In the wake of another school shooting in the United States, parents may have trouble talking with their children about these tragedies. A D.C.-area based psychiatrist says doing so will actually help them in the long run.
“We need to be honest and make sure that we’re making time to talk,” said Dr. Asha Patton-Smith, a board-certified psychiatrist with Kaiser Permanente in Burke, Virginia. “Make the space to have a conversation. It’s important to reassure children that they’re safe, regardless of their age.”
But there are ways parents can help kids cope with anxiety and stress.
Patton-Smith said first, find the right time to have the conversation so you can give your children your full attention. Remember that if you’re feeling stressed or anxious, your kids will pick up on that, so be honest with them. This will normalize overwhelming feelings. And if your child doesn’t bring it up, you should initiate the conversation.
“With these types of tragic situations, kids are aware that something has happened,” she said. “Say, ‘Hey, I know this is really challenging, it’s challenging for me, too, as an adult. Let’s see how we can work through this together.'”
It’s very important to validate their feelings. However, the conversation will vary depending on your child’s age. For early elementary school children, stick with brief, simple information that is balanced and reassuring.
“This is what happened. This didn’t happen at your school,” Patton-Smith said. “Most kids have had some sort of emergency drill or practice drill for something like this.”
Upper elementary and middle school aged children are typically more vocal, and will have more questions or concerns. Let them talk about how they feel.
“That’s when you make sure you’re understanding what they’re thinking and giving them facts and reassurance,” she said.
Upper middle school and high school aged kids have strong opinions about what’s happening and what’s going on in the world. Give them space to share their thoughts, Patton-Smith said. Older children also benefit from having more facts and context, but provide that information after they’ve had a chance to express their feelings.
“Make sure that they understand that adults are responsible for keeping them safe and have a role in maintaining safety in all aspects,” she said. “It’s also important, especially for this group, if there are some challenges or they see some concerns in their own school, that they report them immediately.”
To help ease their anxiety, be aware of the information your child is getting and limit the coverage they’re exposed to. Patton-Smith recommended reading up on and talking about their school’s safety plan. Let them know they can come to you if they feel unsafe about anything.
It’s normal to feel some stress and anxiety but be aware of signs their anxiety is too high. That’s when you might need additional support from a primary care provider, therapist, psychiatrist or school counselor.
“Your child is just not themselves. They are irritable, they’re anxious, they’re refusing to go to school. They are eating too much or too little. You just see that they seem very stressed,” Patton-Smith said of the symptoms of anxiety.
“This is not just normalized anxiety. There’s something more going on. Be aware, especially with younger kids, complaints of headaches, stomach aches, nightmares. This is all a sign of increased anxiety and the potential for development of depression,” she added.
She also advised parents to observe your own emotional state, take a breath and know you’re doing your best: “I think the main thing is just the reassurance that you know you’re doing your best to keep them safe.”
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