Teens are certainly confusing and complicated, but there is one thing that’s crystal clear about them: More than anything else, they want to fit in with their peers. They want and need to stay connected. Without connection, they feel lonely and isolated and are at risk of becoming anxious and sad.
On the other hand, you don’t want your teens to feel drained and exhausted by their friendships, either.
Teens, like adults, run into all sorts of dilemmas with their friends. It would be surprising if they didn’t. And adolescence is an excellent time for your teens to learn that friendships are very nuanced and neither all good nor all bad. They are, as we have grown fond of saying lately, full of shades of gray.
[Read: 6 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Anything at All.]
Consider the following scenarios:
— Your teen has a very generous friend who is also quite needy, and your child is becoming depleted trying to please this bottomless friend.
— Your teen has a friend who is usually a lot of fun but who is also frequently thoughtless.
— Or, how about the kind and well-intentioned friend who always steals the conversation and rarely gives your child a moment to talk?
As an adult, you have experience with these sorts of friends and have made your own adjustments in these relationships. You are aware now, because of your years of experience, that friends present you with all sorts of dichotomies. But these dichotomies are much more confusing for teens who have been negotiating life for a much shorter period of time.
Given both your own life experience and your concern for your teens, you’re in an excellent position to help your teens set boundaries with friends. This will help them to reap the rewards of their relationships while also being able to manage challenges they encounter. Certainly, there are some friendships that are not worth maintaining, and that is fine, too. I hope, however, that those are the exception for your teens, and that they can find their way out of those friendships.
[Read: The Importance of Setting Limits for Your Child.]
In regards to friends your kids like but who are sometimes difficult, there are many ways you can help your teens navigate these relationships effectively. Here are some steps I would suggest taking:
1. Teach your teens to label their feelings. They need to know what it is that they are feeling first to effectively set limits and boundaries with friends. Help them label frustration, exhaustion, disappointment and anger. This is no small task. Many kids struggle with labeling their feelings.
2. Encourage your teens to heed their feelings and intuition. If they sense that something is wrong in a friendship, they’re probably right.
3. Explain to your teens that they can’t be all things to all friends. And let them know that friendships are most likely to thrive and continue if they feel good about them. Besides giving your kids permission to sort out their feelings, this will give them permission to set limits and boundaries with friends.
4. Discuss different ways to set boundaries. Explain to your kids that just as it makes sense to say yes at times, it’s also socially acceptable to say no at other times. Just as it’s fine to spend lots of time with a friend during the week, it’s equally OK to spend less time with the same friend when that friend is being too demanding or needy.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
5. Look at your behavior in relationships. Are you setting limits and healthy boundaries? Keep in mind that you are your teens’ most important role model. I can assure you of this. They are quietly watching your every move. So make sure you’re setting a good example for them to follow in your relationships as well.
More from U.S. News
10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child
7 Types of Friends You Need to Break Up With
7 Ways to Build Resilience for Crises and Everyday Life Challenges
5 Ways to Help Teens Set Boundaries With Friends originally appeared on usnews.com
