The decision to share your life and make a home together springs from love and commitment to each other.
Deciding on which home you’ll share or maybe deciding to move into a different home, figuring out the budget, registering kids in new schools and coping with moving day hassles are daunting challenges. Yet these practical decisions are often more easily tackled than the emotional conflicts and family dramas that follow once you’ve moved in together. Creating the happy home you both envisioned will require courage and lots of emotional work.
It’s also essential to prepare. So here are some things to consider as you face the challenges of creating a happy blended family:
You’re the adults in charge. The happiness and well-being of your kids are at stake. This is not your freshman year in college or your first apartment with roommates. Taking a wait-and-see attitude is not an option. The kids may have initially expressed enthusiasm or simply acceptance of the new arrangement. Keep in mind, however, that creating a blended family means kids are confronting both change and loss simultaneously. Acting out behavior often results when kids don’t quite know how to manage change and loss.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
Change is never easy. This upheaval — no matter how beneficial or necessary — means that each kid’s life has changed. These changes may include sharing a bedroom with a new sibling, adjusting to unfamiliar family routines, less alone time with a parent or adapting to a different family role. The former “baby of the family” may no longer be the youngest kid in the house. The star athlete or math whiz may now have competition from a new brother or sister.
Be aware and respect what kids experience. In addition to changes at home, kids cope with constant stress and anxiety. Things like academic expectations, staggering amounts of homework, rigorous standardized testing, competitive after-school activities, worries about college admission and future plans all combine to make kids’ lives far from carefree. Social media is a mounting and unrelenting source of stress and anxiety for kids.
Recognize and praise everyday achievements of each family member. Changing roles are challenging but can also help your kids develop new skills and see themselves in fresh, exciting ways. Praise for everyday accomplishments boosts confidence and increases the likelihood kids will tackle activities outside their usual comfort zone. Older kids will inevitably serve as role models for younger family members. Of course, this may not always be ideal. Often kids with obvious talents or specific interests are pigeonholed. Exposure to other more wide-ranging interests and praise for trying new things will help. Recognize small efforts, like kids volunteering to help each other with homework assignments. Change within families comes in small steps — not giant leaps.
[Read: How Successful Blended Families Create Happy Holidays.]
Loss is painful and confusing. Kids wish, long past the point where it’s reasonable or realistic, that their parents will somehow get back together. Moving in with a new partner disappoints kids who still harbor strong hope for their parents’ reunion. This disappointment is essentially yet another loss. The kids may have already grown accustomed to making a home with one parent while forging an altered relationship with the “other parent.” Major changes in that arrangement represent more loss and an obvious source of confusion. Your kids may also be fielding not-so-subtle requests from the other parent for information about the new housing situation. Rumblings of discontent about all the changes taking place from the other parent can fuel additional confusion. The other parent may also possibly relocate or find a new partner or love interest, adding to the changes kids must face.
Adults must communicate. Keep the other parent appropriately informed so kids aren’t called upon to serve as a go between. Keep contentious conversations between you and your new partner out of your kids’ earshot. The kids will be hypervigilant for a while until everyone feels more comfortable with this new home arrangement. A momentary tiff can be wrongly interpreted by the kids as a major crisis. Worries about things like missed child support payments or unexpected bills should only be shared with grown-ups. Family rules must be established and enforced fairly.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Make organization a priority. Responsibilities will shift according to circumstances, but routines and schedules are essential to make sure family needs are met without drama or unnecessary effort. As adults, we rely upon our devices, but kids will do best with a central family message board and activity calendar. Work out a system for family chores. Kids gain skills and confidence when given responsibility to complete simple household tasks. Pitching in to make things at home run smoothly helps build family identity through shared experiences.
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7 Essential Steps to Create a Happy Blended Family originally appeared on usnews.com
