Christine Oakfield wasn’t prepared for the realization that only a few months remained until her teen daughter would leave for college.
Her awakening came at a family gathering shortly before graduation.
“It was really easy to ignore it for a while because you have all the ‘to-do’ lists, the college applications and everything else,” Oakfield, who lives just outside Philadelphia, said. “We were at that family function, and someone said, ‘Oh, you and your husband are going to be empty nesters soon.’ And it just hit me.”
The emotional jolt may have been harder for Oakfield because her daughter graduated from high school at age 14 and decided to attend Mary Baldwin University hundreds of miles away in Staunton, Virginia.
“My whole identity was wrapped up in being a mom,” she told WTOP. “I home-schooled her. So, I was with her all the time.”
Oakfield took action, scouring the internet for self-help or support groups for empty nesters. She came up empty-handed: “I Googled ‘empty nest,’ and what came up was a TV show and a blog article from Psychology Today,” she said.
Oakfield struggled through a year of missing her daughter at times and was unsure about her future at other times. She turned to a few blogs, a handful of books and some podcasts on midlife transitions.
“A year into her college, I realized that I love podcasts. Why don’t I create one for this niche?” Oakfield said. “Now, I’ll get an email from someone who will say, ‘I listen to your podcast and thank you because I know I’m not alone.’ And that’s everything for me.”
Oakfield’s podcast, Your Empty Nest Coach, has over 125,000 downloads. She also became a life coach to a growing list of parents who need help navigating the changes and emotional challenges sparked when their teens head off to college, the military or whatever creates an empty nest.
Oakfield said an increase in empty nest coaches and online support groups suggests a greater demand among parents looking to hire empty nest coaches.
“It’s different for everyone. It’s little moments that you don’t expect,” Oakfield told WTOP. “I have clients who say they’re fine and then they go grocery shopping and seeing their kid’s favorite cereal is the trigger for them.”
‘Too connected’
Fellow empty nest coach Jay Ramsden said it’s tough for parents to figure out who they are outside of the day-to-day parenting role.
He said social media, smartphones and technology make it harder for parents to disconnect from a child who is away at college than it was for previous generations.
So, a clean break never really happens.
“We’re just too connected,” said Ramsden, a retired educator who started coaching when he became an empty nester. “We have access to them. My parents didn’t have access to me in the way that I had access to my kids when they were in college.”
Ramsden, who is based in Massachusetts and takes on clients in the D.C. area, encourages parents to prepare early for a child’s send-off. The first step for parents is determining their new role.
“You have to get a handle on your head and your heart,” he said. “This life transition sparks questions like, ‘What does this mean for me? What is my role now?’ All those questions go through our heads.”
Healthy barriers and space
Ramsden said once parents answer those questions, the next steps include discovering their new life goals.
Empty nest coach Catharine Ecton agrees.
She’s based in D.C., and started taking on clients shortly after retiring from a career in education. One of her top goals is to help parents find their new direction.
“One of my favorite quotes by Yogi Berra, ‘If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up someplace else,’” she said. “The biggest step is deciding you want to make a change. You want to do something to help you from not worrying and not crying.”
Ecton also helps her clients create healthy barriers before teens leave for college. She said too much interaction with parents can hinder a teen’s acclimation to college life, especially within the first few months after a child leaves.
“Give the child their space,” she said. “It’s also an opportunity to be a role model for your child, to show them that mom and dad miss you, but we have things that we’re doing, too.”
But the challenges of an empty nest become easier over time.
Podcaster Oakfield said enduring the tough times can lead to something new between empty nesters and their kids.
“A lot of us haven’t had the space ever in our lives to really consider who we are,” she said. “This feels like one of the last opportunities for somebody to say, ‘OK, is this what I want to be going forward?’ We have an amazing opportunity to build a new relationship with our kids that can be really fun.”
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