Many women (and men) have been dreaming of their wedding day since they were little. What they don’t expect is that the day after feels like — well, the day after.
A newlywed woman on a forum on the wedding website The Knot, for example, wrote a post about feeling sad a few days after her wedding, which she referred to as the time of her life. “The minute we unlocked the door, and I went upstairs after arriving from our flight home yesterday, I completely broke down in tears … Yes, I’ve only been married for three days, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I had no idea how to cope.”
Such feelings are not uncommon. “Post-wedding depression is very real,” says Shannon Kolakowski, a Bellevue, Washington-based psychologist who specializes in treating depression. Much of it is related to “the letdown that can come with having the fun, excitement and planning of the wedding over.”
Back to Reality
Add to that having to adjust back to normal life. “In the time leading up to your wedding, you feel that real life is suspended: the honeymoon, the dress, the party, shrimp versus lobster become the stuff of everyday life,” says Jocelyn Charnas, a New York City-based premarital counselor and psychologist. “To shift back to takeout for dinner and work at 6 a.m. can take a toll.”
So can no longer being the center of attention, Charnas adds. “As we move through adulthood, rarely are we the center of attention. For people who gravitate toward attention, when you’re no longer the center of the universe, it can be a bit jarring.”
Adjusting to marriage itself can also be unsettling, Kolakowski says. “The first year of marriage is just hard in general,” she says. “It’s all the things that come with learning to live with another person and compromise. Even if you’ve been living together part of the time, there’s just that period of trying to figure out what one person wants and the other person wants.”
A husband and wife may differ in their expectations of how much time to spend alone or with friends, for example. And the perceived loss of friendships or changes in them can also hit hard. “There’s a lack of perceived support from people because you feel like you have to keep up the happy facade of the newlyweds, so people reach out less often,” Kolakowski says.
[See: Am I Just Sad — or Actually Depressed?]
Focus on the Relationship
To counter that sense of isolation, Charnas encourages newlyweds to stay invested in other things, namely family and friendships. “Don’t turn 100 percent of your bandwidth to the wedding,” she says.
Charnas further encourages clients to focus more on their relationship than the wedding itself. “I really try to help couples see the wedding is not the end of the process,” she says. “It’s the first day, not the last day of the process. I think if we can switch energy that way, it helps mitigate the blues.”
Newly married couples should also plan other things to look forward to, such as a trip a few months after the wedding or celebrating their anniversary, Kolakowski says.
And if there are underlying problems in the relationship — which the wedding may have masked — don’t wait to address them, she adds. “Even if it’s early in the marriage, it’s OK to reach out and get professional help. It doesn’t mean you aren’t starting off on the right foot.”
[See: 11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health.]
Adjust Your Expectations
Steve Orma, a San-Francisco-based psychologist, says what drives depression — not just following a wedding or another big event (like the birth of a baby or retirement) — is the perception of loss. “What you’re grieving is the loss of something that is important to you,” he says. “If after a wedding, you are perceiving that it’s all downhill from here, that viewpoint is going to really make you feel depressed.”
Instead, focus on why you married your new spouse — again, the relationship itself, he adds, and all the ways your life is going to improve and flourish.
Both Orma and Kolakowski use cognitive behavioral therapy to help people become aware of their thoughts and reframe them with gratitude. “Don’t just focus on the things that are not going well or that you’re not happy with,” Kolakowski says, adding that self-care is an important part of CBT. “Be good to yourself. Show yourself that same kind of attention and care as you did when you were getting married.”
Premarital counseling can also be helpful in normalizing the potential for post-wedding let-down, Charnas adds. “A wedding is something that we look forward to our whole lives. It’s normal that [afterwards] we experience some sadness or loss.”
[See: What Only Your Partner Knows About Your Health.]
In preparing for that possibility, Charnas helps people understand their expectations of married life more clearly. “I ask them, ‘What are the things that will be the same and different? What do we want to be different?'” she says. “Doing the work beforehand is so important. It can really help minimize the post-wedding blues.”
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Coping With the Post-Wedding Blues originally appeared on usnews.com
