My daughter is 8 years old. My son, only 7. Do we really need to be talking about consent, sexual assault and the Harvey Weinsteins of the world, for goodness sake?
Turns out, yes. We should. Children need to know, from a young age, that their bodies are their own, their words are powerful and nobody has the right to take advantage of them simply because they are bigger, stronger or outrank them. They also need to know that we can have these hard conversations — that my husband and I are safe people for them to speak to — now and in the future.
So we had this talk with my kids at dinner the night the story broke about Harvey Weinstein. We didn’t set aside a special time or place for the conversation. You don’t have to either. And, yes, it’s something you can talk about, too.
Here are some things to keep in mind as you broach the topic:
Give them the age-appropriate facts. Your children don’t need to know every sordid detail. They need to know information that makes sense to them and why this man’s behavior was wrong and detrimental to others.
Say: “A very powerful man in Hollywood, the place where they make a lot of movies, made some very bad choices that made many women feel uncomfortable, powerless and terrible inside. He bullied them in a way that made them feel that they couldn’t tell anyone about it. For some of the women he worked with, he exposed his private body to them without their permission. For others, he touched their private bodies without their permission. For some, he made them show their private body to him when they didn’t want to do that. He used his strength and power to make them deal with his choices and to make them do things that they didn’t want to do. It hurt them very much.”
[Read: Would You Know If Your Teen Was in an Abusive Relationship.]
Relate it to being a victim. Many young children know what it feels like to be sad, angry and powerless. They know what it feels like to be ignored or told what to do. Some know what it feels like to be pushed around, left out, and made to feel small and voiceless.
Ask: “Have you ever felt like you couldn’t speak up when someone was being mean or inappropriate? Sometimes it feels difficult to speak up because the other person is bigger, stronger, older or more popular than you. But we can’t be quiet when this happens. Even if it’s difficult and even if you are nervous, you can always come to us or someone else in charge and tell us what’s going on. Even if you feel alone in those moments, you are never alone. We are here for you, and we will listen.”
Ask powerful questions. Questions allow your children to think through how this information pertains to them. It also gives them the opportunity to talk through their ideas with someone they trust. Get them thinking about how they would respond by asking them to consider pertinent questions.
Say: “Who can you talk to if someone is making you feel this way?” “What if the first person you tell doesn’t really listen to you?” “What can you say to the person who is making you feel this way?” “What if the person is much bigger than you or older than you or more popular than you — what can you do then?”
Offer suggestions or role play. Depending on how you’d like your child to handle these situations, talk to them about it.
Discuss whether you want them to shout “back off” or “Don’t put your hands on me!” or you want them to walk towards a person of safety, buddy up or bite, kick or claw. Talk it through and even role play it. Make sure that if your child is ever in this ugly situation, it’s not the first time they’ve thought about how to handle it. Remember to switch roles and alter the situations so that your child can practice standing up for him or herself while also hearing your choice of scripting as well. If you want your child to develop more physical confidence, enrolling them in a great martial arts program that stresses character and self-esteem can help.
Relate it to being a perpetrator. Many people use power to feel more important than others, to get more privileges or to take advantage of various situations. They are stronger, older, more popular, better looking, smarter or more skillful. It’s vital that we teach our children to use their power for good.
Say: “With great power comes great responsibility,” using the oft-borrowed quote from Spider-Man. Then expound on the point. “What do you think that means?” you might ask. Explain, “When we are older, bigger or stronger than someone else, we should not use our power to hurt others. We should not use our power to make other people feel bad or like they have to do what we say because if they don’t, we can make life tough for them. That’s not OK.” Make sure you make it plain; “If someone does not want you to touch them, even if you think it’s funny or you think you are just joking, don’t touch them. Does this make sense to you? Do you have questions about this?”
[Read: 9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids.]
Explain consent. Tell your child that it’s not OK to touch someone or force them to touch you without their consent. Explain that consent is when a person says yes out of his or her own free will because that person wants to do what you’re asking him or her to do.
Say: “If you want to touch someone’s body and the other person says no or says nothing, this is not consent. Don’t do it.”
Speak up when you see it or hear it. When you see misogynistic or degrading behavior by boys or men, whether in song lyrics, on TV or in film, point it out. As Richard Weissbourd of Making Caring Common, a project of Harvard Graduate School, told me when I interviewed him for my “How to Talk to Kids about Anything” podcast, “It’s really critical to say something.” Weissbourd, lead author of “The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment,” explains, “Not saying something is a silent form of support. We don’t want to be complicit in this.”
Say: “It really makes me feel angry when I hear people speaking like that about girls and women. I find it disrespectful and believe it undermines their worth. What do you think of what you heard?”
Relate it to being an “upstander.” We all have the ability to make a difference. Many people knew about Harvey Weinstein’s despicable actions just as they knew of others who perpetrated similar actions. Our kids need to know that they must speak up when they see sexual harassment, intimidation, bullying or assault happening — whether right then and there or privately to an adult they trust.
Say: “If you see something, say something. Stand up for the person being victimized or make sure to let a trusted adult know what’s going on so that the behavior is stopped as soon as possible.”
Remind them that there is power in numbers. We need our daughters to know that if their friends, sisters, acquaintances or even similar-age strangers are being harassed or made to feel inferior or uncomfortable, that they can change that dynamic. Yes, they can speak up. They can also stand beside the girl in question or ask “Are you OK?” Often, being a confident, supportive presence is enough to shift the power conditions, allow the victim to speak up or make the perpetrator move aside. And let’s not forget that boys can be victims, too. So let’s send the message that girls and boys should stand with, speak up for or support anyone who is being bullied, harassed or compromised.
Ask: “What could you say or do if you saw someone in this situation that could make a difference?”
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Finally, underscore that it’s our responsibility to make this world a better place. People don’t always make the right choices. But today, we have the ability to make a change, get involved and conduct ourselves in a more helpful manner. We can do just that as parents — and teach our children to do the same.
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How to Talk to Young Kids About Consent and Harvey Weinstein originally appeared on usnews.com
