It’s a familiar refrain that we’ve all probably heard from our children and something that we likely said when we were kids.
I can remember as a child giving my mother a piece of my mind after I heard my older brothers talk about walking down to the local McDonald’s with their buddies. After all, shouldn’t I be able to do the same thing with my childhood bestie? I was 7 at the time, and my brothers were 10 and 12 years old. So the answer, as you might have guessed, was “no.” My retort? “That’s not fair!”
It was a simple misunderstanding of the word “fair.” Research reveals that children believe that “fair” is always interchangeable with “equal” or “the same.” In other words, everyone should get the same amount of time, attention, privileges, perks and potato chips. As adults, we know this sentiment is oversimplified and often untrue. Fairness, more precisely, is reached when everyone gets what is needed, desired, deserved and appropriate based on factors such as age and circumstance.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
So how can we help children understand that fairness isn’t a one-size-fits-all philosophy — and in many cases, shouldn’t be? Here are some talking points and scripts to help you clear up the fairness confusion:
Talking point No. 1: Discuss people’s varying needs, since fairness is often based on what each person needs to be successful and healthy.
Sample Script: “If you just ate dinner but your friend hasn’t had anything to eat all day, should I give you the same amount of food? What’s fair or unfair?” Or you might say, “If your friend has trouble walking, should you receive the same amount of help to walk as she receives? What’s fair or unfair?”
Talking point No. 2: Explain that fairness is sometimes based on desire and interest. Everyone likes different activities, foods, games, colors and books.
Sample Script: “Imagine that you love to jump rope. Your brother, on the other hand, doesn’t care for jumping rope. To make everything fair, should I make sure you each have the same amount of time and opportunity to jump rope each day? Should I sign you both up for the jump rope contest? What’s fair or unfair?”
[Read: 9 Ways to Raise a Really Good Kid.]
Talking point No. 3: Have a conversation about merit, hard work and perseverance. We want to send the message that people who put in the most time and effort often get the largest share.
Sample Script: “Everyone puts forth various levels of effort. Some people work very hard, and others don’t work hard at all. So if one friend works all week to create an art project for an art contest, and another friend scribbles something down on paper in the last three minutes before the contest deadline, should they both receive the same prize and recognition? Since everyone did varying amounts of work, fairness doesn’t always mean ‘the same.'”
Talking point No. 4: Talk about fairness and appropriateness. Let your child know that depending on a person’s age, experience and ability, what’s fair may change.
Sample Script: “If you know how to ride your bike and your baby sister is too little to ride, should you both be given a bike for your birthday?” Or, “If your little brother gets scared easily and you love scary stories, should you both be given the same books to read? Do you think that would be appropriate?”
Talking point No. 5: Life, unfortunately, isn’t always fair. In a quiet moment, talk about what you think is really unfair in life, whether it’s people who are suffering — like a friend who has lost her parent to cancer — or kids who are homeless, or it’s societal inequalities that make life difficult for certain groups of people. This will provide some perspective for your children, while you ask them to take a walk in another person’s shoes. They may even want to find ways to be able to help those in need!
Sample Script: “I’ve been thinking of the people who are coping with the latest hurricanes and earthquakes. It’s so unfair that many have lost their houses and their belongings. What do you think of that?” Or, you could say, “Did you know that there are kids, just like you in our community, that don’t have enough money for school supplies or clothes? I was thinking about how they must be feeling right now and how unfair life can be for some kids. How do you think these kids might be feeling? I wonder if there’s some way we can help and make life a little bit nicer for them.”
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
Fairness is a tough concept for kids to comprehend, but if we discuss its nuances, it’s easier to understand. The key is to talk about it at a time when kids are calm and relaxed, so that it’s easier for them listen and engage in the conversation. And remember, each time you expose your children to situations in which they see how fortunate they are and how they have the power to give to others, they will learn that while life is not always fair, they have the ability to make it a little bit more fair, if they try.
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How to Talk About Fairness With Your Kids originally appeared on usnews.com
