When I tell people that we have an open adoption with my daughter’s biological family, they tend to widen their eyes. Sometimes people ask in a hesitant voice, “So, does she know who her real mom is?” There is so much to unpack in that one question! I usually smile and start with, “Well, I am her mom, and I’m definitely real. And she does also know ‘M,’ her biological mother.” It’s understandable that people are curious. After all, the definition of practicing an open adoption has as many interpretations as there are adoptive families.
Just as every parent-child relationship is unique, so too is every open adoption. Open adoption may describe an arrangement as simple as an adoptive family sending annual photos and a letter to the biological family, or it might refer to an adoptive family that gets together every week for a raucous Sunday dinner with their child’s biological family. The vast array of interpretations is exactly what makes open adoption so difficult — and so hopeful.
What is sure to be constant is that the definition of an open adoption will change within each family as time goes by. I remember my skittishness and insecurity when our daughter was a baby. She spent her early months in foster care in another state before coming home with us, and she was understandably fussy as she transitioned into life with a new family. In the beginning, if M called and our baby girl happened to be crying when the phone rang, I would thrust the baby at my husband and beg him to carry her outside while I spoke on the phone. I was terrified that her biological mother would hear her crying and think we were doing something wrong, that we weren’t meeting her baby’s needs, and I couldn’t bear for her to think everything wasn’t perfect all the time.
Fifteen years into our open adoption, I now frequently text back and forth with M about how impossible teenagers are and we openly share stories about the ups and downs of parenting — some hilarious and awful, others triumphant and heartwarming.
[Read: Showing Kids How to Find Strength in Adversity.]
As each of you grows and changes, your open adoption will evolve to meet the needs of the different parties. Sometimes you, your child, and the child’s biological mother will all be in the same place with what you each want from the relationship, and that’s when it’s easy. Other times, there will be an imbalance, and that’s where it gets harder. The key is to maintain open, honest communication, and to always be respectful and empathic.
Open adoptions occur on a continuum. During the child’s younger years, the adults get to determine how much contact there will be. When my daughter was a small child, M struggled so much in her daily life that she declined to see us for a period of four years. My daughter really had no say in the matter. We resumed annual visits when M was ready. The sudden reappearance of her biological mother in our daughter’s life was jarring and anxiety-inducing for everyone involved.
Following that first reunion, friends and relatives suggested to my husband and me that doing an open adoption was too difficult for our daughter. They were worried she would be confused about who her mother is, and who her siblings are. She was acting out; she showed signs of distress.
That was where the real work began, the process of trying to be child-centered yet also forward-thinking. We had to block out the noise of everyone else’s opinions, and focus on creating very clear, open channels of communication with M, our daughter and our daughter’s therapist. We were in it for the long haul. We had to think about our daughter’s current state of mind as well as her future sense of identity and her relationship with M.
[Read: Do You Have a ‘Barometer Child?’]
There is no road map for open adoptions. There is no decision tree to help you decide next steps. What there is, however, is an adoptee who did not ask to be born into a complicated situation, and there is the responsibility of all adults involved to do their very best by that child. Our gut instinct was that our daughter needed to keep doing annual visits with her biological family, with as many supports, protections and healthy boundaries in place as necessary.
The next year’s visit brought less emotional disruption, and even less surrounded the following year’s visit. By the time my daughter was a teenager, she longed for the visits. At this point, a new dynamic entered the open adoption — the young adoptee was now a teenager, and she was no longer at the mercy of the adults to facilitate or even endorse her points of contact with her biological family.
My daughter, her biological mother, and her long-distance siblings follow each other on social media and text each other on their cellphones. They send each other pictures whenever they want. They watch each other’s live videos and have created an entire relationship of their own. Whereas my job was once to keep alive the spark that flickered between them, I now need to step back and let it breathe and thrive on its own.
Although I cannot control how my daughter interacts with her biological family, I can tend to my own relationship with M. We frequently have long phone calls. She has done amazing things with her life — she has gone back to school and is about to receive her bachelor’s degree. She took charge of her health and lost over 150 pounds in the past few years. We are bringing M to spend her first-ever full week with our family in June. I told my daughter, “You have never had M all to yourself. If you want, the two of you can take a few days to explore downtown Chicago. I don’t need to come along.”
[See: What to Do if Your Teen Demands More Freedom Than You’re Ready to Give.]
“I want you to come,” she insisted. “My two mommies and me. It’s exactly what I want.” I think the fact that I am content and willing to let her go off alone with M is exactly why she wants me to be there with her. She can have us both. She doesn’t have to choose. She knows that our love is infinite, and that is what makes our open adoption work.
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‘Does She Know Her Real Mom?’ The Complexities of Open Adoption originally appeared on usnews.com
