What was I going to do? Forty-five years of my father’s and late mother’s accumulated possessions filled my childhood Wisconsin home. I lived in California and there was just too much stuff.
Having to clear my family’s possessions when my sister, brother and I were not seeing eye to eye was creating an even bigger burden. I’d love to save some of our family’s history but if I do, it could lead to those ugly sibling quarrels: You took this, I wanted it. When family members don’t get along, we all lose.
Upon the advice of those familiar with disposing of family property, I sought an estate sales administrator to help earn as much as we could for our family’s possessions. My parents owned a piece of Milwaukee’s history. The brick colonial home was built by a prominent banker and my parents were the second owners. But all except one of the estate sales administrators I contacted turned me down. They didn’t believe there was enough value to make it worth their while. Out of desperation, I chose to work with the one who agreed to take on the assignment.
I don’t do flea markets or garage sales, so I was out of my element. I mean, what do you do with boxes of fabrics from the 1970s? Anyone need 30 pairs of scissors made in Germany? And I seriously doubted this administrator would get us a fair value for the Persian rugs. What about my father’s floor-to-ceiling boxes in the basement filled with assorted cables, wires, pipes and paints?
My father was living with my husband and me in our California home. He had been diagnosed with dementia with a recent assessment indicating Alzheimer’s. He was not returning home. As his fiduciary, I had to clear out his Wisconsin home to get it prepared for sale.
Different Families Take Different Approaches
Over the years, I’ve worked with elders to gradually reduce their possessions and talked with others who have lived in their homes a long time and accumulated a lifetime of possessions.
A fellow author from the Midwest and longtime friend informed me after our discussion that her children agreed to take care of her stuff after she’s gone. She felt relief. Now she can live among her treasured belongings without stressing about letting go of stuff.
The other extreme was a woman who had cared for her late husband with Parkinson’s. They were childless, so she was alone among their lifetime of antique collectibles and American Indian artifacts. I suggested she start letting go of some of this stuff. “Gift it to the people you care about in your life,” I advised. As a spry, opinionated woman in her 80s who figured she’d live a long time, she leased space in a consignment shop. Unfortunately, this didn’t work out as well as she needed. Then she was hospitalized. Upon returning home, she discovered her trusted neighbor who was looking after her home had removed some of her things. Once again, I urged her to start letting go. It wasn’t until she was in her early 90s and completely bedridden that I knew it was too late.
Key Takeaways
What We Hold Onto the Tightest, We Often Lose
The former caregiver clung onto her treasured possessions. When she was so weak she could no longer do things for herself, her niece had to drop everything, leave her family in the Deep South to fly west. Here in California, she tried to figure out what to do with all her aunt’s stuff. When I called, she sounded flustered. She’s a country girl. What’s she supposed to do with all these things? I imagine much of it was donated or tossed. Sad.
It Takes Time
Despite our penchant for quick fixes, there are none. Just as it takes years to accumulate possessions, it will take longer than a one-weekend intensive, despite what’s written in popular declutter books. My parents clung to their stuff. The weight of an overwhelming burden precluded them from flying toward their dreams. They wanted to move to California. My father wanted to travel the world. But they had to get through these things first. Needless to say, they never realized their dreams — well, my father did ultimately live in California, but that was after being diagnosed with dementia.
Take It One Step at a Time
You don’t have to do it all, now. Help your parent set aside a few items he or she is ready to part with. During the next holiday gathering, invite your parent to share a memory about the treasured item. Then invite your parent to gift the item to a family member and explain why. Capturing on video both the memory-sharing and the gifting will make for a treasured keepsake. Family members can also choose from the items that were set aside earlier.
Accept Responsibility for Our Own Stuff
Unless your situation is like my author friend’s, whose children told her to live comfortably because they’ll take care of her things after she’s gone, we must be accountable for disposing of our own stuff. Children today have their own lives and can’t take time to deal with their parent’s stuff. So, taking the steps above is a move in the right direction.
Over the last 20 years, I’ve learned it’s best if we take care of our own affairs while we’re able. Why burden others with our stuff? Seriously. I was overwhelmed, stressed out and in near tears trying to handle all the details until my brother’s girlfriend stepped in to help after dealing with her late mother’s stuff. Sadly, the outcome of the estate sale was poor. Most of my parents’ possessions were given away to a troubled youth charities including the Persian rugs. The estate sale administrator did surprise me, though, with one pleasant outcome: a buyer for the house above appraised value.
I’ve co-authored a book with Eric Riddle, “STUFFology 101 — Get Your Mind Out of the Clutter,” to help people start early and do a little at a time. This is especially valuable for caregivers whose parents are stuck like my parents were amid the clutter. It offers a truly workable approach amid today’s short-term quick fixes to give families time to more calmly determine what they want to do with the possessions in their lives.
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Caregiving Families: How to Help a Loved One Downsize With Dignity originally appeared on usnews.com
