Last month, just in time for wedding season, The Knot, a wedding vendor resource, released its annual Real Weddings study, which tallies the costs of a national wedding. After polling almost 18,000 couples, The Knot came away with figures that may tie you up in knots: The average wedding in 2015 cost $32,641.
And, as everyone knows, tradition dictates that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding. It’s a beautiful time-honored custom that should be preserved and cherished, say all the parents of grooms who’ve ever lived.
In any case, if you are a parent and you have agreed, or feel obliged, to pay for your child’s wedding, this is a serious financial endeavor you’re about to embark on. Before you do a thing, consider this list of questions.
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Should I even pay for the wedding? That’s entirely up to you, of course, but you’re wondering what other parents are doing. According to The Knot’s recent survey, parents of the bride still, on average, pay for the bulk of the wedding costs. But the good news is that many couples do contribute money to the wedding. If you don’t feel you can be on the hook for an entire wedding, you have statistics that can back you up.
So here’s how it breaks down. On average, the bride’s parents usually spend 44 percent of the overall budget, while the couple contributes 43 percent and the groom’s parents pop for about 12 percent. If you’ve done the math and are wondering about the remaining 1 percent, that accounts for relatives, rich or generous friends, and anyone else who may help out.
In 2015, 12 percent of couples paid for the entire wedding on their own, while 9 percent of couples didn’t pay for any part of their wedding.
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Should I put a limit on the wedding budget? Yes. Common sense dictates that, and plenty of parents at least try to.
Sarah Farver, who owns a brand consulting company in Texas, says that she and her husband, Scott, a software engineer, did that for their four children, who currently range from ages 19 to 26. Three of their kids are daughters, and their two oldest children married in 2013 and 2015.
Farver says that some time ago, she and her husband realized that “paying a fortune for four weddings would be out of the question.”
Instead, she says, “We told each one we would chip in X thousand for their wedding and they could spend it all or budget well, cut corners and keep the balance. By putting the ball in their court, they handled it very responsibly.”
Kate Lynn Nemett agrees. Nemett is the editorial director at Borrowed & Blue, a website that helps couples plan their weddings. “Putting a firm upper limit on your contribution will … prevent frustration or disappointment down the line when requests for a few hundred dollars more here or there begin rolling in,” she says.
[See: 11 Expenses Destroying Your Budget.]
Am I doing this because I want to, or I feel like I have to? You better have a little of that first part in your mindset, according to Nemett. Otherwise, she says, “you are setting yourself up for a rocky road.”
How so?
“A sense of requirement can quickly turn into a sense of ownership, and the cardinal rule to remember throughout this journey is that this isn’t your wedding,” Nemett says.
But if you can think about the money as a gift “to be used towards the celebration of their dreams,” then Nemett says, “you’ll immediately feel more like a benevolent parent full of generous spirit and less like a guilt-propelled open checkbook.”
How much say do I get in planning the wedding? OK, maybe you blocked out Nemett’s advice, or, yes, you heard her loud and clear, but you’re still having trouble reconciling the idea of giving your daughter or son a wad of cash and letting them plan everything. You figure if you’re going to pay for it all, you should at least be able to invite some of your old friends who have watched your kids grow up, or have that ice sculpture that your parents couldn’t afford to buy for your wedding.
It’s good that you’re asking this question, and you need to decide what the answer is as early as possible, says Meghan Ely, who was a wedding planner for reception venues for seven years and now owns OFD Consulting, a Virginia-based public relations firm that specializes in working with wedding professionals, such as bridal show exhibitors.
She suggests that early on you need to “clearly define everyone’s role and who counts as the decision-maker.”
You don’t have to make all the decisions, and your child and future son- or daughter-in-law don’t have to make all of them either, but decide who’s deciding what as early as you can, Ely advises.
“At the end of the day, communication is key,” she says.
Am I prepared if the wedding goes over budget? If you’ve seen the classic 1950 film “Father of the Bride” starring Spencer Tracy, or the 1991 Disney remake with Steve Martin, you know that both movies are documentaries about weddings that are disguised as fictional comedies, and that wedding budgets can easily be blown out of the water. Do you have any emergency money stashed away, in case you need it? If not, should you pare back your expenses?
“In a perfect world … no unforeseen hiccups will arise, and the entire day will be executed and paid for exactly as planned,” Nemett says. “But in the actual world, unexpected bills are bound to happen, especially as the event approaches and those small details crop up for which you or your child forgot to account for. Tipping and feeding vendors, for example.”
Oh, you’ve thought of that, have you? But what about these scenarios? “Are you really going to refuse to bring in fans if there’s a dangerous heat wave during an outdoor wedding, or say no to a tux alteration if the groom can’t button his jacket?” Nemett asks.
Ely suggests planning for a wedding to go approximately 10 percent higher than you’re expecting.
And, sure, there are numerous other questions you’ll want to ask yourself. Should I take out a loan for my child’s wedding? Do I need wedding insurance? Should I urge my child to have a small, intimate wedding and instead offer up some money he or she can put toward a down payment on a future house?
Those are all important questions that you’ll want to wrestle with, and while the answers aren’t easy, they’re a heck of a lot easier to comprehend than the question that plagues all parents of kids who are about to get married: Where did the time go?
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Paying for a Wedding: 5 Questions Parents Should Answer Now originally appeared on usnews.com
