildings and even participate in activities before the actual send-off, it can alleviate some nervousness. Meet up with more experienced campers or travelers who have already done this before so older-to-younger peer mentoring can occur. If none of these face-to-face options are possible, watch videos, Facetime or show photos to your child so that he or she feels more comfortable.
[Read: 9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids.]
5. Don’t forget the deep-seeded concerns. Sometimes, “I don’t want to go because I’ll miss you” is actually code for more specific worries like, “I’m afraid I won’t like the food” or “What happens if I wet the bed?” If your child only likes dino-nuggets or often has nighttime accidents, talk to the camp, program or a friend’s parent about it in advance. Come up with a team plan that helps your child to feel appropriately challenged without making it so uncomfortable that the child gives up before starting. For example, one of the overnight summer camps that I consult for has a protocol set up for when a child wets the bed that includes an established private code word, an empathetic counselor and stealthy laundry services. It’s also important to underscore that your child is likely not the first, only or last child to have these concerns.
6. Practice. The key is to start to chip away at the concerns through experience. Experience is the foundation of competence and competence is the foundation of confidence. There is no way around it. So if your child is going to do a sleepover at her bestie’s house, have her do a “sleep-under” first where she joins the other family for dinner, a movie in her pajamas, games and starts the bedtime routine — and then gets picked up right before bed. If your child is going away to summer camp, have him sleep over at Grammie’s or his friend’s house to get a feel for what it’s like to be away from home. Practice won’t make perfect — as perfect doesn’t exist — but it will help to make your child feel more comfortable.
7. Believe in your child. I know it can be hard on parents when their children take the leap and sleep away from home for the first time — particularly when they are going to be away for an extended period. But it’s right before these challenges, when children are the most anxious about leaving home, that they need us to be their rock. On my most recent “How to Talk to Kids about Anything” podcast and webinar, in which I highlight this very topic, I provided this script for what parents can say to their kids: “I believe in you. And even when you are scared, nervous or unsure, I want you to know that I have so much confidence in your ability to take on this challenge. During the moments when you feel worried, borrow my belief in you as I have more than enough to spare.”
[See: Sneaky Signs of Childhood Anxiety.]
Perhaps it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway: It is normal to be anxious about sleeping away from home for the first time. I know it may be tempting to tell your child, “If you feel homesick, I’ll just pick you up and we’ll go home,” but I would caution against it. When we say these words, it tells our children, “I don’t really think you can do it” and “uncomfortable feelings that come with being challenged should be shouldered by me rather than conquered by you.” Of course, in extreme cases, you may need to pick your child up (you know your child best). But I would encourage everyone involved to assume all will go well even if there are some bumps in the road.
More from U.S. News
10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health
12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner
10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child
7 Ways to Help Kids Cope With Anticipated Homesickness originally appeared on usnews.com
