Raising a child is really hard work.
There’s so much to do, like making rules and following through, monitoring screen time, ensuring kids eat green foods, disciplining the bully, picking up the bullied and checking homework. Then there’s the teen years, when parents must be extra vigilant, including checking for alcohol and drug use, and talking about sex, not to mention preparing for college.
All of this can be exhausting and relentless, but for me, the most difficult thing by far that I’ve ever been tasked with as a parent has been allowing each of my three children to get a driver’s license and begin to drive unaccompanied. My youngest child has already been driving alone for three years, and all my kids are safe, responsible drivers. Still, every time one of them gets behind the wheel — especially for long drives — I worry about worst-case scenarios until I know that they have arrived in one piece.
[Read: The ‘Yes-Brain’ Approach to Parenting and Life.]
I trust that my kids have the skills they need behind the wheel, but how might others on the road behave? What if they encounter a driver who is reckless, drunk or texting? And, since I am not in denial about the judgment of teens and young adults, I do have a tiny but niggling concern that they could be the driver engaging in any one of these behaviors.
Particularly when my kids drive long distances, it’s not just stressful, it’s symbolic of all the other times I’ve had to relinquish control and allow them to grow up. I struggle greatly with the undeniable reality that I cannot completely protect them from physical (or social or emotional) harm, and that, in fact, if I tried to do so in the way my occasionally irrational brain would like me to do, I know I would handicap them; I’d be interfering with their ability to face life’s challenges and learn from their mistakes. As with so many other steps towards independence, they are doing what they are supposed to do — challenging themselves to take risks and develop new skills.
Of course, as parents, we still have an obligation to set appropriate rules and boundaries for teen and young adult kids; and, even when they are over 18, we can continue to do so — especially when we still hold the purse strings. For example, I am perfectly comfortable telling all three of my 20-something kids that they are not allowed to drive during a snowstorm or in icy conditions. My kids are generally respectful of this, but there are times I get pushback because they want to go somewhere now! When this happens, I respond that if they don’t like the arrangement, too bad! Since Mom and Dad own the car and pay for the gas, insurance and repairs, it’s not a negotiation.
I do try hard to separate my worries about safety from the reality that my children are competent drivers and need to learn how to manage the car when road conditions are less than optimal. I also recognize that some might feel that this type of parenting flies in the face of teaching independence. However, science shows that human brain development isn’t fully complete until a person is about 26 years old, and the last part to develop involves impulse control and good judgment. This means that young adults may still need help making decisions — even if they don’t realize it.
[Read: How Much Say Do You Really Have in Your Teen’s Health Care?]
Of course, some teens and young adults have a part-time job, save money and pay for their gas and car as well as other things. So, as a parent, it can be complicated to know when it’s acceptable to set limits. For example, parents often tell me that they don’t feel that they can forbid a teen from wearing an “inappropriate” item of clothing because the teen paid for it with “their own money.” While this may be technically true, unless a child also pays for their own food, education, health insurance, transportation and phone — in other words is fully independent — it is acceptable to set rules and boundaries. The tricky part is being careful to not leverage this financial control beyond instances where you have concerns for a child’s safety or that his or her judgment is clearly detrimental.
Except in such cases, it’s important — no matter how difficult it is — to balance the urge to protect children with allowing them to have experiences and face hardships, so they’re able to grow into confident, strong adults. You might not want your 4th grader to fail a vocabulary test, but if you don’t force him to study and he fails, then seeing the “F” might be what he needs in order to approach the next test with more care.
I may not want my child to drive three hours to visit a friend at a different college, but doing so will help her hone decision-making and planning skills that are needed to be independent. (Plus, my rational brain knows she’s a safe driver with good judgment and an always-charged cellphone.)
You may feel nervous about your 7th grader leaving home to attend a week-long camp, because it’s the first time your child has been away from home for an extended period. But the experience will teach him to trust his decisions, make new friends and negotiate a brand-new environment. My friend desperately didn’t want her daughter to select a college in California, but she knew that it was important for this particular child to have the opportunity to spread her wings and fly far away. As it turns out, her daughter is doing amazingly well — empowered, happy and getting fantastic grades!
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Since it’s not possible or even desirable to protect children from every negative life experience, we must do our best to equip them with the skills they need to weather these. This can only be done by allowing them to take some risks. As I said, parenting is hard … really hard, not just because of everything we have to do for our kids, but also because of all the times when we must resist the urge to do things for them!
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Letting Go Is Part of Parenting, Too originally appeared on usnews.com
