We’ve all been there. The check arrives after a decadent restaurant meal, and the vibe at the table flips from amiable to awkward. Should you split the bill with the other diners? Let your host cover it? And who pays for the guest of honor?
Here’s how to navigate the tab in five awkward bill-splitting situations.
1. To celebrate your birthday, you invite a group of friends to dine at your favorite restaurant.
Here’s the general rule of thumb that most etiquette experts can agree on: Whoever does the hosting does the paying.
So, in this situation, hosting your own birthday meal means volunteering to cover the bill. “If you invite someone to your birthday dinner, you are expected to pay,” says Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert and owner of The Protocol School of Texas.
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That said, “etiquette is situational,” says Jacqueline Whitmore, international etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach. And etiquette rules can be bent to meet your circumstances.
For example, if you want to grab dinner with your friends on your birthday but need to make it clear that you can’t pay, say so in the invite. Try phrasing the invitation something like this: “It’s my birthday and we’re all meeting out for dinner. If you’d like to come along, I’d love to have you, and everyone’s going to split the bill.”
2. Today is your best friend’s birthday, and you’ve invited friends to a restaurant.
Again, the classic rule is that the person who hosts covers the bill for everyone, including the guest of honor. “If you’re throwing a party for someone, you’re picking up the tab,” Whitmore says.
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If you aren’t willing to pay, make it clear that you’re coordinating the event, not hosting. “There’s a difference between being a host and organizing,” says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute.
Post suggests trying to phrase the invite like this: “Let’s all get together and celebrate Kelly on her birthday. We’d love to do dinner and drinks at XYZ restaurant. Be prepared to cover the cost of your meal plus a portion of Kelly’s meal.” That way, there’s no ambiguity that you’re volunteering to organize, but not to pay.
Another sticky bill-splitting situation can occur when inviting others to your kid’s birthday party. When it’s your child’s celebration, you are considered the host, Whitmore says. That means covering the theme park ticket, ice skating rink entrance fee or other activity fee. “Everybody’s bringing a gift, so they shouldn’t have to pay for their own ticket and gift, too,” she says.
3. You’re on a first date, and the bill arrives.
The traditional etiquette rule that the man covers the date hasn’t kept up with the times, nor does it take into account who pays when it’s a same-sex couple on a date.
Instead of defaulting to letting the fella pay, follow the birthday party rule: The one who did the inviting does the paying.
Post recommends making it clear that you’ll be the one paying for the date by saying something like this: “I’d love to take you out to dinner.” That helps get the awkwardness out of the way and labels the outing as a date, not a dinner between friends.
Of course, “if the other person offers or insists [on splitting the bill], certainly you can agree to split it or allow them to take you out the next time,” Gottsman says.
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4. You spilled red wine on your host’s white carpet.
You’ve committed the ultimate party foul. Now what do you do?
“You certainly should offer to clean it up,” Whitmore says.
Once that’s out of the way, Post recommends saying something like: “Could we go over the cost of a repair or a replacement together? I’d love to contribute anything I’m able to in order to get this fixed.”
But a gracious host or hostess won’t allow you to pay. Instead, they should recognize that hosting a party inherently comes with the risk of having something broken or soiled, experts say.
5. You’re on a road trip and it’s time to get gas.
If you’re hitting the road, the cost of gas should be addressed upfront, just like you would the cost of food, motel stays and other expenses, experts say.
“You fold it right into the splitting of the bills or other items,” Post says.
The bottom line: Despite what etiquette dictates, you should always be prepared to cover your portion of the bill.
Says Gottsman: “Although someone invites you out to dinner or to a celebration, you must never assume [they’re going to pay].”
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Who Picks Up the Tab When … Paying the Bill in 5 Awkward Situations originally appeared on usnews.com
