The sound of escalating voices, bickering or full-on arguing between children — siblings or friends — provokes a dilemma for most parents: to intervene or let them work it out themselves?
Some parents believe that if you leave kids to their own devices, the fighting will only get worse, deteriorating beyond resolution, while others think if adults interfere that kids will never learn to solve their own problems. And often, a parent’s personal emotional state determines which approach makes the most sense at any given time: A stressed parent, or one who is tired or worn down, is more likely to intervene, yell or demand an end to the arguing, while one who is in a calmer state of mind is more likely to implore the children to find a way to get along or demand that they figure things out for themselves.
To complicate matters even further, many parents attempt both approaches in the very same situation. They stay out of it for a period of time — monitoring what’s going on — and then, when they just can’t take the arguing anymore, they swoop in suddenly and angrily to strong-arm the situation into quick resolution.
When considering which approach is likely to be most beneficial to a child’s long-term emotional development (and not just a parent’s current emotional state), the most effective response isn’t one that’s driven by frustration or even a binary choice between intervening or not. An adult’s response to conflict between kids must always be informed by an important long-term goal: This is an opportunity to teach respect for others, compromise and problem solving. These are skills that every child needs to learn in order to become a highly functioning adult. With these goals in mind, the question of whether to intervene is easier to answer: Yes, in many situations, parents must intervene. That being said, it is a good idea to delay intervention when an argument seems minor and fleeting, when kids appear to be on the road to resolution and when they are speaking quietly and politely without escalation. If these criteria aren’t met, it is beneficial to intervene, but to teach, not to solve the problem.
[See: Modeling Civility at Home.]
Children, and even teens, often don’t have the necessary skills or the willingness to see another person’s perspective. (In fact, some adults continue to have this problem.) It is a challenge for them to see themselves as wrong or the other person as right; and it is difficult for them to admit that they hurt the other person, even though they can so easily feel hurt themselves. This type of self-centeredness (not selfishness) is developmentally normal and is at the core of arguments between friends and siblings. It is the very reason that some adult intervention is necessary to prevent an unresolvable stand-off, and to help kids learn how to be less self-centered and more understanding of the other person’s perspective. Learning these skills doesn’t mean giving in, accepting blame or being wrong. Rather, it reflects enormous emotional growth. If all adults had the ability to empathize with each other, the world would surely be a more peaceful place.
Adult “help” should not come in the form of solving the problem for children. Rather, it is best to give kids the tools necessary to solve not just this conflict but future ones as well. Instead of hearing both sides and then casting a vote for who is right and who is wrong, it is far better to hear both sides and then explain how it is possible for both sides to be correct — like in this made-up but true-to-life scenario involving siblings fighting:
Matt: “Sophie punched me!”
Sophie: “He started it. He wrecked my whole Lego building.”
Parent (at the beginning of every intervention): “Tell me what you did to contribute to the disagreement … not what the other person did.”
After this, topics for discussion (keeping in mind the goals of respect and problem solving) might include:
“Matt, how do you think Sophie felt when you destroyed her building? How would you feel if someone did that to something you worked hard to create? What do you think you should say to Sophie about upsetting her?”
“Sophie, what’s the rule about using physical aggression to express yourself? What do you think you should say to Matt about what you did to hurt him?”
[Read: How to Talk About Fairness With Your Kids.]
Teaching your child to think about what they did to contribute to the problem is far more important than figuring out who is actually right. The more you intervene by prompting self-reflection, the better your child will become at taking responsibility for his or her own behavior, rather than always being angry with the other person.
Kids and teens also need to learn how to end an argument on a positive note. This lesson comes from learning to tolerate the feeling of not getting exactly what one wants — otherwise known as compromise. In this way, adult intervention should include reminding a child that a long-term relationship is worth far more than being right every time. Being able to compromise is at the core of every single healthy relationship, including marriage, so the younger this is learned the better.
Finally, children must learn how to issue an apology for their contribution to the disagreement or fight. Explain that apologizing doesn’t mean someone is completely wrong. Rather, it is a way of showing respect and acknowledging someone’s hurt feelings. One can be sorry for upsetting or hurting someone, even if it was done for an understandable reason.
[Read: How to Put Recurring Conflicts With Your Child to Bed.]
It can take years — or even a lifetime — to learn how to compromise, show respect and freely express an apology without expecting one in return. This is why it is so important to get started now to teach your child by supporting and encouraging them, and, of course, by being a good role model.
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To Intervene or Not to Intervene? That Is the Question originally appeared on usnews.com
