In mid-December, college students return home for more than just a few whirlwind days. In fact, most are on winter break for at least several weeks.
While it’s great to have them home, the truth is that re-entry is difficult for returning students, and sometimes even moreso for parents. There is noise, laundry and clutter. There’s a fight for the car, and the fridge is always empty. The bickering between siblings that had all but faded is back in full force.
Like many parents, you may feel that your child came home only to see his high school friends, or that she sleeps all day — even though you’re running the vacuum cleaner right outside her bedroom. (It’s 2p.m.!) You might even face resentment that you scheduled dermatologist, physical therapy and dentist appointments, despite explaining that these can’t be had at the last minute.
Winter (or summer) break can be a positive — and dare I say fun — experience for the entire family. However, it takes some parental patience as well as a deep understanding about the significant ways that college changes kids and, most importantly, the ways in which parents need to accommodate these changes.
[Read: How Parents Can Identify Mental Health Problems in Their College Kids.]
The most profound change occurs because going away to college promotes healthy and necessary feelings of independence, and this strong desire to feel independent continues when a child comes home for a break. A trigger for many of the arguments between parents and college students is when this drive for independence collides with a parent’s expectation that a child will slip easily back into their pre-college, more dependent role.
Parents want to be able to manage their child’s time, enforce 11 p.m. curfews and dictate bedtimes. As difficult as it might be to accept that your role in your child’s life has changed, it’s important to recognize this shift in order to cultivate this morphing relationship you have with your young adult child.
To begin, within reasonable bounds, college students need to be able to schedule their own time during breaks, just as they have been doing while away at college. If your child wants to sleep most of the day and stay up late with friends, that is to be respected, as long as he isn’t keeping the rest of the house awake at night, or demanding that you change your routine to keep it quiet when he wants to sleep all day. Nothing bad will happen to him if he “wastes the day” sleeping. At college, he decides when to sleep and when to wake up. So if he is succeeding academically and socially, there is no need to be concerned about his sleep patterns during a break.
Of course, the long summer vacation should have slightly different rules. A job, internship or other type of productive structure is important. Spending nearly three months doing nothing is not healthy for anyone.
If a family vacation is on the schedule, make sure your college student is clear about the dates, so she can plan when to see her friends. If your vacation will take up the majority of her time home, don’t be surprised or hurt if she is angry or resentful, especially if she won’t be home for New Year’s Eve. For college students — particularly freshmen and sophomores — seeing their friends is usually a priority over everything, even a fabulous vacation. This fact does not make your child a brat, or ungrateful; it simply means that your priorities are different from hers. You don’t have to change your plans, but being sympathetic, rather than angry, will go a very long way to ensuring everyone has a pleasant vacation.
If you don’t have a vacation planned, expect your child to want to be with friends more than with you. This is normal, and expressing resentment about it won’t make your child want to spend more time with you — it might do the opposite! Instead, simply schedule family time — a few meals or catching up on TV shows. It is sometimes also important to remind college kids that younger siblings miss them and would like a little time with them while they’re home.
[See: How College Students Can Avoid Getting Sick.]
Communication with college students on a break can sometimes be difficult. Often, especially in the beginning, they would prefer to not talk at all, while you are excited to hear everything about school. It can be tempting to ask lots of questions, but this is probably the least effective way to find out what is happening in your young adult child’s life. Be patient. Wait. The stories will come out with time. When they do, refrain from asking too many questions. Just listen, acknowledge and react. The more you listen, the more you will hear. The more questions you ask, the less your child will tell you.
Parents sometimes have the urge to tidy up their child’s room in preparation for the child’s return home. They declutter, throw out unnecessary items, restack papers and move furniture. For many college students, this is perceived, not as helpful, but as an invasion of privacy. It is comforting for them to know that their belongings will be just as they were left the last time they were home — even the things you consider junk. So before giving in to the urge to get rid of any of your child’s stuff, please ask your child’s permission to do so and respect her answer (which will likely be an emphatic “No, don’t touch my stuff!”). It is acceptable to engage in the type of cleaning or tidying that has always been done in your child’s room prior to college, such as changing sheets or vacuuming.
Of course, a break from college doesn’t mean that your child should have no family responsibilities. Your child should still follow some rules; it’s just important to negotiate guidelines that are tolerable (if perhaps not perfect) for both sides. For example:
— You lift any curfew (there is no curfew in college), but request that your child sends you a text as to where he is and what time he expects to be home, so that you don’t worry.
— You let your child have use of a car as long as she agrees to help with younger siblings when necessary. You agree to give her enough notice, so her own plans aren’t ruined.
— You leave his room untouched, provided he keeps his bedroom door closed and doesn’t leave a mess in every other room in the house.
— You will do her laundry as long as it is left near the washer — because you’re not going into her closed-door messy room to get it!
— He will have dinner with you twice a week — but he can choose the meal.
[See: 7 Healthy Dorm Must-Haves.]
Reasonable expectations, communication and compromise will ensure that re-entry will be smooth and that the time you spend with your college student is filled with fun, bonding and very little stress.
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Adjusting to Having a College Student Home for Break originally appeared on usnews.com
