At 3 years old, my identical twin sons would argue over whose turn it was to sit in my lap. Instead of feeling warm about my children loving me, I felt confused and uncomfortable. Upon further investigation, I realized they were particularly concerned with things like whose turn it was to play with their favorite toy truck and who would choose the book to be read to them at naptime. Everything had become a competition and an argument.
These personal observations, along with my study of Robert Kegan (author of “The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development”) and Choice Theory psychology led to my own research in developmental psychology. What I learned, which I’ve applied in my own practice, has practical and helpful implications for parents as well.
As children grow and develop, they go through periods where they’re more cooperative followed by periods dominated by competitive behavior.
[Read: How to Help Kids Cope With the Stress of Competitive Sports.]
Starting at about 9 months, children go through alternating phases of cooperation followed by competition. This is most obvious beginning at age 2, also known as the “terrible twos.” This competitive phase lasts for about six months, then the cooperative phase is back for six months, followed by another competitive phase and so forth until around age 8 or 9.
Then the phases last for a longer period of time, or about eight or nine months. If you’ve ever wondered what was happening, because suddenly everything between you and your child seems to be an argument, you’re experiencing your child during his competitive phase.
Sadly you may not even notice that there are times when you and your child seem to be in a special kind of sync or harmony when he is in his cooperative phase. Parents want and expect their children to listen, cooperate and help out. When your child behaves this way, you may simply accept this and not notice. Paying closer attention will not only enable you to take advantage of cooperative developmental phases, it will put you in a better position to enjoy those moments of greater joy and harmony.
The best time to work with your child and make decisions together is during a cooperative phase. For example, when you’re child is being more cooperative, you might ask her what chores she prefers doing, settle on a bedtime, without fireworks, and even decide on a consequence, in advance, if your child does not come home when she says she will.
[Read: What Drives Kids to Act the Way They Do?]
During your child’s cooperative stage, he is more strongly driven to meet his needs for love and fun. As a result, he is more willing to work with you to make plans and solve problems.
When your child is in the competitive phase, you won’t miss it. During this phase, your child is more strongly driven to meet her needs for power and freedom. Your preschooler wants to win so badly she may even cheat while playing Candyland with you. During this phase, every request or direction from you turns into an argument. Wasn’t it just yesterday that your child thought going to story time at the library was a good idea?
When your child is in his competitive phase, your best strategy is to cooperate with his need to compete and demand for more freedom and power. Allow your 2-year-old three choices when deciding what clothes to wear for the day. With only two options, your child is more likely to perceive a tug-of-war — your way versus his way. Let your 8-year-old win and negotiate a bedtime that is 30 minutes later than your original choice. When your 12-year-old insists your rules are restrictive and unfair, allow him to present more choices to you, and see if you can settle on a solution together.
Here’s something else to keep in mind: When your child feels unsafe, she will rely on cooperative behaviors, even when she is in a competitive phase. A moment ago, she was angry and arguing with you, that is, until you walk into the doctor’s office. Now she clings to you and won’t let you out of her sight. She doesn’t feel safe and relies on you to help protect her and to feel secure. Perhaps you better understand now why your child is a cooperative angel for the babysitter or grandparents, but won’t cooperate and get along with you. She feels safe enough with you to practice meeting her needs for power and freedom knowing you won’t disconnect from her.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
When children become adolescents, it gets a bit more complicated. Teens rely on competitive behaviors to deal with feeling insecure or unsafe. They may brazenly talk back to authority figures, including parents, teachers, coaches, police or bossy relatives. When your teen asks for your permission to increase his freedom, do not automatically deny this request. In doing so, you almost guarantee your child will argue with you so he can win, even if he doesn’t care about the additional freedom. At this age, he is driven to win.
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Navigate the Competitive — and Cooperative — Phases of Childhood originally appeared on usnews.com
