You’re greeting a colleague you haven’t seen in a while, or ending a meeting with a client. Do you enthusiastically open your arms for a hug? Do you wait awkwardly to see if they initiate a hug first? Shrink back in the hopes that you won’t get hugged? Just default to a handshake?
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Hugging in professional contexts can cause a lot of confusion, especially since some people are determined huggers and others definitely don’t want to physically embrace colleagues. And yet there are entire industries where hugging is normal, especially as offices become more casual, and there are also fields where hugging would seem wildly out of place. But most of us work in contexts where the rules for hugging just aren’t clear-cut — and so as a result, we end up wondering if we’re supposed to hug, how to avoid a hug or whether we just made things awkward by going in for a hug.
Thus, to navigate through this awkward terrain, here are rules for huggers and non-huggers when you’re in professional situations.
Tips for Huggers
While you might be an enthusiastic hugger in your personal life, it’s important to remember that the rules for professional relationships are different. You certainly might develop hug-friendly relationships with people or you might meet business contacts who are huggers right off the bat, but in general your preference for hugging is trumped by a colleague’s preference not to have that kind of physical intimacy with a co-worker. That means that you should default to not hugging unless you have good reason to believe the person truly would welcome a hug.
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Definitely do not hug people who you manage or otherwise have power over. By all means, greet them warmly, look happy to see them and take genuine interest when you ask how they’re doing — but don’t hug them. That’s because the power dynamic in the boss-employee relationship means that many people won’t be comfortable telling you that they’d rather not hug. And you really, really don’t want to be forcing unwelcome physical contact on the people who you manage or ignoring their personal boundaries.
Pay attention to other people’s cues. Don’t assume that everyone else is a hugger. Instead, take note of their body language. If a person isn’t making themselves easily available for a hug (for example, if they are turned away slightly or conspicuously carrying something that they’re not making any moves to put down), assume that this is a no-hug zone. Also, pay attention to the norms of your office. If no one else is engaging in regular hugs, you should probably calibrate your behavior accordingly.
When you’re in a group, don’t hug some people and not others. Even if the people you don’t hug didn’t particularly want to hug you, selectively hugging some people in a group and not others is likely to cause some awkwardness. Hug preferences aside, it’s too clearly a sign of being closer to some people than to others and can make people feel left out or like outsiders. Instead, stick with a neutral non-hugging greeting or goodbye for everyone.
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Tips for Non-Huggers
If you would rather not hug, sometimes you can ward it off by preemptively sticking out your hand for a handshake. Or, if you’re comfortable doing this, you can say, “I’m not much of a hugger so I’ll spare you that, but it’s great to see you.” Or, if it’s a person you won’t see often, you can mention that you’re just getting over a cold and don’t want to risk exposing them to your germs. (Of course, this one doesn’t work for people you see and need to ward off hugs from regularly.)
Unless you work somewhere with no concept of personal boundaries, it should be completely OK not to hug. It’s an office where professional relationships should govern, and most huggers understand that some people have different boundaries than they do. As long as you’re matter-of-fact about it and don’t make colleagues feel like your reason for not hugging is that you’re personally repulsed by them, you should be fine.
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Hugging at Work: OK or Not OK? originally appeared on usnews.com
