If you have more than one child, be prepared to hear — if you haven’t already — “You like him better than me” or “How come she always goes with you?” and “She’s your favorite” or “It’s not fair.” Like many parents, you may insist that the complainer is wrong — that your affection for your children is balanced and equitable.
But no matter how hard a parent tries to treat each child the same, your children will likely have a different perception. The slightest gesture toward one child will elicit cries of partiality from another. In children’s minds, you play favorites. And, in one sense, the children would be correct.
It is nearly impossible to treat siblings exactly the same. One is older or younger and rules such as bedtimes or regarding going to the movies with friends need to be age-appropriate. Ability, personality and temperament are all factors influencing your day-to-day interactions with each child, and factor into who gets, or is given, certain privileges. A child with a learning issue or disability or behavioral problem may require more of your time. Any one of these realities may cause a child to balk and remind you that you favor his or her sister or brother.
[Read: Understanding and Managing Sibling Rivalry.]
Researchers at the University of Missouri and the University of Illinois found that meeting the needs of one of your children is far more acceptable to the other children if they perceive the extra attention as fair. The study of the perception of fairness published in the Journal of Family Psychology suggests that if you explain why you spend extra time with John on his math assignment or why you take Kimberly to buy a new outfit (justifying, “He needs the extra help,” or “She’s going to a special event”), your other children are more likely to view the “special treatment” as fair.
However, parents are often reluctant to offer explanations or discuss the topic, and that avoidance can hurt not only sibling relationships, but also the children’s relationship with their parents. Study co-author Laurie Kramer of the University of Illinois says, “Unfortunately, the data shows that discussions about differential treatment don’t happen very often. And, when families don’t talk about the reasons kids are sometimes treated differently, the children make assumptions and interpret their parent’s behavior in ways that may not be correct.”
The study also reveals that when children understand why a sibling gets extra time with you or something else to meet that child’s needs, the other children are less likely to have negative feelings about their parents.
[Read: How to Talk About Fairness With Your Kids.]
Another more recent investigation from the Brigham Young University School of Family Life reported in the Journal of Adolescence looked at how differential treatment of siblings influences the quality of family relationships, specifically the effects of favoritism on the parent-child bond. Its subjects — teens and parents — and results were similar to the study findings published in the Journal of Family Psychology.
In this study, researchers talked to more than 300 families, each with two teenagers. Here’s the good news to think about while your children obsess or argue over who’s your favorite: The parental bond between you and your children has a lot to do with the children’s birth order: If the younger teen felt he or she was the favorite child (and parents held the same view), the bond with parents was strengthened. The parent-child connection weakened when the younger sibling did not feel favored. Surprisingly, the older teen-parent bond was not affected by the teens’ perception of his or her younger sibling being the favorite child.
What is most important say the authors of both studies is to treat your children as fairly as possible. You can’t treat them equally because they are different people with individual needs. If parents can meet the needs of all their children and be supportive, consistent and loving, children’s perceptions of favoritism tend not to be as crucial, especially in terms of preserving a parent’s bond with each child.
Nonetheless, some children’s feelings of favoritism linger into adulthood. The suggestions below will help parents treat each child justly and reduce a child’s incorrect interpretations of favoritism … or the reality of it.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
6 Do’s and Don’ts to Avoid the Appearance of Favoritism
1. Explain why you spend more time with one child. Perhaps one child needs extra homework help or you want to brush up on another child’s soccer skills before a big game.
2. Carve out time alone with each of your children. It can be 10 or 15 minutes at bedtime, a “private” chat before dinner or a walk after dinner.
3. Avoid taking one child’s “side” over another’s during their disagreements.
4. Don’t compare your children, setting one up as the better example by saying things like, Why don’t you just do your chores, finish your homework, clean up your room or — fill in the blank — like your sister does?
5. Focus on each child’s pluses — his loving nature, her sense of humor or responsibility — to make each feel special and unique.
6. Don’t compete with your partner for a child’s love and affection. That can only lead to focused time and attention on one child over another. Parenting is not a competition.
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Do You Favor One Child Over Another? originally appeared on usnews.com
