Whether you’ve just moved to a new city, changed relationship status or are bogged down with work, it can be hard to make new friends as an adult. Unlike being in school or college, where you were surrounded by peers of similar ages and interests, finding friends and maintaining those connections as an adult isn’t as easy as it used to be.
In fact, personal connection for American adults has been in decline for years, and the profound impact of loneliness, isolation and lack of connection has evolved into a public health crisis, as emphasized in U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy’s 2023 report, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” Loneliness and social isolation can lead to higher rates of mental health challenges like depression and anxiety, as well an increased risk of heart disease and stroke.
While making friends as an adult may seem easier said than done, it’s entirely possible — and beneficial for both our physical and mental well-being. But it might require more intentional effort and strategy.
How to Set Yourself Up for Successful Friendships
Research suggests that people with six or more friends tend to have better health.
But for many adults in the U.S., establishing six close friendships might seem like a stretch. Developing and maintaining platonic relationships often take a backseat to family, romantic relationships and work rather than equal priority. In a 2021 report from the Survey Center on American Life, nearly 70% of Americans said they have situational friendships where they only see a friend in a specific context, like work or a shared activity.
Before putting yourself out there to start up new friendships, relationship expert Kat Vellos, author of “We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships,” recommends taking time to consider a few questions:
— Clarify what friendship means to you. How would you define friendship, and how would you describe the kinds of friends you hope to add to your life?
— Clarify the type of friendships you’re hoping to add to your life. Are you looking for activity partners, professional colleagues, someone to go partying with or a heart-to-heart best friend?
— Accept that it’s not going to happen overnight. You’ll probably need to meet a lot of people to find the few that you’ll want to make a deeper commitment to.
While it might take time, research shows it’s helpful to keep an optimistic mindset. People who expect acceptance naturally behave more warmly, which makes others more likely to accept them. On the other hand, those who expect rejection tend to be less approachable, which can lead to lower likelihood of acceptance.
[READ What Are Attachment Styles and How to Find Yours]
How to Meet New Friends
One of the best ways to make new friends is by letting your interests and hobbies guide you.
“Go where the kind of people you want to meet are already gathered,” Vellos says.
Groups that meet regularly offer more opportunities to make strong connections than a one-off event (think taking a class rather than just attending a lecture). It also draws on the “mere exposure effect,” which describes our inclination to prefer things — and people — we are familiar with.
Here are some ideas for where to meet new people:
— Interest clubs. If you like to read, you might join a book club or start your own. If you’re looking for parent friends, join a parenting group in your area or attend story time at your local library.
— A gym or group workout class. Pairing exercise with socializing isn’t for everyone, but the gym can be a natural place to form friendships. Be open to conversation with other regulars (start with a smile or wave if that feels more comfortable) or try a group workout class, which offers a more consistent way to make connections.
— Sports leagues. Whether you’re into baseball, softball, flag football, volleyball, running or another sport, there’s most likely an adult sports league or club for you. Not only do they get you moving, but they also function as social clubs in which you can meet new people who share a love for the sport.
— Adult classes. As we get older, it’s important to stay curious and learn new skills and concepts to keep our brains sharp, but it’s also helpful for making friends. For example, you can join a cooking class at a local store, sign up for a woodworking class at a makerspace near you or audit an art history class at a college or university.
— Apps. Social networking apps aren’t just for dating. In fact, there are several apps available strictly for platonic relationships, including Meetup, Bumble BFF and Yubo.
— Volunteer work. Volunteering can not only connect you with people who share your interests, but it can strengthen your ties to your community overall. Look for a cause that’s meaningful to you, whether it’s volunteering at a local animal shelter or helping seniors in your area.
— Spiritual groups. Most religious and spiritual groups meet regularly, providing ample opportunity to form connections over shared values. Attending events, joining smaller group meetings and volunteering are good ways to get to know potential new friends on a more personal level.
— Existing social network. If you’ve moved to a new area and are looking for a community, don’t be afraid to leverage your existing social network to make connections. If a friend, family member or a colleague knows someone in your area and thinks you two would hit it off, accept the setup.
Staying open to friendship opportunities can be just as important as taking a proactive approach. The same goes for saying “yes” to activities and events, from joining a sports league to accepting an invitation to the block party down the street.
[READ: Activities to Help Fight Depression.]
How to Form New Friendships
There is an important distinction between meeting new people and actually making friends.
“Meeting people is the first step to figuring out who you’re drawn to and who’s drawn to you. As you invest in meeting new people, you’ll start to amass a larger collection of acquaintances,” Vellos says. “But every person you meet won’t be the right fit for a long-term friendship. Making friends is about developing a closer, more reliable and mutually beneficial platonic relationship.”
Once you find someone you feel a mutual connection with, prioritize time together without forcing or rushing the relationship. If weeks or months pass between spending time together, you’re more likely to see the friendship fizzle out. Research shows that it takes at least 90 hours to develop a friendship and closer to 200 hours to reach “close” friendship.
[READ: What Is Alexithymia and How Does It Affect People’s Emotional Lives?]
How to Maintain Lasting Friendships
Maintaining new friendships takes just as much — if not more — effort as initially establishing the relationship.
“It’s possible to go months without seeing a longtime friend and still feel close to them, but new friends require steady investment,” writes Aminatou Sow in the 2020 book “Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close.”
This is where the rubber meets the road, Vellos agrees.
When you meet someone that you have a positive mutual connection with, she recommends these strategies:
— Stay in touch regularly. Make it a habit of reaching out on a consistent basis. Did they mention an upcoming presentation at work or first date the last time you talked? If so, a casual check-in can go a long way in firming up a new friendship.
— Follow up with plans to hang out again. When you do get together, pick the date for next time you’ll see each other if possible. Comparing schedules is easier in person.
— Develop strong communication skills. It’s not just about dedicated actions. Vellos emphasizes that developing your communication and conflict resolution skills are also key to creating more resilient, longer-lasting friendships.
“If you don’t build the skills to keep your friendships going, you create more work for yourself in the long term,” Vellos says. “Maintaining existing friendships might not be as ‘shiny’ as making brand new friends, but it’s where people find the deepest levels of fulfillment and belonging.”
Bottom Line
Meaningful adult friendships rarely develop organically or overnight. They take meaningful investment at the outset and commitment, communication and vulnerability to successfully maintain.
But the research is clear: It’s worth the time and effort to take platonic relationships off the back burner, whether it’s reconnecting with old friends or finding a new community. Social connection is beneficial not only to our individual health and well-being, but also improves the resilience of our larger communities.
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How to Make Friends as an Adult originally appeared on usnews.com
Update 06/05/24: This story was previously published at an earlier date and has been updated with new information
