WASHINGTON — The holiday season is a joyous time for most — and that can make things even worse if it’s the first Christmas since a parent or spouse has passed away.
Doctor Paul Coleman, a psychologist and author of the new book Finding Peace When Your Heart is in Pieces, tells WTOP there are a few techniques that can help you through.
First off, he says, “Try to find out what it is that you personally might need.”
There are three kinds of help you need from friends. Some, you will find, are good doers: They can help shovel your driveway or fix dinner.
“You might need practical help that way,” Coleman says.
Others are good listeners.
“Those are the people who, when you just need to vent … that’s the person to call.”
The third is a good distractor, Coleman says: They can take you to lunch of a movie, and take your mind off things.
“Find those people who can achieve for you what it is you personally might need,” he says.
The holiday traditions can be especially painful, since those rituals traditions usually revolve around one person who carried them out.
“You’re probably going to have to make some new traditions,” Coleman says, but there’s a way to rehabilitate the old ones.
It may sound strange, Coleman says, but it can be helpful to have what he calls “a hello-again dialogue — you just say hello to that person: ‘Hi Mom; we’re making the Thanksgiving turkey of the Christmas ham. And it’s not the same as you used to make, but we’re doing it with you in mind, and we love you.’ … You bring that person’s spirit into the room with you.”
No matter what, the holidays can be a happy time, and Coleman says it’s important to allow yourself to feel that joy if you’re feeling it, alongside your grief.
“It’s important to honor the fact that you’re going to feel both,” Coleman says.
If you’re around a house full of kids, “You have to smile and enjoy,” he allows: “You want to give yourself permission to feel OK.”
And you might feel the temptation to sit out the holidays altogether. Coleman says you can honor that feeling, but be careful.
“It’s still important to have some kind of emotional support; you don’t want to withdraw completely … But if you need to have some quiet time to just get through it, there’s nothing wrong [with it].”
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