I’m an A+ advocator.
Really, I should be. As a social worker, I’ve advocated for hundreds, if not thousands, of clients. I know how to contact the right people, present a persuasive case and obtain the outcome for which I was hoping.
Advocating is a skill that is learned over time. I didn’t wake up one magical day and find myself an accomplished advocate. No, I learned through trial and error, mistakes and practice. I learned who to contact, what to ask and how to put myself out there in a genuine fashion.
My kids, however, haven’t learned to advocate for themselves. And I’m going out on a limb to suggest your kids haven’t learned how, either. Why? Because parents tend to do all the advocating for their kids. I’m guilty of this myself. It’s all done with the best of intentions. Parents all want the ideal opportunities for their children. They want injustices reversed and doors to open. That’s all well and good. The problem is that parents may be holding kids back by intervening instead of mentoring.
[Read: How to Be a Better Example for Your Kids.]
Today, parents commonly make calls to teachers and guidance counselors to have a child’s grades changed and move kids out of difficult classes. Parents call coaches to ask for more playing time for their child, or that they’re moved to another position. Parents call sleepaway camp counselors to solve problems that arise for their kids while they’re away from home. Incredibly, parents call college admissions counselors and professors — with some parents even pretending to be students themselves. I have experienced this personally as a college professor and a former admissions director. The role of parent as advocate never ends, not even in adulthood. All of these parents are raising good points and asking important questions. It’s just that those questions need to be asked by the students themselves.
When parents intervene, as opposed to teaching children to speak up, they stand in the way of kids reaching their true potential. This behavior ensures that parents will need to continue advocating for their kids for the rest of their lives. That’s not what parents are intending but that’s the end result. Kids grow up incapable of speaking on their own behalf.
When a problem arises for my children out in the world, I don’t want them to be lost. I want them to have the confidence to solve their own problems. I want my kids to be able to ask for a raise or a promotion when they think they deserve one. I want my children to speak out about discrimination and injustices. I want them to have the ability to stand up for themselves if someone overcharges them or if they’re being ignored in the emergency room or when someone is bullying them.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
The best way to encourage kids to advocate for themselves is to resist the overwhelming urge to do it for them. That is the hardest part. A parent’s inclination will always be to help an overwhelmed and anxious child. But don’t. Teach the child solve his or her own problems.
When an issue arises, ask your child who is the appropriate person with whom to speak. It may seem obvious to you, but your child may have no clue where to begin. Once that is answered, help the child plan to make his or her case, with specific, well-thought-out reasoning. Decide if it would be best to meet in person, send an email or to resolve the issue over the phone. Role play, and practice pretending you are the coach or teacher or another particular person your child needs to speak with.
If your child is just beginning to learn how to resolve problems, you might want to offer to be with the child when they advocate for what they want or need. But remember, mum’s the word. Let your child do the talking. After the advocating is done, debrief. Was it effective? What worked or didn’t. How could the child have done it differently for better results? If the child is disappointed, work through that by helping identify ways to improve the situation next time. Finally, don’t forget to praise your child for trying to resolve issues on his or her own.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
Sometimes our kids will fail. They will not wind up with their desired outcome. A grade won’t be changed or an opportunity will be missed. They’ll be disappointed. But truth be told, small setbacks are sometimes necessary for bigger gains. Instead of picking up the phone to step in and rescue them, help children learn from their mistakes. That will occasionally mean learning to advocate better. At other times, it will mean helping kids realize where they can work harder in the future to avoid the situation they’re in.
Their disappointments will act like fuel to overcome or avoid future disappointments. I can live with that. Can’t you?
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Don’t Advocate for Your Kids. Mentor Them Instead originally appeared on usnews.com
