Not long ago, a popular parenting focus was building kids’ self-esteem. Giving children praise and trophies was roundly advised. But, more recently, there’s been much pushback to that approach. Critics wondered if giving trophies and false praise for all was as effective in building children’s self-esteem as originally thought.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with giving praise or trophies if the compliments and honors are sincere. But most people, including children, can see through false rewarding. They may even experience it as a form of manipulation. When parents praise, smile and compliment their children, kids tend to discount these words. That’s because they know their parents love them, and though certainly that’s a good thing, it makes them suspect of the appraisal. “Of course you think I’m great because you’re my mom.”
[Read: What Drives Kids to Act the Way They Do?]
Choice Theory psychology teaches us that we all have basic genetic instructions for power. One kind of power is that which we have within us, like when an individual knows within himself that he can accomplish a task, solve a problem, manage a challenge, reduce his stress and more. It’s this “power within” that comes to mind for me when I think about building self-esteem.
Helping your children meet their need for power within means giving them lots of opportunities to do something new and evaluate if they did it well enough to meet their own standard. It also involves giving them the opportunity to make improvements.
The best and most effective tool available to all parents in helping their children develop a realistic sense of the power they have within themselves, and what they’re capable of, is asking kids to to self-evaluate. Rather than sharing your opinion or appraisal, ask your child to evaluate how she thinks she did on her recent math test, at band practice or in completing chores. Once she has told you, ask if she knows in what areas she needs to improve. Finally, ask her if she’s interested in doing the work to improve.
[Read: How Bully Parents Erode Kids’ Self-Esteem and Create Long-Lasting Damage.]
Warning: If you want to use this process effectively, you must keep your opinions and evaluations to yourself, at least in the area that you’re asking your child to self-evaluate. No one, including your child, will give an honest evaluation if they have something to lose by being forthright.
Here are a few simple examples of ways you can adjust your approach to encourage your kids to self-evaluate, rather than doing the thinking for them:
— Ask your toddler if he needs to use the bathroom before you leave the house, rather than simply telling him to do so.
— Don’t insist that your child eat everything on her plate (which is not good policy anyway from a nutritional and feeding perspective). Instead, ask your child if she has had enough to eat.
— Do you ask your teenager what a reasonable curfew would be when she leaves the house? Consider doing this instead of simply giving her a time without knowing where she is going or what she plans to do.
— Have you asked your college-age student what area of study interests him? Or have you told him, perhaps through implication, what career path you expect of him? It’s important to let kids of all ages follow their true interests and passions.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
The earlier and more frequently you begin asking your child to self-evaluate, the more effectively your child will develop and hone this skill. Help your kids learn about, appreciate and draw confidence from the power they have within themselves. Doing this will enable your child build lasting self-esteem and live a responsible, independent and productive life.
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Help Your Kids Tap Into the Power Within originally appeared on usnews.com
